Today's Paultard Video

Seems like as good a way as any to start the posting again.

Here's our favorite tiny hobbit rambling about how librul schools are giving vaccines for the Mexican Pig Aids just so they can contaminate children's blood with NAFTA NWO brain leeches or something.

Enjoy.


via Middle-earth

Crazy Racist Aunt Up To Her Old Tricks Again

Everyone has a crazy racist aunt, right?

Lately, I've been concerned for her well-being, as I have not received one of her Forward To All masterpieces in quite some time.

And lo, another awkward email is sent:


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow ', this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him... I know I have.



LOLZ @ MUJIBARZ STOOPID FACE!!!!!!!

via my crazy racist aunt

BREAKING NEWS: Pat Robertson Still Has A Show

Much to our shock and dismay.

So, how do you fill airtime after 43 years? Pray for people to poop!

This is a disgusting, yet necessary tool to help us through Hump Day.

via the Youtubes

Jesus-double-dutching-Christ: Today's Paultard Video

Dear parents of this hobbit,

Smack him.

Sneak up in his room while he's distracted, like say when he's whacking it to Alex Jones' internets show......then just smack the shit out him.

It's for his own good


Yours in Christ,

brickbat

Conservatives To Republicans: STFU

Build your own Blingee




Holy bejesus. People really don't like this Sotomayor lady.

Take Rush Limbaugh and Tom Tancredo:





Yet, the winner in this crazery has to be G. Gordon Liddy, the douche with the molestache that helped plan the whole Watergate deal.

Here's his thoughts on B.A. Barackus' Mexican girlfriend:

Yesterday on his radio show, conservative host G. Gordon Liddy continued the right wing’s all-out assault on Judge Sonia Sotomayor. First, just like Tom Tancredo, Liddy slammed Sotomayor’s affiliation with the civil rights group La Raza — and referred to the Spanish language as “illegal alien“:

LIDDY: I understand that they found out today that Miss Sotomayor is a member of La Raza, which means in illegal alien, “the race.” And that should not surprise anyone because she’s already on record with a number of racist comments.

Finished with the race-based attack, Liddy moved on to denigrate Sotomayor’s gender:

LIDDY: Let’s hope that the key conferences aren’t when she’s menstruating or something, or just before she’s going to menstruate. That would really be bad. Lord knows what we would get then.

Finally, Liddy disputed the entire idea that there’s anything wrong with the paucity of women and total lack of Hispanics on the Court:

LIDDY: And everybody is cheering because Hispanics and females have been, quote, underrepresented, unquote. And as you pointed out, which I thought was quite insightful, the Supreme Court is not designed to be and should not be a representative body.





In all this madness, the few conservative minds that haven't been warped by Jesus, Xenophobia, and airplane glue have some advice for their peers.

From Ben Smith:


The memo has clearly gone around, and leading conservative voices this morning urged, with unusual harmony, their fellow partisans to be very, very careful in their attacks on Sotomayor.

Peggy Noonan, inimitably, urges the GOP to "play grown-up":

She is of course a brilliant political pick—Hispanic when Republicans have trouble with Hispanics, a woman when they've had trouble with women. Her background (public housing, Newyorican, Catholic school, Princeton, prominence) is as moving as Clarence Thomas's, and that is moving indeed. Politically she's like a beautiful doll containing a canister of poison gas: Break her and you die.

Steele wants an end to the "slammin' and rammin'" of Sotomayor.

Krauthammer: thinks it's a "teachable moment" on justice and race:

What should a principled conservative do? Use the upcoming hearings not to deny her the seat, but to illuminate her views. No magazine gossip from anonymous court clerks. No "temperament" insinuations. Nothing ad hominem. The argument should be elevated, respectful and entirely about judicial philosophy.

Today's Paultard Video

Meet the tiniest hobbit's new bff....this guy. He was held back in high school, but no matter.

Let him teach us all about the Free Speech and so forth.

via Middle-earth

Westboro Not Going Anywhere According To Crazy Rant On Site

Make custom Glitter Graphics





About a month ago, Towleroad speculated about a Westboro Baptist Church mass suicide because of a cryptic blog entry that went a little something like this:

We are particularly urgent about it, because the time is shortly to come when we will grant you your wicked wish, Doomed america! Your smart-assed pundits and foul-mouthed politicians have for years told us to pack up and leave if we don’t like this filthy little cancerous boil on the butt of the earth. You all think you’re so clever that you can come up with such cutesy little quips. You’re collectively so Bible dumb that you don’t know what you’re saying. So let me help you out.

