Weekend Roundup

Hillary Clinton was the one who sent your grandmother that spam email about St. Barack of Obama being a Mooslim.

Texas, Rhode Island, and Ohio called Barry Hussein at 3am, but he didn't answer. He was busy making the blind see, and maybe healing a few lepers.

John McCain: "Read my lips. No new HOA dues."

Pawpaw McCain thinks John Hagee is the heiress to a beer fortune.

Sen. Unicorn climbs Candy Brokeback Mountain.

Perez Hilton is a film buff.

American Idol and America hate America.

W Gives WALNUTS! Endorsement

"This is my friend. Call him shorty. heh heh. Went to Vietnamistan. Got hurt. Can't raise his arms above his head. Real easy to play keep away. heh heh. A true American hero. Won't back down to our enemies. He's old. Got a black baby. He's a senator, from Ar-i-zona. Smells like my mom. heh heh."

Douchebag of the Day: Rep. Steve King

Iowa Republican Rep. Steve King wants to weigh in on the presidential election Let's take a listen:

An Iowa Republican congressman said Friday that terrorists would be "dancing in the streets" if Democratic candidate Barack Obama were to win the presidency.

Rep. Steve King based his prediction on Obama's pledge to pull troops out of Iraq, his Kenyan heritage and his middle name, Hussein.

"The radical Islamists, the al-Qaida … would be dancing in the streets in greater numbers than they did on Sept. 11 because they would declare victory in this war on terror," King said in an interview with the Daily Reporter in Spencer.

King said his comments were not meant to demean Obama but to warn how an Obama presidency would look to the world.

"His middle name does matter," King said. "It matters because they read a meaning into that."



This is the same man who in 2006, while speaking of death of terrorist leader Musab al-Zarqawi, said "There probably are not 72 virgins in the hell he's at. And if there are, they probably all look like (veteran White house correspondent) Helen Thomas."

The same man who described Abu Ghraib as "what amounts to hazing."

Rep. Steve King: Douchebag of the Day

via Local 6 / House.gov / CNN

Wyoming

Barack Obama wins 59% - Hillary's 40% with 95% reporting.

Interesting numbers:

Obama has won 13 caucuses. Clinton has one three.

The AP's latest delegate tally has Obama with 1,578, Clinton with 1,468.

Obama has won elections in 28 states, Clinton has won 15.

via Breitbart and RCP

Yes They Are

Just in case you were wondering if the Chinese were hacking the Pentagon:

"First, you must know about the Web site you want to attack. You must know what program it is written with," says Xiao Chen. "There is a saying, 'Know about both yourself and the enemy, and you will be invincible.'"

CNN decided to withhold the address of these hackers' Web site, but Xiao Chen says it has been operating for more than three years, with 10,000 registered users. The site offers tools, articles, news and flash tutorials about hacking.

...But eventually Xiao Chen claims two of his colleagues -- not the ones with him in the room -- have hacked into the Pentagon and downloaded information, although he wouldn't specify what was gleaned. CNN has no way to confirm if his claim is true.

...But if Xiao Chen is telling the truth, it appears his colleagues launched a freelance attack -- not initiated by Beijing, but paid for after the fact. "These hacker groups in my opinion are not agents of the Chinese state," says James Mulvenon from the Center for Intelligence Research and Analysis, which works with the U.S. intelligence community.

"They are sort of useful idiots for the Beijing regime."

Now that that it looks like L. Ron Paultard will be dropping out of the presidential race, maybe we could employ our own useful idiots, Paultards, and reciprocate some lead-based hacking right back at the Chinese.


via CNN

Obama Leading In Cousin's State

The clout of Darth Cheney has assisted cousin Barry Hussein in a healthy lead in today's Wyoming caucasian. 59% to Sen. Thundercunt's 40% as of yet.

To celebrate, the two will climb Wyoming's Bareback Mountain where they will hunt down Hilltards and shoot them in the face.

via AP

RIP

Danny left Idol.

Hopefully, he will have passed the flame.....er.....torch along to another finalist who will represent.

