Local Moron Mentioned On Famous Moron's Show

Jesus jump roping Christ.

In short:

A man who flies a Confederate flag on property he owns on Beal Parkway added two large signs Wednesday to express his feelings about President Barack Obama.

"January 20, 2009, A Day of Darkness, Hussen (sic)" is written on both signs, which are each about the size of a dinner table.

...Property owner Larry Ford said he put up the signs to share his opinion of Obama, who he refers to as "Hussein."

"We've got a man who shouldn't even be president," Ford said when reached by phone Thursday. "He's an insult to the decent, hard-working people that made this country what it is."

By Thursday night, Ford was featured on MSNBC's Countdown with Keith Olbermann as the worst person in the world.

Ford said the feedback he'd gotten in the first 24 hours was positive, but he realized there would be those who disagreed with him.

An active-duty military woman who wrote to the Daily News agreed that the property owner had a constitutional right to express his opinion, but said she was upset that the president's middle name is misspelled.

When that was pointed out to Ford, he wasn't concerned.

"I think everybody knows who I'm talking about, don't you?" he said. "American people are the stupidest people in the world, but something like that I think they can figure out."

Come If You Can

A good friend of mine has made a doc, profiling his own experiences as a physically challenged person.

The screening is this Friday, November 21, at the Emerald Coast Conference Center.

Directions and map here.

Anyone mentioning this post gets a drink on me at the bar of my choice.

We Voted

Hoorayz!!!

This election clusterfuck is finally over.

After standing in line forever (15 mins) we finally got to vote for that black Mooslim guy...which in Florida translates into 3 votes for WALNUTS!. Also, the only person who was given a hard time at our station was...wait for it...wait for it...a black guy.

After voting, we passed by the local Dem HQ and turned in to the rundown gas station/bait shop, hoping to get a chance to abort a few babies and sodomize a cardboard cutout of Sen. Unicorn. Unfortunately, we only got to do one of those.

The liberal witches axed us to canvass a neighborhood if we had the time...which we did because we try to hold off drinking until atleast noon. (Gin doesn't settle well with cappuccino after only an hour.)

They gave us the blackest neighboorhood that was left...because apparently everyone who volunteered before us was smarter than that. After hitting 4 streets and being threatened by one elderly negress to get the hell off her property, we gave up, turned in our sheets and hit the bar.

Fun times.

Moral of the story:

Going here may be admirable...



But this is much more rewarding...

Coach / Kid Toucher Found Dead

Ray Totten, the local tennis coach who did some really creepy shit to minors, was found dead yesterday....the day of the beginning of his trial.

From NWF Daily News:

Ray Totten, a former high school coach charged with sexually molesting a student, was found dead Wednesday at his sister's home.

Totten, who was facing 65 counts of lewd and lascivious molestation, was scheduled to go on trial Wednesday morning.

Totten's minister found his body when she arrived at his sister's home in Fort Walton Beach to pick him up for court, said Fort Walton Beach Police Capt. Darrell Bruhn. Police were called to the scene at 221 Bradley Drive at 8:22 a.m.

No sign of foul play or evidence of suicide were found at the scene, Bruhn said.

...Totten, 47, had spent four years as Fort Walton Beach High School's tennis coach and was in his first year as golf coach when he was arrested May 28.

The arrest came after a 14-year-old boy told his parents that Totten had been sexually abusing him several times a week since December 2007.

Fort Walton Beach police originally charged Totten with 50 counts of lewd and lascivious molestation for incidents alleged to have occurred on school grounds.

In September, the Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office added 15 more molestation charges stemming from incidents believed to have occurred at Totten's home.

He also was accused of tampering with evidence for trying to dismantle a flash drive lawmen said contained 30 to 40 images of the victim's genitals.


There's plenty of snark to go all over this story...but rather than that, just read the comments on the story. Gems, one and all.

The Goaterrorist Project

There's a new lead on the Goaterrorist.

From NWF Daily News:

In a noisy farm at the end of a long dirt road on Draggin' Acres, a bleating Louis L'Amour is one of the lucky goats.

He still has his head.

So do the others - Aunt Jemima, Custer and the young Geronimo. In fact, all 75 of the pygmy and Nubian goats milling around on Brooke Broderick's farm appear safe because their owner keeps close watch.

