New WALNUTS! Ad

First Lady in the Making

History is happening before our eyes.



via Sully

The God Squad

Nazi Pope has ordered his bishops to set up exorcism squads to combat the rise of Satanism.

The initiative was revealed by 82-year-old Father Gabriele Amorth, the Vatican "exorcistinchief," to the online Catholic news service Petrus.
"Thanks be to God, we have a Pope who has decided to fight the Devil head-on," he said.

Herr Pope, I have three words for you: Steel. Cage. Matches.

via Daily Mail

Classic Obama

A Sad Day

Red State Update: Ron Paul

If Only

BREAKING NEWS: There are Gayz in Florida

UCLA School of Law’s Williams Institute released a report stating there are 55,000 same-sex couples living in Florida.

So that's about 110,000 residents soon to be fucked over by religious mouth breathers' Save Marriage from Teh Gayz constitutional amendment.

Stay classy Florida.

[The marriage debate] via NWF Daily News

Assassinated

photo via ABC

[Pakistan's Bhutto Killed in Attack]

New Hampshire Hates Mittens

First, the Concord Moniter gives Mitt an anti-endorsement.

Now, the Union Leader gives the scary spaceman the same treatment.

They say he lacks conviction, which is code for "Your religion is fucking nuts, you have secret handshakes, you wear magic pajamas, and ummmmm that kinda creeps us out."

UPDATE: Paultard takes Lips Away from Bong Long Enough to Rebut

Paultard responds by throwing flower necklaces.

My Hero for the Day

Eat this CNN.

12/25 Truce with Nazi Pope

photo via AP

At tonight's Xmas mass, Pope Benedict XVI said something I found profound:

Man is so preoccupied with himself, he has such urgent need of all the space and all the time for his own things, that nothing remains for others, for his neighbor, for the poor, for God

AP

I Had No Idea

What do nosebleeds, Anime, and Viagra have in common?

Read the backtracks.

via Sully

Why the U.S. is STILL Better than Our Bacon Eating, Syrup Chugging Neighbors to the North

This Canadian brainchild got silicon breast implants for his tatoo of a lady with big ta tas.

[Lady Lumps] via Jezebel

12/25 Racial Stereotypes

The lynchpin of American society. This has been in my head all month. Still as funny since the first time.

Pat Robertson Intrigued by Paultards

Aren't we all?

Ron Paul - Slavemaster

I heart Meet the Press. Tim Russert has the ability to bring out the kook in anyone.

Yesterday's episode featured Paultard Overlord Ron Paul. As usual with anything that features RuPaul, it brought the crazy. Here's his take on the Civil War, basically saying Lincoln was an idiot and should have just bought all the slaves.

Vote Ron Paul and own your own slaves! What a douche.





And this is why I heart Ann Coulter.

Elizabeth Kucinich's Hotness Brings Religions Together

If she can spare the time from helping Dennis make Grasshoppers, I so want her to read me a bedtime story or something. I lika the way she talk.

Ron Paul and Friends to Cruise in Hindenburg

Hey, remember Ron Paul's neo-nazi money?

Here's a pic from September at the Values Voters Presidential debate. Guess who's pictured?



Yup, Don Black. The nazi guy who runs Stormfront. Wierdo next to Don is Carmen Sandeigo impersonator/Don's son Derek.

Instead of making Liberty Dollars, are Paultards now going to use Reichsmark coins?

[little green footballs]

Please Waterboard this She-He

It's still not unconstitutional, right? GET TO IT! For real.

The New York Observer actually thought it would be kewl to interview the pillow biter, I suppose assuming he had something interesting to say.

Isn't it bad enough we had to watch that fucking video over and over? Then, he's getting his own show. Then gets Time's viral video of the year.

In the NYO interview, he spits out cute gems like this:

This election will be my first chance to vote, and I want to be confident in my choice. Everyone thinks it’s so controversial for Hillary to be in the running, but where are the openly gay presidential candidates? Don’t get me wrong, fag hags are great, but why have the hag when you can have the fag?

I rest my case, secret Bush Administation terrorist court people. Intern this danger to society now.

So, start with this



stir in some




a dash of this



sprinkle some of this on it



and then BAM! One steaming hot serving of my tax dollars put to good use right at my dinner table.

Good for some, good for all. Right?

Alan Keyes Will Blow Your Mind

Part-time GOP presidential candidate Alan Keyes gave a speech in Reno back in October dealing with some serious psychological shit. Follow him down the rabbit hole.

