brickbat Calls SC for WALUNTS!

Drudge has him winning 34% to Subway Dude's 29%.

I don't care anymore. I'm going to get pizza and beer and then probably surf On Demand. I found Drive Thru last night, and it was bad as fuck.



A must see. Maybe they have the sequel.

Awsomeness Overload

via Wonkette

Drop Dead Fred

Jesus Christ, Fred Thompson is on CNN and won't stfu.

YOU LOST, FREDNECK. Got back to your day job:

Today's Moment with Del

via Del Stone/NWF Daily News

Foreskin Is In

photo via BBC

Atleast talking about them is. Ever had the T.V. on the background while you were doing something else, and then only actually to listen to it when you hear something really wierd, like...I dunno...."the foreskin of Jesus" ?

There's this village near Rome that guarded the foreskin of Jeebus (or Holy Prepuce, as the foreskin requests you address it as). A priest kept this holy relic IN A SHOEBOX IN HIS CLOSET.

The villagers even had a foreskin pride parade every year on the Feast of the Circumcision of Christ, which sounds absolutely disgusting.

Someone stole the super magic dickhood back in 1983 and, for some reason, now it's a big deal:

Some suspect the village priest sold it for a heavenly sum; others say it was stolen by thieves and ended up on the relics black market; some even suggest Satanists or neo-Nazis are responsible. But the most likely culprit is an unlikely one: the Vatican.

So there you go. It was either Satanist Goat Fuckers, nazis, or Nazi Pope.

Either way it scares me and I wish I never knew that Jeebus had a penis, much less a mudflap.

via Slate

Prostitutes and Gambling Addicts Heart Mittens and Hillz

Space Christian Romney wins with 51%. Dr. RuPaul actually came in 2nd with 13%. WALNUTS! just behind with 12.8%.

Thundercunt wins the Dem side with 51%. Obama with 45%. Mill Boy gets 3.75%. Somehow they were able to calculate Kucinich's 0.05%, which was probably a hippie prostitute with one leg.

via Politico

Hilltard Answers Obama Girl

I think I'm gonna be sick.

New Obama Ad

Complete with Philip Glass / Steve Reich-esque music playing.

1/17 Photos: Never Forget

The live blogging started here. Or just scroll down about 6 posts.


Creepy W shrine next to my seat.


In the reflection of the mirror, you can see the lady who was spying on me.



Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum, who's way gay for 9udy.




Various 9udy pics follow

Reflections of 1/17

Back at work now. Blah blah blah.

First things first. He did show up around 9/11. I mean 9:11.

When 9udy walked in the old people around me acted like it was the 2nd Coming of Christ.

He only said 9/11 one time, making me a pretty sad panda.

There were a couple of talkers. But not rude talkers in the way of people talking through movies. More of a douchey overzealous xenophobic type of rude interruption. "That's right, 9udy. You give back that Saudi money", etc. (Not a joke)

There was a collective groan when 9udy was talking about how most Muslims are nice and it's a peaceful religion, yada yada yada. The crowd did not like that one at all. I don't know if they were expecting him to bring an Iraqi kid in on a leash and waterboard him right in front of us or what.

He wasn't there for very long. You got the sense that he had better places to be. Looked pretty nervous, too.

I took some vid with my digi, but now realize that it has no sound. That blows.

There was a young guy straight in front of him during the Q & A that had his hand up the whole time, but was never called on. Maybe 9udy thought he was a covert paultard (which isn't true. What paultard wakes up before noon?)

Moral from 9udy: Vote for me. I arrested people and stuff. Brown people are coming here to kill you and then take your medecine. Clinton and Obama are going to mug you on the side of the street for your spare change. I heart Florida. Please vote for me 'cause noone else has so far.

Moral from me: That was def not worth getting up at 7.

I Really Need a Smoke

So far, 9udy is 30 mins late. Expected. All candidates run on BPT (if you have to ask, you'll probs be offended)

How badass would it be if he showed up at 9:11?

Fuck this, I may just leave.

Dbag HS Reporters Smell Like Teen Spirit

Maybe not Teen Spirit, but they're all doused in perfume and it's killing my nose.

Since when do high school journalists wear press passes?

Does that really get them through police barricades at crime scenes?

Oh, and ENUFF WITH THE HILLARY MUG!!!

Now I'm getting testy and I can't smoke. Maybe this was a bad idea.

Fan of Patriot Act Behind Me

There's a lady who keeps looking over my shoulder as I write and she's beginning to make me angry.

Listen, I know as a 9udy fan, ur def up for invasion of privacy.

But, if you're reading this (and I know you are) please cease from breathing down my neck. This is a Blackberry, not a bottle of Vicodin.