Sure, we've poked fun and given him shit. And yes, he did act like a persnickety bitch,

What's undeniable is Danny's to thine own self be true philosophy.

We dug it. We still dig it. And we hope this isn't the last we hear of Danny Noriega.

Shine bright.

On Clinton Secrecy

She still hasn't released their tax returns. She still hasn't published her daily schedule as First Lady. And now this:

Federal archivists at the Clinton Presidential Library are blocking the release of hundreds of pages of White House papers on pardons that the former president approved, including clemency for fugitive commodities trader Marc Rich.
The archivists' decision, based on guidance provided by Bill Clinton that restricts the disclosure of advice he received from aides, prevents public scrutiny of documents that would shed light on how he decided which pardons to approve from among hundreds of requests.

Officials with the presidential campaign of Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., criticized Hillary Clinton this week for not doing more to see that records from her husband's administration are made public. "She's been reluctant to disclose information," Obama's chief strategist, David Axelrod, told reporters in a conference call in which he specifically cited the slow release records from the Clinton library. "If she's not willing to be open with (voters) on these issues now, why would she be open as president?"

...Former president Clinton issued 140 pardons on his last day in office, including several to controversial figures, such as commodities trader Rich, then a fugitive on tax evasion charges. Rich's ex-wife, Denise, contributed $2,000 in 1999 to Hillary Clinton's Senate campaign; $5,000 to a related political action committee; and $450,000 to a fund set up to build the Clinton library.


Obama campaign manager David Plouffe nailed it:

"Behind closed doors, they’re trying to prevent the American people from evaluating [Clinton's White House] experience," he said. "You have to wonder whether she’ll be open and honest with the American people as president."

He also noted, again, that Clinton doesn't need to wait until April 15 to release the last six years of tax returns.

Clinton is "one of the most secretive politicians in America today," he said.


via USA Today and Politico

Elderly Condo Association President Needs Nap

Now that Pawpaw McCain has locked up the GOP nomination, he no longer feels the need to pretend that he's the kindly older gent who will offer you a 10yo Worthers' Original or play got your nose.

Below is a video where he tells some NYT reporter to get the hell off his lawn and then shuffles to the back of the plane to gum his lemon Jell-O.

Brilliant

via Davey Dance Blog

Larry David to Hillary: Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry David wrote a great piece dealing with that 3am ad from Thundercunt:

How is it that she became the one who's perceived as more equipped to answer that 3 a.m. call than the unflappable Obama? He, with the ice in his veins, who doesn't panic when he's losing or get too giddy when he's winning, who's as comfortable in his own skin as she's uncomfortable in hers. There have been times in this campaign when she seemed so unhinged that I worried she'd actually kill herself if she lost. Every day, she reminds me more and more of Adele H., who also had an obsession that drove her insane.

via HuffPo

Israel Mourns

Eight students at a seminary in Israel were massacred at the hands of a lone gunman:

Witnesses said the gunman went into the library at the Mercaz Harav seminary in the city's Kiryat Moshe quarter and opened fire.

The assailant, who Israeli police said was a resident of East Jerusalem, was shot dead by an Israeli army officer.

...the 15-strong UN Security Council failed to agree on a resolution condemning the attack because of reservations from temporary member Libya, which sought to link it to Israeli actions in the Gaza Strip.

A previously unknown group called the "Jalil Freedom Battalions - the Martyrs of Imad Mughniyeh and Gaza" claims to have carried it out, according to Lebanese Hezbollah media.

The fact that the school is at the heart of the settler movement in the occupied West Bank may have been the reason why it was targeted, BBC Middle East editor Jeremy Bowen reports.

Hopefully, this will be a wakeup call for the two remaining Democratic presidential candidates. Rather than having a tit-for-tat over who called who a monster, pictures of people in funny hats, or who will be best suited to answer a 3am phone call, maybe we can get to atleast one real issue.

The Middle East peace process would be a good start.

The phone is already ringing. Who will answer the call?

via BBC

:(

Mulligan

Well, it worked.