...We gotta go, peeps! We gotta go! And when we do, it’s time for this filthy nation to receive of all the plagues that your Creator has promised. The reason there is such urgency in those words … such passion in the irresistible call from our Saviour, Husband, and Friend … is because when that time comes for this rebellious nation – which is spiritually called Babylon and has become literally Babylon by the inexplicable and forcible snatching of that Mesopotamian land where ancient Babylon sat – it is going to be very fast and very violent, such that all mankind is utterly and simply amazed.


Alas, this is not the case. Atleast according to Westboro's blog section in an email answering session:

A few web sites are claiming you guys are going to do a mass suicide because of the April 4 field report. What do you think about waht they’re saying? Here are some excerpts:

From Gossip Boy:
A cryptic blog post on the Westboro Baptist Churchs website hints that their mission is coming to an end, as full darkness invades America, and they are ready to end their fight and depart. Generally, when cults start talking this way, someone is in the kitchen mixing up Kool Aid.

From Towleroad:
Fred Phelps’ Westboro Baptist Church recently left a blog post that has some wondering if the extremist group is planning a mass suicide (a la Jonestown). A little excerpt from the post (link goes to WBC blog) written in their typical hag-alect:

Kansas Watch:
But in today’s posting on Fred Phelps’ and family’s blog, they kind of sound like they are planning to leave this mortal coil.

Justin


And the answer:


I say first: This is wishful thinking and standard slander. It means nothing.

I say second: I am late in responding because I was at K-State picketing General David Patraeus. If you check out our schedule of coming pickets (in less than 12 hours I hit the road for Hartford, CT and Cambridge/Boston, MA) - that schedule is almost enough to make me tired just looking at it. My point being - WHY NOW would anyone think that we would do anything as disobedient and lawless as murder?

I say third: That excellent field report says nothing different than we have been telling you for a long time. Today our exit out of this country feels closer than it has in the past. The truth of the matter is that GOD, IN HIS WORD, says he gave those examples in the scriptures FOR OUR EXAMPLE and FOR OUR LEARNING and FOR OUR COMFORT, it says, upon whom the ends of the world have come. There is a VAST body of scripture that speaks to these last hours of the last days of all. So even as Noah preached to the world and THEN GOT ON THE ARK JUST BEFORE THEIR DESTRUCTION CAME, the Doomed Ante-diluvium world and even as LOT preached to and then LEFT Doomed Sodom et al, and their destruction came and likewise when Moses and the Children of Israel PREACHED TO and then LEFT Egypt at which point God destroyed the MOST POWERFUL ARMY in the world in that day (from which Egypt NEVER recovered), etc. etc., we preach to Doomed america. Now, there are three things we hear from brutish Doomed americans, and in this order, to wit: 1. God loves everyone; 2. There is NO God and 3. If you don’t like america . . . if america is Doomed . . . if you think we are this or that, etc. . . . THAN GET THE F#@& OUT!!

SWEET!

...That 144,000 Jews are going to put away the lies of the house of Israel about Christ and who he is and so forth, and they are going to serve God in truth, and WE are going to help them! YAY!! Stay tuned Justin! The day is coming when you will see the flip of what Paul did. He told those stiff-necked and rebellious Jews that he was DONE with them, that God had sent him now to the Gentiles to call out a people for his name, and at Romans 11, Paul makes it CRYSTAL clear that when the fullness of the Gentiles be come in, that God is going to return to the Jews and save a remnant of them and that day is fast approaching! I cannot tell you how thankful I will be when we are through talking to this nation of truly STUPID rebels against God (and you have NO cause!).

We have a most glorious new task, and it is going to be amazing. There are going to be two things that those Jews are going to do in response to this call that we are going to put forth now, WITH a vengeance (you know we will ) and so we must look to the scriptures to see it. Because those Jews are likened by the prophet Jeremiah to Figs - REALLY GOOD figs or REALLY, REALLY BAD or EVIL figs - SO BAD AND EVIL that you cannot eat them or you will die! Plus - the beat the crap out of Paul and at one point they left him for dead and HELLO, THEY KILLED CHRIST!! Our personal experience with them is that they are mean and vicious and violent!!