Satanists Invade Panama Shitty to Counter Pagan Insurgency in FWB

Not content with letting Pagan goat killers encroach on Panhandle territory, Satanic forces are stealing "light-up Lords" (otherwise known as Baby Jesus) from mangers all over Panama Shitty. Since this has happened on a couple of occasions this year, it's obviously an epidemic. Atleast according to S. Brady Calhoun of Florida Freedom Newspapers, who's pretty pissed that people are fucking with plastic versions of God's only son.

One of the victims, Gerard Virga, agrees with my snap judgement:

It might be a cult or something. Why would you take baby Jesus?


Why indeed, sir?

[Baby Jesus being stolen from Panama City mangers]

9udy Wishes You a Merry 12/25

Here's his other Christmas ad, lisping something about borders and taxes. There may be no Christmas this year, as it seems 9udy is holding Santy hostage to make these stupid videos.

Mitt Saves

Ron Paul Def not Neo-Nazi (But Neo-Nazi Money is OK)

Even though Paultards claimed victory with their Tea Party fundraiser, it seems they need every dime they can get to keep their stupid blimp in the air.

Therefore, Ron Paul is keeping a $500 donation from Neo-Nazi Don Black. Spokesperson Jesse Benton said (in robot voice) that it's $500 more for RuPaul and $500 less for folks who jerk it to American History X.


[Paul Keeps White Supremacist Donation]

Cold War is not Over

And this scary Euroterrorist proves it. Try and make it through without:

1) Laughing your ass off

or

2) Being spooked as shit that he's the type of guy that will check you in to a hostel in Slovakia, burn your passport, sell you to even spookier Slavs, and then you meet a torturous demise.





Oh, by the way, he's batshit insane.

[This is how the MEDIA works - whoremongers POS]

Paultards Claim Victory!!!

Some Paultard made this video of a hypothetical Ron Paul election victory announced by CNN, which will be as close to actually winning as RuPaul is gonna get.

Haterade Holiday Message

This shit is too funny not to share. Tuesday, Haterade wrote a blog about his new fat neighbors and it was gold:

3. Fat chicks are always down to eat, and usually drive. I haven't decided if I want to make friends with these fatties yet. But if I did, I'm the type who would pound on their door at 3AM, hitting them up for a ride to Jack in the Box. YOU know they'd be down.


In yesterday's episode, the new neighbors came bearing gifts. Again, comedic gold.





Read both.


[The positives about having fat neighbors]

[THEY BROUGHT ME FUCKING RUM CAKE (I normally don’t make videos, either)]

Guilty Pleasures

Kid Nation out.

Clash of the Choirs in...

9udy's Gay for Fruitcake

An Appeal

photo via NYT

March 10, 2003 a young woman was beaten to death during a burglary. Ryan Holle and family want to appeal his life sentence as a result of this crime.

His role?

The actual murderer borrowed his car.

Ahh, the panhandle of Florida.


[Stretching the Law?]

Today's Godtube Moment

Dealing with the War on Christmas.

Maybe THIS is Why

Fox Noise is bitching about Obama and Edwards not appearing on their network for interviews. Maybe they should watch their own fucking programming.

MSNBC Scoffs at Huck's Magic Floating Cross

I had no idea Mika was such a bitch. Lovin' it.

I Am Legend

Saw it yesterday. Amazing. Just go see the damn thing.


[I Am Legend]

Paultards like Jello Wrestling

No explanation. Just watch the Paultardary.

The Family that Sluts it up Together...

photo via Getty

Guess who's pregnant? No, not that Spears. The 16yo one. Yup, Jamie Lynn.

And yes, I do realize this does not qualify as news.

[HuffPost]

Al Gore has Gay Brother

Not really, but the SC based Southern Avenger sure sounds like it. Bask in his towering intellect while he sums up the GOP race.

Putin Person of the Year Twice in a Row

That's right. Time's POY went to Vlad, the creepy belly kisser.


[A Tsar is Born]

1 Part Interwebs, 1 Part Cohol

Don't mind if I do.

[Joe Bartender]

Pat Robertson's Turtleneck is Pretty Sure Ice Storms Caused by Messing with Israel

Pat Robertson's Turtleneck Hates Teh Gayz

Words of wisdom from the 700 Club.

The Audacity of Obama

The nerve!

Ron Paul Pwns Huck

Huckabee sent out his Christmas e-card yesterday, complete with floating cross in the back. I'm beginning to think he lost all that weight on meth considering be blinks 20 times in a second. Anyway, here it is...





Today on Fox, Paultard Overlord Ron Paul drops the F bomb, quoting Sinclair Lewis.

New Batman Trailer

Looks amazing.