I'm a Shitty Friend

I was trying to save a seat for my bff Ri, but some blue hairs totes strong-armed me into giving it up.

Now I'm all alone amongst 24 fans who get a thrill off of being scared shitless.

:(

Mission Accomplished!!!

I actually woke up at 7am. 7 fucking am.

Made it to the Magnolia Grill, where 9udy is going to speak in about 30 mins or so.

Got a great seat, so I'm sure to be spit on.

Observations:

Lots and lots of old people.

Lots of people meaning to dress well, but ending up looking like some shitty funeral attendants.

Crisis!!! Someone brought their coffee in a Hillary mug, and its the end of the world. If I hear one more thing about that stupid GD Hillary mug, everyone's getting clotheslined.

Oh, and there's an uber creepy W shrine to my right.

Fundies Suck at Paperwork

Seems like religious folk aren't very good at counting either. The Save Marriage from Teh Gayz ammendment is about 22,000 signatures short of the 611,000 needed to place it on this year's ballot.

And they only have until February 1 to get the signatures to officials.

Well, shux.

Even the local clergy are getting in on the discriminatory action.

Godspeed, mouth breathers. Look, even if this little paper signing deal doesn't work, come February 2 you can go back to your War on Harry Potter or whatever it is that you do when you're not sodomizing yourself in a scuba suit or fucking gay prostitutes.


via Miami Herald and NWF Daily News

Randy Newman Sucks Even More than I Thought

While doing a set for the Macworld Expo, which I assume is a gathering of Mactards complaining about what a giant douche Bill Gates is, Randy Newman sang a little ditty he wrote after some travels in Europe.

You see, Randy wanted to enlighten us on the fact not everyone likes the U.S.A. So, obviously, he composed a song comparing us to Hitler, Stalin, and pedarist Romans.

Randy, even if the words weren't offensive, the song would have still blown. Stop it. Now.

Won't Someone Save this Manimal???

It's been confirmed. The 4 dead goats are connected.

The story gets wierder:

The Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office has verified that leaves and twigs were found arranged from one side of the pygmy goats’ mouths to the other.
Dee Thompson-Poirrier, director of animal services for the Panhandle Animal Welfare Society, said that was something at least two of the four goat heads had in common.
“There were carefully cut and placed branches in the animals’ mouths,” Thompson-Poirrier said.

But now, someone is trying to shoot my Satanist theory down:

“All religions have done it,” said Dr. Dirk Dunbar, a humanities professor at Okaloosa-Walton College and the University of West Florida.
Dunbar cited that Joseph and Mary sacrificed doves, according to Christian history. He also called animal sacrifice an “antiquated practice.”
He said he doesn’t feel the act is a pagan ritual. Dunbar said most neo-pagans are animal rights activists.

Dr. Dunbar, you obviously have no idea what you're talking about. This has the stench of demonic/pagan/wiccan forces all over it. I haven't decided which yet, but it's one of those.

All the more reason to mobilize the Save Teh Goatz army, which will now start hoarding a cache of crucifixes, holy water, gypsy tears, and anything else that might stave off this hippie freak/s.

I'm also thinking of using free Ron Paul blimp ride tickets inside a wire cage as the bait for traps set up around town. Maybe those and some bundles of sage.

via NWF Daily News

Idaho Bathroom Goblin has New Friend

And it's not a dude. It's the ACLU.

Remember when Sen. Craig had that sooooooo not gay rendezvous in an airport bathroom?

The ACLU is arguing people who have sex in public bathrooms have an expectation of privacy.

Really? I challenge any of you to go to ACLU headquarters, bring a friend, and then get your freak on in one of their restrooms. Let's see what they have to say then.


PS: Larry, I'm glad you're back in the news. This shit never gets old.

via AP

Highlights from Last Night's Really Boring Nevada Debate

No Joke Here

Brad Renfro, known for his roles in Bully, The Client, and Apt Pupil was found dead yesterday morning.

He was 25.

via TMZ

US Constitution Just Not Jesusy Enough

You know those pieces of paper W's been wiping his ass with for 7 years? The King of Iowa Christians thinks they could use a healthy dose of vitamin Jeebus.

Magic Pajama Ninja Born Again

Hooray for Mittens!!! He won something.



The Stepford candidate won the Michigan primary with 39% to WALNUTS! 30%.

Oh yeh, and the real Jeebus' BFF, Huck, got 16%.

via HuffPo

Mill is the New 9/11

Watching the Nevada debate on MSNBC. John Edwards has just surpassed 9udy 11uliani in the innovation of mindless slogan words. Hooray!!!

Today's Godtube Moment: God is a Chef

Also, the world was flooded with gravy, Jeebus was a tasty pie, I'm going to a broken gas cooker for my sins, Satan is a bag of peanuts.....