...Now I must ask you - WHY IN THIS WORLD would we consider anything short of running to this battle as FAST as our little legs will carry us!!

As for that cryptic lie - YIKES!! We are about as plain spoken as words can be - GOD HATES FAGS AND THEIR ENABLERS . . . . . . . . . . . . .THEREFORE . . . . . . . . . . . . . america IS DOOMED!!! YAY!!!

Thanks!


Wow. Just.....wow.

Angry Kid Touchers Angered At President Who Kills/Eats Babies Before They Reach Ripe Age Of 8

As was expected:

It's telling that the pro-life guys doing the protesting are both men who clearly didn't graduate recently. I'm all for public protests, but there's an astroturf quality to some of these religious right protests, and conservative protests overall. You'd think, if the students were truly upset that Obama was coming to their school, that some - uh - students themselves might protest?


Def lacks the subtlety of dead baby dolls in Spongebob strollers.


via AMERICAblog

Today's Paultard Video

The swine flu according to a Paultard.

You gotta watch the whole damn thing.


via Crazy Town

Alan Keyes' Super Gross Open Letter To Baby Eaters

Oh my!

If you haven't heard the news, President Obama is going to give one of his fancy erection speeches at Notre Dame, a college for future kid touchers.

Many people are upset about this. (Baby Jesus?)

Crazy Jesus person and Obama arch-enemy Alan Keyes is furious and wrote an insane letter to whatever giant Spider Monster runs the college:

When I read of slavery in my youth I could not understand why so many tolerated such evil for so long. I asked God to help me never in my life to be such as they were. Once I fully understood the nature of the abortion issue, I was moved to stand against abortion and the slaughter of innocent life as I would have wanted all people of conscience and goodwill to stand against slavery and the rape of my forbears' liberty. When people suggest that Barack Obama shares some heritage with me, I know better. For the truest test of that heritage is not the color of someone's skin, but the determination of their heart, never to stand silently by while God's fundamental law of justice is denied to persons whose only crime is the unjustly despised appearance of their humanity.


As a result, if Keyes steps foot on the campus, he will be arrested. Fun!

The best part is the follow-up statement Keyes released which is just batshit disgusting sentence after batshit disgusting sentence about dead babies, menses, or whatever happens down there to a lady.

Enjoy:

Christ said:

"31 When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: 32 And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: 33 And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left. 34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: 35 For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: 36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. 37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungered, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? 38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? 39 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? 40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. (Matthew 25:31-40)"


These words must ring in the ears of faithful Christians as they consider the grim reality of abortion. Every time abortionists rip a child limb from limb within the womb; every time they crush the fragile head; every time they scorch the life from its body with a death dealing solution; every time they scrape its nascent cells of life from the walls of a womb- Jesus is savagely beaten again; his skull pressed down with thorns; his limbs pulled savagely in their sockets; his hands and feet pierced through with nails; his breath drawn with fiery pain; his life finally extinguished; every time.

And every time there stands vociferous in the crowd, the ambitious man of blood, Barack Obama. He is justifying the torture, forcing bystanders to aid in the atrocity, assuring that the nails are paid for and the henchmen of evil well fed and rewarded for their role in the daily crucifixion. Even the garments of the innocent children (their little organs or stem cells), like the vesture of Christ, he prepares for division among those who perpetrate the slaughter.


Good lord. And to think I thought it was like this the whole time.

Thanks, Alan!


via CBN

Today's Godtube/tangle Moment

Class is in session, kids.

Did you know that Thomas Paine, the famous Revolutionary hero and ghostwriter for the Harry Potter book series, is alive? Well he is.

And he's a big 'ol racist.

And he's a Paultard...which is also a type of racist.


via tangle

President Unicorn Is Almost 100 Days Old; Does Not Matter To Racist Crazies

The Muslin Kraken will have been our Supreme Leader for 100 days tomorrow...and he's done some stuff.

Not everyone is celebrating, as illustrated above.