Reason # 101,569 to hate Panama Shitty

photo via Beau Cabell


The Panama City News Herald. More specifically Mike Cazalas' blog Cazual Conversation, your chance to comment on local politics.

The most recent installment: the gushing of a proud soccer dad. There's even a video showing zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


[Cazual Conversation]

The Man without a Face

photo via nationalphotogroup.com


WTF is Jacko's problem? I mean.....really?


[TMZ]

WALNUTS! gets shot of Joementum

Droopy Drawers Lieberman hearts Mccain and proved it with an endorsement.

[CNN]

Mitt Wept

On yesterday's Meet the Press, Russert brought up the the Mormon church's 1978 decision to let black folk through the door. Mittens said, after hearing the news on the radio, he had to pull his car over because he was crying. I guess Space-Christians do have hearts.

Paultards Take to the Skies

Last week, the Paultards finally got their blimp in the air. Hopefully they will shut up about the GD thing. Doubtful tho. In case you cared, here is footage of the launch, complete with in-cockpit angles and drum circles.

Huck Spawn Kills AIDS Dog

photo via AP


In 1998, Dave Huckabee and his bff hung a stray dog at Boy Scout Camp. Apparently, it was done out of mercy, given the dog had mange. So take THAT Romney family. It's one thing to strap a dog to the top of your car on family vaca, but quite another to go to the artistic lengths of lynching one in Arkansas.


[A Son’s Past Deeds Come Back To Bite Huckabee]

Phenom

photo via Callie Shell / Aurora for TIME

Numbers don't lie. People are listening.

And people are jumping ships:

No one, except a presidential candidate scouring the state for a persuasive, hardworking and powerful active Dem in the small town of Mount Pleasant, Iowa, has any reason to know or care about her, except for the fact that she has just resigned as Hillary Clinton precinct captain andjumped over to Obama's camp, complete with a video taped endorsement now running on YouTube.




I love James Zogby's take:

After eight largely successful, but embattled and exhausting years, the Clinton Administration gave way to George Bush and seven years of lost opportunities and failed leadership. All of this has left many Americans bitter and cynical. Preying off of fear, anger and division has taken a toll and damaged the spirit of the body politic. Into this arena Barack Obama has issued a call in a different voice - an appeal to the angels of our better selves coupled with the optimism and conviction that change can come.

Welcome to Target. Now Burn in Hell.

Ukranian Soldiers are Pimps

First glance, looks like some 90's European porno. Nope. It's a recruitment ad for the Ukranian army.





via Sully

Winning at any Cost

After this week's Shaheen incident, followed quickly by a resignation, the Clintons thought they could put a long week of scrutiny and a horrible debate performance to rest with little blowback. Hillary feigned ignorance to the whispering campaign of Obama's drug use as a young man and offered a personal apology.

However, the insincerity of the Clinton machine is evident moments after the apology preceeding Thursday's debate.

Here's a clip from Hardball, where Joe Trippi for Edwards, David Axelrod for Obama and Mark Penn for Clinton had an amazing exchange. Unable to resist in breathing new life in to the smear, Mark Penn evoked the word cocaine again.





MyDD nailed it:

The fire in the belly that Trippi exhibited on Hardball yesterday reflected perfectly Edwards's populist fighter persona, just as Axelrod's mellow above the fray style echoed Obama. What does Penn's slimy shiftiness say about his candidate?

Then Bill weighs in on Charlie Rose yesterday saying:

When I was a governor and young and thought I was the best politician in the Democratic Party, I didn't run the first time. I could have. I knew in my bones I shouldn't run. That I was a good enough politician to win, but I didn't think I was ready to be president

Then this quote from an interview Hillary gave today on Iowa Press:

"I've been tested, I’ve been vetted. There are no surprises. There’s not going to be anybody saying, 'I didn’t think of that, my goodness, what’s that going to mean?'"


While her hunger for power was expected, these tactics should be alarming to anyone pating attention.

Chuck and Huck

When Ranger Cordell Walker announced he was endorsing Huckabee, I couldn't stop laughing at them.

Then, I saw this ad with the pair, I couldn't stop laughing with them.

Now, after watching the latest ad, it's evident that Chuck Norris' admiration for Huck is genuine. Whether or not there's agreement on the issues whatsoever, there exists admiration on my end for the ideals.

Local Christmas Paultardary

Props to Jim at Wonkette for finding a Paultard video faster than I. Here, Paultards from Clearwater, Florida sing a new and improved version of the 12 Days of Christmas.

Keep your eye on the over-enthusiastic hefty girl up front that dressed like she ate Sailor Moon.