Florida Gov. Charlie "I'm totally straight. Look at this hot chick I have dinner with twice a month" Crist and Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm cried and cried until Howard Dean screamed a response:

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean urged Florida and Michigan party officials to come up with plans to repeat their presidential nominating contests so that their delegates can be counted.

"All they have to do is come before us with rules that fit into what they agreed to a year and a half ago, and then they'll be seated," Dean said during a round of interviews Thursday on network and cable TV news programs.

The two state parties will have to find the funds to pay for new contests without help from the national party, Dean said.

"We can't afford to do that. That's not our problem. We need our money to win the presidential race," he said. The DNC offered to pay for an alternative contest in Florida last summer but was turned down, officials at the party say

Maybe we could find the money in Florida's sunless tanning budget for Ernie Charlie, which probably totals about $100,000,000 annually.

via HuffPo

Today's Hilltard Video

Today's Anti-Paultard Video

Hillary Clinton's Scary Terrorist Thighs

There was a bomb scare someplace somewhere involving a suspicious package. After the Bomb Squad X-rayed the package, it was found to contain one of those stupid Thundercunt nutcrackers.

Pointless? Yes.

But it is funny to hear a policeman talk about Hillary Clinton's serrated thighs.

Flame Up

This whole Danny/David/everyoneonidolisgay thing is becoming quite the popular story:

Over the years, however, "Idol" has devoted plenty of screentime to participants' personal lives, ranging from asking intimate questions of the contestants (this week it's "What was your most embarrassing moment?") to aiming the camera at their sobbing significant others in the audience, to airing fully edited segments about their backgrounds.

"The show hasn't seemed very conducive or gay friendly to contestants coming out," says Michael Jensen, editor of AfterElton.com, a Web site about gay and bisexual men in entertainment and the media. "Simon and Randy have not hesitated to mock effeminate contestants and crack the occasional gay joke. It has not communicated to contestants that it would be a good place to come out."



...This week, a video of flamboyant current semifinalist Danny Noriega lashing out against Santa Claus appeared on MySpace and was posted on several blogs. Another video of Noriega singing Aretha Franklin's "Chain of Fools" and rapping about being gay — all while wearing a do-rag — was also posted on YouTube.

"Yeah, I'm gay," raps Noriega in the video. "But you eat hay for dinner, 'cause you look like a horse ... ."




via AP

You Do Know They Haven't Voted Yet, Right?

This coming Tuesday, Mississippi holds their primary. The Obama campaign wants a little clarification on something Sen. Thundercunt said back in October:

In October, Senator Hillary Clinton told the Des Moines Register newspaper that “I was shocked when I learned Iowa and Mississippi have never elected a woman governor, senator or member of Congress. There has got to be something at work here…when you look at the numbers, how can Iowa be ranked with Mississippi? That’s not what I see. That’s not the quality. That’s not the communitarianism. That’s not the openness I see in Iowa.”

via The Page

Getting To Know Pawpaw McCain's New Friend

I know we touched on this earlier, but John Hagee is a really interesting guy.

Here's to hoping the next nine months find Hagee on the frontlines of Juan McCain's 100 Year Crusade Against Gay Messican Abortions™.

A Very Special War on Xmas Message from Danny Noriega

I'm Voting for George W Bush

These election thingys are really not my bag. I wanna see W dance for eight more years.

Below is a video of the Decider tap dancing while waiting for elderly Condo Association President John McCain to arrive at the White House / Future Nursing Home.....House for a meeting/endorsement, of which I'll post later.

George W Bush has danced his way in to my heart and I really wish I knew how to quit him.

Reflections on Idol

Danny Noriega proved once again that he is really gay.

Really really really gay. But, props. He just doesn't care. And we dig that.



Little perfect gummy bear David Archuleta sucked the air out of the room with Another Day in Paradise.



Jason Castro was brilliant and the highlight of the night.