Hoorayz 4 Freedoms™!!!

via the Youtubes

Today's Paultard Video

If you can make sense of what this 9/11 truther hobbit is talking about...write us.

When will they allow waterboarding in schools?

via Middle-earth

Pat Robertson Is Still Batshit Crazy

Today's Godtube/tangle Moment

Why does Barack Obama insist on making these secret Muslin agent hobbit dolls?

From the description:

Pastor David Grice shows off one of satan's favorite dolls during his sermons on Sunday November 16, 2008 at Lighthouse Baptist Church in Grand Prairie, Texas. John 8:12 "Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." For info on Islam, visit chick.com/information/religions/islam


And just for fun:

Inbred Shit-troll Waddles Her Way To Washington

Westboro Baptist Church sent their members a-wassailing to the White House to express their anger against the Muslin Devil, Barack Obama. The group was led by the daughter of reknowned gay fisting porn star, Fred Phelps.

From Towleroad:


Shirley Phelps-Roper and a contingent from the Westboro Baptist Church paid a visit to the White House yesterday to pray for God to shortly destroy the "antichrist" Barack Obama. They were met by counter-protestors who far outnumbered them, according to Campus Progress.


One question: Where can we buy one of those awesome purple hoodies?

Here's some more video funnery from the event:

Today's Paultard Video

Hey everbody. Ron Paul has a brother. We did not know this.

Listen as he too rails against the Federal Reserve. This is funny to us because Wayne Paul is so old that when he speaks, it sounds like he is crying.

via the Youtubes

BREAKING NEWS: brickbat Endorses Missouri

The alternate title of this post was "Chuck Baldwin And This Douche Are Gold-humping, Ron Paul-fetishist Jewbeasts."

From (giggle) Chuck Baldwin:

Thanks to a concerned Missouri state policeman, a nationally syndicated radio talk show host stated that he was alerted last week to a secret Missouri state police report that categorized supporters of Congressman Ron Paul, Bob Barr, and myself as "'militia' influenced terrorists." The report, he said, "instructs the Missouri police to be on the lookout for supporters displaying bumper stickers and other paraphernalia associated with the Constitutional, Campaign for Liberty, and Libertarian parties."

Ignoring the threat of Muslim terrorists, the Missouri Information Analysis Center (MIAC) report focuses on the so-called "militia movement" and "conflates it with supporters of Ron Paul, Chuck Baldwin, Bob Barr, the so-called patriot movement and other political activist organizations opposed to the North American Union and the New World Order."


Good...because you people are fucking nuts.

Let's read on:

The Columbia Daily Tribune also carried the story last Saturday. It quoted Missouri resident Tim Neal of Miller County. "When Neal read the report, he couldn't help but think it described him. A military veteran and a delegate to the 2008 Missouri Republican state convention, he didn't appreciate being lumped in with groups like the Neo-Nazis.

"'I was going down the list and thinking, "Check, that's me,"' he said. 'I'm a Ron Paul supporter, check. I talk about the North American union, check. I've got the "America: Freedom to Fascism" video loaned out to somebody right now. So that means I'm a domestic terrorist? Because I've got a video about the Federal Reserve?'"


Yes, it does.




And with that, we bring you a very special Today's Paultard Video:



via here and Columbia Daily Tribune,

The Fuck Did You Just Say To Me?

Wow.

Here's an interview with Rachel Maddow by George Wayne (DISCLAIMER: THIS GUY IS FUCKING CREEPY) of Vanity Fair:



Anyway, Miss “Cable Queen,” as Vogue calls you, do you suffer from any paraphilia?
Paraphilia?

Listen to this saucy pedant. Paraphilia is having a rare erotic fetish. Perhaps you may indulge in eproctophilia?
Duh?

Darling! Eproctophiliacs are those sexually turned on by farts and farting!
That word actually exists?

It is the current rage of Mayfair high society in jolly, kinky London. G.W. will admit to his Caesarophilia—erotic fascination with royalty. Especially that redhead Prince Harry. G.W. has been fantasizing more than ever of tossing that royal salad. I would floss every strand of that red burr to perfection!
He did just break up with his girlfriend.

Exactly. Prince Harry is single and now ready for his bi-flingual.
He’s getting a little tummy.