My Governor is a Closeted Twat

photo via AP



The religious mouth-breathers of the great state of Florida got enough signatures on their little petition for banning same-sex marriage. Hooray!!!!!!!!!

612,009 assh....citizens signed to stick it to teh gayz. Florida Governor Charlie Crist joined the fun. Funny thing about that (besides being a closet mo himself) is back in February, when the Republican Party of Florida wanted to start raising money for the project, he said "I just think that their money can be better spent on other things that may be more pressing, like elections."



[Gay marriage ban advances]

Hillary Purported to be of Human Origin

Her new ad even proves it. She gots her momz all up in it.

Dorothy Rodham calls her daughter helpful and never envious of anyone. Powerful endorsement, Mother of Manimal.

Chelsea is in it too, creating a powerful triumvirate of women whose voices annoy the shit out of me.

Fun with Words

I just learned there's something called Dickipedia. No, it's not a porn site, but it is about assholes. Guess who's one of their newest entries?



[Dickipedia]

Snowtard Captures Attention

Ben Eckerson, North Carolina douchebag extraordinaire, is sitting in a snowglobe to "spread holiday cheer" or something equally annoying. There's even a live feed so you can watch him set a world record......for sitting in a snowglobe. My guess is that Mike Huckabee thought he had AIDS and requested he be immediately quarantined.


[Snowglobe Boy!]

Things are getting uglier in New Hampshire

photo via Brendan Smialowski at Getty

Hillary Clinton campaign surrogate Billy Shaheen gave an interview with the Washington Post yesterday scaring off Obama supporters saying Republicans will attack O on his past drug use.

"The Republicans are not going to give up without a fight ... and one of the things they're certainly going to jump on is his drug use," said Shaheen, the husband of former N.H. governor Jeanne Shaheen, who is planning to run for the Senate next year. Billy Shaheen contrasted Obama's openness about his past drug use -- which Obama mentioned again at a recent campaign appearance in New Hampshire -- with the approach taken by George W. Bush in 1999 and 2000, when he ruled out questions about his behavior when he was "young and irresponsible."

Shaheen said Obama's candor on the subject would "open the door" to further questions. "It'll be, 'When was the last time? Did you ever give drugs to anyone? Did you sell them to anyone?'" Shaheen said. "There are so many openings for Republican dirty tricks. It's hard to overcome."


Then an apology, but not from Hil. From her campaign:

“Senator Clinton is out every day talking about the issues that matter to the American people. These comments were not authorized or condoned by the campaign in any way.”

Such a classy lady.

[Clinton N.H. Official Warns Obama Will Be Attacked on Drug Use]

[Another Political "Sorry"]

Welcome the Intertubes newest guest

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a blogger. Apparently, he's been doing this for a while. Here's a snippet from last year:

On the Holocaust:

The question is that in the world war the second more than sixty million people were killed. Out of these sixty millions two millions were among military personnel and the rest were civilians who did not have anything to do with war. These civilians were killed differently and they were respected. Now why we shall focus on certain number of people. Another question was that if you claim that this incident is real, why no impartial groups are allowed to investigate on it? Why European citizens are put behind bars only because of expressing their views? This occurs while we are allowed to question the most proved realities of the world. We allow every one to investigate and raise questions on God, prophets, freedom of human being, human being democracy and human rights but we do not allow anyone to question or investigate a historical event which happened sixty years ago. This is a big question. We think if this is a real incident we can present and prove it more clearly through researches and investigations. But here we face the main question which is raised by no one: this incident happened in Europe but the Palestinians are paying the price.


WOW.

He even invites comments from all over the world, which proved to be way more entertaining. Enjoy.

[Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Personal Memos]

Mo Money Mo Problems

Guess who's in trouble again? Yup, Rev. Al.

The FBI and IRS are investigating whether Sharpton improperly misstated the amount of money he raised during his 2004 White House run to illegally obtain federal matching funds, a source familiar with the probe said.


[Subpoenas for Al Sharpton's aides]

Crazy-eyed Paultard is back

This time, she's railing on our tax system.

It's hard to take anyone seriously when you're afraid they will sneak into your room at night and kill you in your sleep.

BREAKING NEWS...Science should be taught in schools

photo via True Belief Comics

The Florida State Board of Education is "preparing to make a much stronger endorsement of evolution in the new science standards." Wow. That takes bravery.

[Evolution in Education]

God I missed that man

I totally forgot that there was gonna be a GOP debate yesterday until it just came on TV. Typical boring shit. Mittens and Huck had a Jesus-off. Thompson kept muttering about tadpoles or pick-up trucks or something. 9udy 11uliani wants to scare us in to electing him Head Premier or whatever he'll change the title of President to. Tancredo warned us of roving drug dealing, kid raping messicans. And then, MAGIC.