Oh yeh, we take back our stripper endorsement. Unless he actually strips on the show, in which we re-endorse said stripper based on the fact that............there would be a stripper stripping on the teevees.

teh Huckabeez Raptured to Arkansas

Out of all the losers in this election cycle, my heart is heaviest in dealing with the exit of Mike Huckabee :(



Oh, Huck. Baseball, Apostle Paul, truck drivers, selling wedding rings on ebay, and finally endorsing Juan McCain's 100 Year Crusade Against Gay Messican Abortions™.

I'm gonna miss Subway dude. Who will save us from roving gangs of AIDS dogs? Or teach us how to have a healthy diet? What will happen to Chuck Norris? How much does Baby Jeebus now hate elderly Juan McCain???

These are the questions I want answered.

Rumors are swirling about a possible television show. I'm not really sold on that idea.

I'd rather see the enitire Huckabee family travelling around the country as a Christian folk band. Or maybe even a television ministry on CBN.

I'm started to get choked up, so let's just end it at this.

Hillary Wins Texas, Ohio, and Rhode Island

Texas: Clinton 51%, Obama 48%

Ohio: Clinton 54%, Obama 44%

Rhode Island: Clinton 58%, Obama 40%


Real Clear Politics still shows Obama with the delegate lead, 1546 to Clinton's 1449.

What does this all mean?

It means that the next seven, (maybe even more) weeks are going to be torture. Lot's of shitty ads, stupid Youtube videos, cackling, fear mongering, frumpy pantsuits, and excess alcohol consumption.

This Saturday, Wyoming will hold their primary.

Voters from Mississippi will scribble their picks in crayon on March 11.

Then we wait until Pennsylvania holds their primary on April 22.

That is, if we haven't decided to just say fuck it the the electoral process and re-elect W as King of America for a glorious 30 year reign.

Doesn't sound that bad, does it?

via RCP

John McCain Elected President of Condo Association

WALNUTS! has won the GOP nomination! Black babies and all.

Shhhh. Not too loud.

He's sleeping.

via MSNBC

WALNUTS!

Wins Ohio.



via MSNBC

WALNUTS! and Sen. Unicorn Win Vermont

Because everyone said so.

0% are reporting, but the elderly Panamanian and the Kenyan fellow won.

via ABC and MSNBC

UPDATE: brickbat Also Endorses the Stripper

In keeping with the tradition of constantly changing our position on American Idol, we at brickbat would like to endorse current Idol contestant / former professional teabagger David Hernandez. Who doesn't like strippers?

"American Idol" contestant David Hernandez once entertained audiences by removing his clothes instead of singing tunes, a manager at a male strip club in Phoenix told The Associated Press.

The 24-year-old finalist from Glendale, Ariz., once worked as a stripper at Dick's Cabaret, appearing fully nude and performing lap dances for the club's "mostly male" clientele, club manager Gordy Bryan said Monday.

"He had the look and the type that people like, so he made pretty good money here," Bryan said.

It's not clear whether a history as a stripper could disqualify Hernandez from the competition. In 2003, finalist Frenchie Davis was dismissed because of her appearance on an adult Web site; but last year, Antonella Barba remained in the competition after racy photos of her surfaced on the Internet.

Vote for the Worst broke this story about 2 weeks ago.

via AP and Vote for the Worst

What is She Thinking?

From Ben Smith:

Obama supporters are already, as you'll see in the video above, making hay of this Clinton comment from this morning's avail in Toledo.

But you can see it showing up in a McCain campaign ad as well.

"I think that I have a lifetime of experience that I will bring to the White House. I know Senator McCain has a lifetime of experience to the White House. And Senator Obama has a speech he gave in 2002," Clinton says.



via Ben Smith

Perez Hilton: Bigtime Perv

Normally, I would avoid any story pertaining to the walking abortion known as Perez Hilton. But this is just too good:

Sad, lonely gay gossip columnist Perez Hilton (née Mario Lavandeira) would like to help you, young up-and-coming (and male, definitely male) gossip writer, so long as you send him sex videos of yourself masturbating and doing other filthy stuff. Oh, and then he, uh, won't actually help you. That's what happened to poor Jonathan Jaxson, a peppy young upstart who was promised a bountiful cornucopia of gossip and sssssecrets so long as Perez got the sexy home movies right away.