At least he’s not losing all his hair like William. By the way, before your Peacock Network makeover, didn’t you have a dyke-stache?
A what?

Facial hair over your lip—a dyke-stache.
I never had any facial hair in my life.

Thank you for that clarification, darling. And thank you for such a wonderful meeting!


via HuffBlow

Checkin' In With Chuck

Taking a page from the Paultard playbook, WorldNetDaily hitman Chuck Norris mulls the idea of a Texas secession. And guess who would be president? Chuck Norris:

On Glenn Beck's radio show last week, I quipped in response to our wayward federal government, "I may run for president of Texas."

That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.

From the East Coast to the "Left Coast," America seems to be moving further and further from its founders' vision and government.

...Thomas Jefferson counseled us, "We must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt." Yet the Feds have just skyrocketed our national deficit and debt by trillions of dollars, and it plans much more fiscal expansion with few expectations of resistance. Despite that George Washington admonished, "To contract new debts is not the way to pay for old ones," we keep borrowing and bailing, while we watch the stock market plunge further every time we do.

...Patrick Henry taught that, "Our Constitution is … an instrument for its people to restrain the government." Yet our Congress and president stampede that founding document, overlook its explicitness and manipulate its words to abandon a balance of power and accommodate their own desires, partisan politics and runaway spending.


Whoa. It's like the Doctor Congressman L. Ron Paultard has possessed the body of Chuck.

It gets better worse:

When I appeared on Glenn Beck's radio show, he told me that someone had asked him, "Do you really believe that there is going to be trouble in the future?" And he answered, "If this country starts to spiral out of control and Mexico melts down or whatever, if it really starts to spiral out of control, before America allows a country to become a totalitarian country (which it would have under I think the Republicans as well in this situation; they were taking us to the same place, just slower), Americans won't stand for it. There will be parts of the country that will rise up." Then Glenn asked me and his listening audience, "And where's that going to come from?" He answered his own question, "Texas, it's going to come from Texas. Do you agree with that Chuck?" I replied, "Oh yeah!" Definitely.

It was these types of thoughts that led me to utter the tongue-n-cheek frustration on Glenn Beck's radio show, "I may run for president of Texas!"

I'm not saying that other states won't muster the gumption to stand and secede, but Texas has the history to prove it. As most know, Texas was its own country before it joined the Union as its 28th state. From 1836 to 1846, Texas was its own Republic. Washington-on-the-Brazos (river) served as our Philadelphia, Pa. It was there, on March 2, 1836, where a band of patriots forged the Texas Declaration of Independence. (We just celebrated these dates last week.)

...As Sam Houston once said, "Texas has yet to learn submission to any oppression, come from what source it may."

Just last Friday, the Alamo celebrated its 173rd commemoration, when on March 6, 1836, Texans under Col. William B. Travis were overcome by the Mexican army after a two-week siege at the Alamo in San Antonio. But they didn't go down without a hell-of-a-fight, as those roughly 145 Texans fought to their dying breaths against more than 2,000 Mexican forces under Gen. Santa Anna. (Casualties in the battle were 189 Texans vs. about 1,600 Mexicans.) They lost that battle, but would provide the inspiration to win the war. Their fighting spirit rallied the new-found republic, and still does to this day. So when you think all is lost in America, remember the Alamo!

For those losing hope, and others wanting to rekindle the patriotic fires of early America, I encourage you to join Fox News' Glenn Beck, me and millions of people across the country in the live telecast, "We Surround Them," on Friday afternoon (March 13 at 5 p.m. ET, 4 p.m. CT and 2 p.m. PST). Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation. You can host or attend a viewing party by going to Glenn's website. My wife Gena and I will be hosting one from our Texas ranch, in which we've invited many family members, friends and law enforcement to join us. It's our way of saying "We're united, we're tired of the corruption, and we're not going to take it anymore!"

Again, Sam Houston put it well when he gave the marching orders, "We view ourselves on the eve of battle. We are nerved for the contest, and must conquer or perish. It is vain to look for present aid: None is at hand. We must now act or abandon all hope! Rally to the standard, and be no longer the scoff of mercenary tongues! Be men, be free men, that your children may bless their father's name."


Chuck Norris is a secret Mexican Paultard.