Alan fucking Keyes was there. And oh did he bring the crazy. It takes a special kind of candidate to make Ron Paul look sane. Here's just a taste.

And what kinda underwear do YOU sport, Huck?

In an article appearing in Sunday's NYT, AIDS-free presidential candidate Mike Huckabee asks "Don't Mormons believe that Jesus and the devil are brothers?"

[Huckabee questions Mormons' beliefs]

Huck is right. But fellow candidate Mittens is pretty damned pissed. He vents on The Today Show, saying Huckabee "Is really going too far."

Hmm. I would think that going too far is wearing magic underwear, believing Jesus chilled with Native Americans, Jesus is coming back to Missouri, and you can pull the word of God out of a hat.

But, hey. That's just me.

Goat Busters

Look out Fort Walton Beach. There's a goat killer on the loose.

Over the last 3 months, 3 headless goats have turned up on our streets. The Animal Defense Council is mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore.

Wait, they're based out of Arizona. WTF? If we don't care, why should they?

Anyways, the ADC is offering a whopping $500 dollars on any info on these Pagan criminals. So, mysterious goat boy, whoever you are, stop it. Or else......they'll force you to attend an Arizona Rattlers game. Consider yourself warned.

[Reward offered for headless goat info]

Wolf Blitzer is gonna rip Condi right out of the closet

Yesterday on the Situation Room, Wolf Blitzer interviewed Elisabeth Bumiller, the author of the new Condi biography "Condoleezza Rice: An American Life."

Rather than talk about the Middle East Peace initiative or, I don't know, something substantive, The Wolf kept prying about Condi's personal life.

Keep up the good work, CNN.

[HuffPost]

Holiday Classics

The National Republican Senatorial Committee has released a special Xmas message for Libtards. You'd figure that out of all the staff on The Hill, they cudda chosen people WHO COULD ACTUALLY FUCKING SING. Oh well, I guess the Log Cabin Republican carolers had other engagements.

Local Jesusery

Guess who's hanging out with everyone's favorite wizard carpenter? Santy Claus!!!

The Walton County courthouse's Christmas display in DeFuniak Springs added secular elements to their nativity scene in order to appease the spoilsports at Americans United for the Seperation of Church and State (whom I'm pretty sure is some Masonic / Satanic cult thingy), after they claimed the nativity alone was unconstitutional.


photo via Devon Ravine / NWF Daily News


Now you can see Santy, reindeer, Frosty the Snowjob, and all your other favorite symbols of the destruction of our country:


Lifelong DeFuniak Springs resident Cindi Murphy, 50, said the Nativity display is a tradition. “It’s a shame they added the secular items,” she said. “Where do these people come from coming in here telling us what to do?”


Um, because they pay taxes too?

Resident Russell Brown was quoted:


“Santa Claus wasn’t there with the wise men."


But if he was, he'd blow away the wise men's shitty gifts with something a child could actually use. Does the Son of God really need gold?

[Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and Santa]

Merry Xmas from the Ghost of Richard Nixon

He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows what time you wake up, your ssn, favorite color, hopes and dreams, financial records...

Eternal Salvation Not Included

There's gonna be some sad kids Christmas morning. One2believe's Talking Jesus Messenger of Faith doll is allllllllll sold out at Walmart.

Does anyone remember what that darned 2nd Commandment was?




photo via Consumerist.com

Exclusive Footage of the Blimptard

So the Blimptard was supposed to take off on Monday. Now it's delayed until tomorrow. But who can wait that long?

Paultards have released footage of the soon-to-be Ron Paul Blimp. Wait in suspense no more...

Because the Baptist Church Cares

Guess who's in danger of being brainwashed by a scary cult. YOU!!! The folks over a The Apologetics, a subset of the Southern Baptist Convention, published some useful tips in case you were tempted to drink the Kool Aid.

They also published a list of orgs to watch out for:

Major Cults and Sects in North America

• The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons)• Jehovah's Witnesses• United Pentecostal Church (Oneness Pentecostalism)• Unitarian Universalist Association• Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (RLDS)/Community of Christ• Christian Science• Unity School of Christianity• International Church of Christ• The Way International• Church of Scientology International• Baha'i Faith• Nation of Islam

Wait. Unitarians? Um, okay.

Basically, just watch out for for religions that do not have a secure server for online donations.

Click below for more info on keeping your shoelaces untangled and your balls unmarred.