Why You Just Shouldn't Care

You live longer:

A Panama City man was treated at a local hospital on Sunday for injuries he suffered after two men beat him with a pipe and brass knuckles when he stopped to help a person whose vehicle appeared to be disabled.

The 19-year-old victim said he saw a vehicle County 22 near Lone Wolf Security that appeared to be disabled. He described it as a primer gray or silver older model Chevrolet or GM single cab, 1970s model. When he went to the passenger side of his vehicle to get jumper cables, two men attacked him, according to a Bay County Sheriff's Office incident report.

Judgement Day

Protests against bigotry are being organized across the country, scheduled for this Saturday.

Locally, there are 2 venues: Panama Shitty and Pcola.

We'll be in Pensacola because it's closer...and because Panama Shitty is a shit hole.

Liveblogging and video will be attempted...pending on alcohol comsumption before and after.

What To Get The Drunken Mother Who Has Everything

.

The Milkscreen.

From Gizmodo:

Just because you have a baby at home doesn't mean that your partying days must come to an end. Fortunately, mothers that like to go out on Saturday nights and have a few drinks can prevent passing boob booze onto their kid using a system called Milkscreen. Basically, Milkscreen is a litmus test that screens breast milk for alcohol that could have a negative impact on a baby's health. The whole thing seems a little weird in a contentiously irresponsible sort of way, but I suppose it is better to be safe than have a drunken baby on your hands. Available for $20 for a large pack.

BREAKING NEWS: Panama Shitty Gets Some Books

Above is a video of the grand opening of the Bay County Public Library located in Panama Shitty.

They have a couple of books, some of those crazy picture boxes with typewriters, and lots and lots of empty space for hobos to pretend they're reading while they piss in the corner.

Watch the whole thing for a musical act that you'll never forget. No matter how hard you try.

via Panama Shitty News Herald

Only In Panama Shitty

A hobo walking his pet racoon on a leash.

Money quote, when he was stopped by offended witnesses:

Mine. It’s mine. I trapped, I caught it, it’s mine

via NWF Daily News

Panama Shitty News Herald Needs Enima

The Panama City News Herald editorial staff (shown above) have done it again.

If Exhibits A, B, C, and D were not sufficient evidence to convince you that the "paper" was run by incompetent fucktards, here's the semen stained dress:

“Woo! Spring Break. Woo!”

The shout is one of the most familiar sounds on Panama City Beach in March.

It can be heard emanating from off-road vehicles overflowing with passengers and inside nightclubs as local and national bands prepare to play. It’s the first sign of an afternoon of fun in the sun and the final gasp of a night that has lasted two drinks too long.

However, while most spring breakers have heard it, defining “Woo!” is a tricky task.

“I think it means everybody’s drunk,” said 19-year-old Hillary Renecker, a University of Akron student.

So, yeh. An entire thread dedicated to solving the burning question on everyone's mind: What does "Woo!" mean.

Wait, wait, wait........you knew there was a video, right?



Panama City News Herald: When reading Highlights for Children is just a little too confusing.

via Panama Shitty News Herald

Planned Parenthood Satanists Encourage Spring Break Immorality

This is the time of year when nice young ladies and gentlemen flock to Panama Shitty to help feed the homeless and hold beachside bible studies. The fine Christian tradition known Spring Break is now under assault by the baby-eating pagans at Planned Parenthood:

College-age members of Planned Parenthood were not shy last week as they handed out free condoms and showed spring breakers how to use them.

The students combed beaches, worked clubs and bars encouraging their counterparts to practice safe sex. On a recent outing, as earsplitting music played in the background, Natalie Muniz, the education director of Planned Parenthood of North Central Florida, demonstrated the correct way to open a condom package — look for the air bubble and don’t use your teeth — and what condom users should immediately look for, the expiration date.

...The brand of condom Muniz and her University of Florida students were offering is called “Proper Attire.” The new brand is designed to appeal to women as a fashion accessory, Muniz said. The brand uses the tag line “Required for entry.”

“We don’t think guys should have all the fun,” said Becca Guerra, a student and a member of Planned Parenthood. “We should be in charge of our own sexual health.”

Jesus. Couldn't they have atleast handed out brand name condoms? The last thing I want between me and a host of STD's is Uncle Roscoe's Discount Dickbags™.

Here, let that kid from Malcolm in the Middle explain:



via Panama Shitty News Herald

Britney Spears IS a Laughing Matter. So What?

Britney had a rough week. Boo hoo.

The only thing more tiresome than the media incessantly reminding us of the Looserana crackabortion is "someone" who needs to use the tragedy as a platform for a shitty after school special.

Scratch that. A Panama Shitty after school special. Let's read:

Remember this if you are one of those inclined to visit a web site mocking Spears’ meltdown to bet on whether she survives the year: you probably know someone who is suffering, just not so visibly, and they might not last the year either.

Look, Mike. Funny is funny. Britney Spears, one of the world's most privileged, naive, narcissistic, arrogant, useless pieces of twat is spiraling downward in a self-enduced fall from grace. It is entertaining/tragic/flawless. Stop making it a dead baby.

Oh, and isn't Cazual Conversation's motto "Your chance to comment on local politics"? It's even labeled under Local Government in the blog section of the PCNS.

So get to it. Talk about something substantive. Maybe the CHEIF OF POLICE ORGANIZING A BURGLARY or Ammendemnt 1.

Either way, Nancy Reagan and G.I. Joe pretty much caught me up on the whole drugs are bad thing, mmkay?

via PCNH

Panama Shitty News Roundup

What's gayer than crying about freezing baby kittens? Racing to get the first pictures of it so you can whore your blog: [Cazual Conversation]

What would happen if the Cloverfield monster attacked Panama Shitty? Property values would skyrocket: [The Blueprint]

TPS Reports for bums: [PCNH]

What do the Giants and MLK have in common? Nothing. Absolutely nothing: [Slice of Life]

DBNJ: Your Serial Killer Headquarters

The Daytona Beach News Journal is now your # 1 source for news on Redneck Dexter.

They even have a special page online so you can track the movements and latest updates on a creep that shudda been in jail three years ago.

Besides pictures of victims and archived pieces on RD, they even have a definition of "serial killer" :

The definitions vary from source to source. In general, a serial killer is one who preys on people he or she does not know.

Thanks DBNJ.

And, wait!!! Oh cool!!! New home prices are down, I can get a job in nursing, AND I can find true love on truesexysingles.com.

DBNJ, the most trusted name in news. Atleast right above the Panama Shitty News Herald.

via DBNJ

Satanists Invade Panama Shitty to Counter Pagan Insurgency in FWB

Not content with letting Pagan goat killers encroach on Panhandle territory, Satanic forces are stealing "light-up Lords" (otherwise known as Baby Jesus) from mangers all over Panama Shitty. Since this has happened on a couple of occasions this year, it's obviously an epidemic. Atleast according to S. Brady Calhoun of Florida Freedom Newspapers, who's pretty pissed that people are fucking with plastic versions of God's only son.

One of the victims, Gerard Virga, agrees with my snap judgement:

It might be a cult or something. Why would you take baby Jesus?


Why indeed, sir?

[Baby Jesus being stolen from Panama City mangers]

Reason # 101,569 to hate Panama Shitty

photo via Beau Cabell


The Panama City News Herald. More specifically Mike Cazalas' blog Cazual Conversation, your chance to comment on local politics.

The most recent installment: the gushing of a proud soccer dad. There's even a video showing zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


[Cazual Conversation]