..." Evidently Perez did get the videos from Jaxson, but then never sent any information over or helped him out in anyway. "I fell in love with Perez. I thought he had a huge heart . . . but he's just a asshole," the broken hearted Jaxon tells Page Six (we're assuming the "ass", P6 just said "bleep"). Oh... It's just devastating, blog buddies! [P6] After the jump, a couple of videos of Jaxson, who is exactly as depressing as you'd expect

After watching said videos, I really don't feel sorry for Jaxson. Seems like he pretty much had it coming, maybe worse. If for nothing else, for using the term "blog buddies".






via Gawker

I am the Lord, thy hookup

Funny story.

An Israeli reseracher says that Moses was high on psychedelic drugs when he heard God dictate the 10 commandments:

"As far Moses on Mount Sinai is concerned, it was either a supernatural cosmic event, which I don't believe, or a legend, which I don't believe either, or finally, and this is very probable, an event that joined Moses and the people of Israel under the effect of narcotics," Shanon told Israeli public radio on Tuesday.

Moses was probably also on drugs when he saw the "burning bush," suggested Shanon, who said he himself has dabbled with such substances.

"The Bible says people see sounds, and that is a clasic phenomenon," he said citing the example of religious ceremonies in the Amazon in which drugs are used that induce people to "see music."

Makes you wonder what John was on when he wrote Revelations.

via Jezebel

Today's Hilltard Video

Is this really where we are?

Douchebag of the Day: Rush Limbaugh

From the guy who brought you this bullshit comes another tale of bigotry at it's finest:

...Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh issued an on-air apology to Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., today after a caller said her daughter thought the Democratic presidential frontrunner looked like the cartoon character Curious George, a monkey.

Limbaugh, who laughed at the caller's comments, later apologized explaining he didn't know anything about Curious George.

..."I've got to do something here to open this hour of today's excursion into broadcast excellence. I need to apologize to both Sen. Obama and to Sen. McCain, " said Limbaugh. "I had never heard of Curious George. Only now have staffers sent me little pictures of Curious George," he continued.

"So I wish to apologize to both Sen. Obama and Sen. McCain. It was not my intent to bring dishonor and guttural utterances into this campaign. It happened. I laughed about it. It was a 12 year old kid's reaction to Obama, it was told by his mother. I was laughing because I was being polite, but I had never heard of Curious George."

Right before the show went into a commercial break, a caller named Tammy told Limbaugh, "..my 12 year old daughter..she..her statement last week was 'who cares what the guy's middle name is, he looks like Curious George.'"

You can go to the ABC and listen to the audio if you must.

Rush Limbaugh: Douchebag of the Day

via ABC

"It's all that rap music, grandma"

via the Youtubes

Mexico Bill Wasn't Deported!!!

Former democratic presidential candidate Bill Richardson (seen above at a Superbowl party boring the shit out of Bill Clinton with oldie but goodie maricón jokes) has spoken out concerning tomorrow's primaries:

“Whoever has the most delegates after Tuesday — a clear lead — should be, in my judgment, the nominee.”



Okay. I still can't stop snickering at the photo at the top. Richardson looks like a poor kid who went to his rich friend's house, finally getting to play Halo for the first time. Kinda sad :(

On Farrakhan and Hagee

Really good stuff.

Money quote..."This is America. Australia got the convicts. Canada got the French. America got the Puritans. We’re stuck with them. We’re never going to have a presidential candidate who doesn’t believe some form of religious idiocy.”


From PrezVid:



via PrezVid

Veterans? Meh

Sure, our men and women in uniform have been asked to sacrifice life and limb. Sometimes giving both. But what's really important?

If you said Baby Jeebus, then give yourself a pat on the back!