How about you just watch it:

9udy's Coming!!!

I'm super stoked that 9udy 11uliani is coming to FWB.

Later this week, the Manhatten baby eater is holding a pep rally at a local restaurant. I am so there.

I'll be sure to take pictures and keep track of how many times he says 9/11, if I have the stamina for it.

via NWF Daily News

Tom Cruise: Narcissistic Douche

photo via Reuters


Tommy couldn't get any crazier, right?

That would be a big NO. Major league nutcase. Even proves it in a interview:

"When you're a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you're the only one who can really help... We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures"

Fuck tonight's Nevada debate. I wanna see Tommy and Mittens have a scary religion debate. Winner is crowned King of the Moon, or something like that.

Anyway, the video is gold. Watch it all, if you can stomache it.



via Gawker

Katie Couric Uncut

Here's a behind the scenes look from January 8, covering the NH primary. In it, she rips everyone from McCain to Meredith Viera.

WALNUTS! Needs New Campaign Manager

If you're a 72 yo Senator running for POTUS and today is a do or die moment in the Michigan Primary, where would you campaign?

ANYWHERE BUT A FUNERAL HOME.

Jeebus. Now all he needs is to travel around the streets of Detroit in a Hoveround handing out horehound candy.

WALNUTS!, give me a call.

via Wall Street Journal

Girl Faints from Bill's Gas

Just guessing.

SATANIC GOAT KILLER RETURNS!!!

4 months passed and 4 decapitated goats on the streets of Fort Walton Beach. The Goat Killer has returned:

“Now we’re wondering,” said Dee Thompson-Poirrier, director of animal services for the Panhandle Animal Welfare Society. “Some people find some sort of sexual gratification watching animals die,” and such people could prove a menace, she added.

So, when 3 goat heads were found, meh, that's par for the course. But 4? That's the number when you start worrying?

Listen guys, if this is some fucked up contest to see who is more twisted, FWB or Panama Shitty, then there is no contest. It's Panama Shitty. Stop trying.

Stay tuned for more info on my Save Teh Goatz task force. Email me with suggestions for a logo (because every task force must have shirts and hats) and we as a community will bring this freak to his knees!!!

via NWF Daily News

Ain't No Party like a Racist Wisconsin Snowbird Party

Living in a tourist city in Florida def has it's drawbacks. Topping that list is Winter, when blue hairs invade the area with their Continentals (which I've learned do not come with blinkers but do come standard with 20 mph governors), shitty gratuity aptitude, and overall cranky demeanor.

The NWF Daily News is reporting that Wisconsin snowbirds have also imported their own brand of Badger State racism:

What Snowbirds call a party to celebrate their Wisconsin heritage, Jim Brown calls “defamation.”

Brown is a black South Carolina resident who was visiting relatives on Okaloosa Island. After reading a column about the party that was in The Destin Log, he called the newspaper and complained. The party, according to the column, is a celebration “by and for Wisconsinites” that features music, tailgating and Wisconsin bratwursts.

“The way it’s stated, it implies that other people are excluded from the party including black people,” Brown said. “It excludes a lot of people and it does not read good relations between other races and people from Wisconsin.”

So there you have it. Aspercreme scented white people eating sausages and swapping albums of fugly grandkids somehow translates into bigotry.

Mr. Brown, as appealing as it sounds, I promise that after hearing the same story 3 times within the hour with The Glenn Miller Trio playing in the background, you'll want to run as fast and far away as possible. Rent a freaking movie and STFU!!!

via NWF Daily News

Stepford Scientologist Candidate Finds Inner Redneck

Mittens released a home movie of how he spent his "1 day off after 31 working days", showing he's a normal guy like you and me. You know, going to your New Hampshire estate, riding tractors, water skiing (which is way manlier than wind surfing), and chilling with all 250 members of your immediate giant Mormo family.

Also in the video, Mittens' celestial bride, Ann, talks about his "enormous energy" and "still going strong". Gross, I know.

I didn't watch it all the way to the end, but I'm assuming they all tie their shoelaces together, the men castrate themselves, and then relax under the stars waiting for Joseph Smith's cometmobile.

Enjoy.

Douchebag of the Month

In introducing Hillary at a campaign event, BET founder Bob Johnson takes a low swipe at Obama, referring to his admitted past drug use.

So, yes. A black entrepenuer, who was motivated to uplift the black community by giving them a media outlet, finds it more pressing to be a Clinton lapdog than being atleast respectful to the first viable African American candidate for POTUS.

Wow.

Gay Vampire Enthusiast Endorses White Witch

Following is a really boring endorsement for Hillary from Anne Rice, shitty haircut and all.