Today's Paultard Video

This Paultard made a prediction that markets would collapse on January 26 of this year.

Funny thing: today is January 31 and most of us are still not hobos who gobble cock in an alleyway for chocolate wrappers that look gold.

But, BEWARE! Youtube user january262009 warns of February 6, which is the day that Jesus comes back to Earth wearing a V for Vendetta mask astride Ron Paul to devour our dollars and economies.

via The Youtubes

Palin Church Fire Secrets Revealed

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Not only was the Great Wasilla Bible Church Fire of '08 the work of angry homosexuals. Now it has come to light that it was the work of homosexual assassins:

[Blogger Kevin] Collins said he discussed the situation with a church elder, Tom Ryan, who confirmed the case isn’t a simple arson, but an attempted murder situation.

“There were five adult women and a 17-year-old girl in the church during the arson,” Collins wrote.

He also reported the telephone wires and those controlling the fire alarm and water sprinkler were cut before the fire was set from within the building, because footprints were found inside the control room.

“Clearly the arson[ist] knew the victims were present,” he wrote.

“The facts speak clearly. This attempted murder was perpetrated by someone from outside of the Wasilla area, a hired assassin who went there to kill people because of what they believe,” Collins reported.


Jesus' General responds:

No doubt your conclusion is correct. It must have been a murder attempt carried our by hired assassins from out of state. Your logic is impeccable. As you note, the phone and alarm lines were reportedly cut--surely, no one from Wasila has the mental acuity needed to operate a tool as complex as a wire cutter.

But who are these assassins? Are they Obama-voting infidels from Seattle, Denver, Charlotte or some other piece of faux America? Or are they part of a more sinister group--perhaps one with international origins.

I strongly suspect it's the latter. More specifically, I blame Nigerian child witches. They certainly have a motive. Gov. Palin's close relationship with Nigerian witch fighter Thomas Muthee surely scares them. They are already suffering greatly from the "poison destroyers," imprisonment, and beatings to which Pastor Muthee and his fellow witch fighters are subjecting them. Add the full power of American military might Palin could muster after God makes her President, and, hey, these wicked child witches could be rendered powerless in a matter of weeks.

I hope you'll pursue that lead, but if you do, please do so carefully.

Pilot For "The Bill Show" Airs

Ametuer Gynecologist and wife of Thundercunt, Bill Clinton, had a secret sexy meeting with Vladimir Putin at a fancy Supervillian retreat in Davos. The two men got wasted and had a 90 minute discussion, which we presume included some heavy over-the-sweater petting action:

Upon arriving here on Wednesday afternoon, he conducted a series of quiet meetings with foreign leaders that culminated in an intense late-night discussion with Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. The two former presidents met at a Sheraton hotel where Putin held a private party, following an early evening reception at a local museum hosted by Clinton.

Putin greeted Clinton cordially as "our good friend" as they raised glasses of vodka and then listened to a pianist pound out "In the Hall of the Mountain King." When the musical entertainment concluded, they moved to a table in a separate room with access strictly controlled by Secret Service and Russian security agents. Flanked by aides and an interpreter, the two men talked for nearly 90 minutes before they rose and walked out together for a few pictures with partygoers and members of Clinton's entourage.

Neither man commented on the substance of their discussions, and there was no indication that Clinton was carrying a particular message to the Russian leader.

Further Evidence Kanye West & Friends™ Are Big Mos

Kanye and his girlfriends went to Fashion Week, Sex in the City style as pictured above, and got called horrible names like "gay" and "clown" because they dressed like gay hobo clowns from the future.

This did not sit well with Kanye's barber and image consultant, Ibn Jasper, who is a man that dresses and cuts the hair of a homosexual for a living.

Jasper lashed out, threatening the internets Michael Steele style:

...And for the record, aint NONE OF US "gay"or a "clown". What's so funny to me about it , is that we dress like grown men.

And let's not forget that we are from the streets of Chicago, aint nothing sweet over here. We aint no punks! Getting dressed up and stunting on people is all a part of the Pimp/ Player culture that we were raised in. You guys might have just seen that type of stuff in movies like "The Mack" and "Pimps Up, Hoes Down", but that is what we grew up around, lived and saw everyday. To this day, my father says that he raised all of his sons to be Pimps. I already have broken and scratched up knuckles from steeling on and smacking the sh!t out of dudes that tried to underestimate me and call me out of my name. If someone wants to be the next victim I would be more that happy to grant them that wish...


Here's our favorite part:


Activity Day from ibn jasper on Vimeo.

We pop them thangs too, don't get it twisted....

I'm not on no tough sh!t, I just know how to defend myself. I learned how to shoot guns correctly in my highschool R.O.T.C. class.

via Gawker

Denial

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From Yahoo Answers:

My 17 year old son has been very secretive with me lately, recently he has started to refuse to go to church with the family and tonight when I was going through his room I found a magazine with naked men in it. He obviously has a girlfriend that he is hiding from me that brought that magazine into my home and I am afraid they are having intercourse and I am greatly concerned that he is going to get her pregnant.

What should I do about this?

via FAIL

GOP Elects...wait...what? A Black Guy?

The RNC chair race was a really interesting thing. After being slaughtered in the last two election cycles, no one important or interesting or having a modicum of decency would get anywhere near that tar baby.

Enter a couple of black guys and a gaggle of Klansmen.

After 6 ballots, Michael Steele defeated some elderly Grand Wizard who was traumatized as a child by being forced to attend school with a bunch of "nagras".

He then instituted a new reign of black terror within the party, mugging several aged Republicans in the parking lot while shouting death threats:

"We're going to say to friend and foe alike: 'We want you to be a part of us, we want you to with be with us.' And for those who wish to obstruct, get ready to get knocked over,"

Inaugural Memories

Holy Ghost People

We never heard of this documentary until last weekend.

The film, made in 1967 by Peter Adair, chronicles the service of a Pentecostal church in West Virginia.

Scary stuff.

Here are parts 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

Worth watching.

Then again, we were high.

Today's Godtube Moment

Words can't describe.

Here's the description from Godtube:

Sarah Palin tries to make a difference by throwing starfish that are stranded on the shore back into the sea while Obama and Biden stand by and watch.

Obama Fulfills Promise To End "Don't Ask Don't Tell"

How To Make Donatella Versace Look Less Tan

Inventive backgrounds including Jersey guidos and more, here at Tabloid Prodigy.

A New Word Is Born

Rick Warren, pastor of a gay mega-waterpark in California, has a new Jesus pamphlet for sale. And the name of it is...wait for it...wait for it...Saddlebacking:

Matt Rettenmund at Boy Culture notes that Pastor Rick Warren is publishing a new magazine (featuring an interview with Obama in its first issue) with a title more suited for a gay hook-up site.

Slogger and sex columnist Dan Savage held a contest to determine what might be a proper definition for the term "saddlebacking" (in honor of Rick Warren's Saddleback Church) and the definition above prevailed:



Saddlebacking: sad•dle•back•ing \ˈsa-dəl-ˈba-kiŋ\ vb [fr. Saddleback Church] (2009): the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities

After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she’s saving herself for marriage.

via Towleroad

And It Begins...

Good Lord. The Alaskan Snowbilly has created a PAC, which is an acronym that unfortunately does not stand for pathetic-ass cunt.

We've only been a Mooslim nation for 8 days or so, but that won't stop Sarah Palin from staging her grand comeback for 2012 by hoarding donations from illiterate cousin-fuckers.

Gawd help us all.