From DownWithTyranny!:

Meet Daniel Cooper, Department of Veterans Affairs Undersecretary for Benefits. Problem with Cooper is that the veterans weren't getting their benefits... lots of them. He wasn't plagiarizing; he was proselytizing... for his evangelical cult.

Cooper has been under fire for using his office to proselytize for evangelical Christianity ever since he appeared in a 2004 fundraising video for Christian Embassy, which carries out missionary work among the Washington elite as part of the Campus Crusade for Christ.

In the video, Cooper says of his Bible study, "It's not really about carving out time, it really is a matter of saying what is important. And since that's more important than doing the job-- the job's going to be there, whether I'm there or not."

Cooper's declaration inflamed veterans who saw the number of veterans waiting for the Veterans Administration (VA) to decide their disability claims balloon to 400,000 on his watch, with the average veteran waiting six months for a decision from the government.

..."Cooper was in charge of and responsible for massive injustice for hundreds of thousands of veterans who slipped through the cracks waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for disability benefits," said Paul Sullivan, executive director of the group Veterans for Common Sense.

"He was fully aware that the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were putting a burden on VA in 2004 and he did nothing," Sullivan added. "In 2005, he was told again. He did nothing. In 2006, he was told again. He did nothing. In 2007, when the Walter Reed scandal broke, all Cooper could do was say that he would make some marginal changes."

Cooper has resigned.

via DownWithTyranny!

Like We Didn't Know This Would Happen

Tomorrow, Texas will hold their primary. Texas happens to be one of those states where registered voters of either party can cross lines and vote in the opposing party's primary.

Republicans don't want Barry to win the Dem nomination. They obviously want Thundercunt to win, given the greater chance of defeat by Juan McCain in the general election.

Let Ametuer Pharmacologist Rush Limbaugh elaborate:

"I want Hillary to stay in this…this is too good a soap opera," Limbaugh told fellow conservative talk-show host Laura Ingraham on Fox News Friday. He reiterated the comments on his Monday show and replayed the exchange with Ingram.

..."We need Barack Obama bloodied up politically. It's obvious that the Republicans are not going to do it, they don't have the stomach for it," Limbaugh continued. "As you probably know we're getting all kinds of memos from the RNC saying we're not going to be critical. Mark McKinnon of McCain's campaign said he'll quit if they get critical over Obama. This is the presidency of the United States we're talking about. I want our party to win I want the Democrats to lose.”

..."Wouldn't you love to cream Hillary though…why are you so afraid of her? Look at how ineptly she has campaigned against Obama," Limbaugh responded to one listener who said she wanted to see Clinton out of the race immediately.

"I'm asking people to cross over, and if they can stomach it and I know it's a difficult thing to do, vote for Clinton," he also told Ingraham Friday. "But it will sustain this soap opera, and it's something I think we need and it'll be fun, too."

The American electoral process is sooooooo fucked.

via CNN

Location Location Location

Darth Cheney is building his retirement hizzay. A place of solace where he can hunt with racists or shoot his friends in the face in peace.

But where is Chez Cheney being built?

From Wonkette:

According to shadowy intelligence site Cryptome and the less-shadowy Fairfax County Land Use Plan Details website, Dick and Lynne are building their nightmare dream home on a quiet, expensive McLean road that's literally about 2,000 feet away from the Central Intelligence Agency HQ in the Langley woods.

The house and land itself seem utterly unremarkable and quite unfit for Dr. Evil: The property is just under an acre in size and the house will sit pretty close to the neighbors -- it appears to be the standard Northern Virginia "custom home" McMansion, with a finished basement most likely outfitted with a human-sized incinerator.

But its proximity to the Spook Capital of America makes it far more interesting as well as incredibly appropriate for the most secretive powerful vice president in history. It also suggests Cheney may pull a Putin when he "leaves office" just 10 months from now, and continue his global reign of terror from the executive suites of the CIA headquarters.

Scary.

via Wonkette

Why the Post Below is Important

Hillary Refuses to Give Straight Answer

When asked on last night's 60 Minutes whether or not she thought Obama was a Mooslim, Hillary balked.