Besides being the most awesome racist goat farmer around, Louis has something else special to her story:

...She may have a clue, though: A strange phone call she reported to the Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office last March, about six months before the first decapitated goat was found.

A call history record from the Sheriff's Office lists a report from Broderick just before 7 a.m. March 2, 2007 describing a bizarre call about an ad she placed.

Broderick sells her animals through word-of-mouth and by postings on the Internet classifieds site craigslist.org - which is how the Daily News found her after a cursory search. She describes the March phone call as "really weird."

"A man left a voice mail to me with an extremely eerie soundtrack - like jungle sounds," she says. "He wanted some of my little goats."

Broderick says she called the man back and claims he had a heavy accent, perhaps Haitian.

"He said, ‘I've never owned goats, but my father owned goats - but he's in jail because he had sex with goats.

"That's why I called the deputy sheriff. It was probably a prankster, but you don't play with me with my goats."

Thanks alot, Craigslist. Whatever happened to fun stuff, like Cashfan?

This mystery will never be solved, because of Barack Obama's grandmother being the guilty party and extradition bullshit and all.

BONUS FUN:

Pictures of dead goats here.

I love this town.

There Is No Stopping The Goaterrorist

One yesterday.

Two today:

Two more decapitated goats were found overnight.

A pygmy goat was found at the intersection of Holmes Boulevard and Wright Parkway at a scene that matches the other seven headless goats found. A second goat was discovered on Lowrey Drive, but Director of Animal Services at PAWS, Dee Thompson, said she isn't sure she can link that find to the others.

"It's a very bloody scene," Thompson said. "The animal was extremely bloated."

Is it too much to ask to open a fucking Dave & Buster's down here?

Satanic Goaterrorist's Bloodlust Knows No Bounds

The latest in the ongoing Save Teh Goatz saga:

A Fort Walton Beach police officer found a sixth decapitated pygmy goat early Wednesday at the intersection of Holmes Boulevard and Memorial Drive.

...The six decapitated goats were killed in similar ways and five were tossed on or near city streets not far from each other. The goats were killed at another location. The beheadings were almost surgical and the carcasses were significantly lacking blood, Thompson said. At least three of the five goats found had carefully cut leaves and twigs arranged in their mouths.

Local Coach Arrested For Kid Touching

From NWF Daily News:

Fort Walton Beach High School tennis and golf coach Ray Totten was arrested Tuesday after police officers watched him attempt to destroy flash drives containing evidence of sexual encounters with a student.

...A male student at Fort Walton Beach High School told his parents he’d been sexually abused by Totten, and they took him to the Children’s Advocacy Center in Niceville on May 27, according to an arrest report. The student said Totten began molesting him in December 2007 and the abuse continued until May 25.

The teen reported the molestation was “limited to the defendant masturbating the victim” an estimated 50 times, according to Totten's arrest report. He said the acts happened at Totten’s office and the school library. Some of the molestation happened in Totten’s vehicle in the school parking lot, according to the arrest report.



The acts happened at least every third day, the victim told investigators.
According to the arrest report, police met Totten at Fort Walton Beach High School Tuesday afternoon and asked him to go to the police department with them. He was directed to an interview room and left alone. That’s when officers watching a security monitor observed him begin to destroy two white flash drives.

Between 30 and 40 images of the victim’s private area were recovered from the devices.

What's interesting is that there are several questionable pics on the official FWB HS Tennis homepage that apparently noone thought were sketchy. After sifting through the pics in the gallery section, you'll want to take a Hazmat shower.

Or four.

The internets are one twisted series of tubes.

Fort Walton Beach Throws Wizard Carpenter Under The Bus

The FWB City Council took a huge steaming dump on Jim Hartwell's What Would Jesus Zone? ordinance:

The Fort Walton Beach City Council voted Tuesday against writing an ordinance to require each city board to begin all meetings with an invocation.

“To me, freedom means freedom,” said Councilman Mike Minich, who voted against requiring prayers at meetings. “I’m not going to tell someone they have to participate in prayer. I think it’s something they should decide on their own."

The City Council voted 3-3 on the prayer ordinance. Minich, Dennis Reeves and Bill Garvie voting against it while Jim Hartwell, Wayne Pullen and Mike Holmes supported it. Mayor Mike Anderson voted against the ordinance to break the tie.


via NWF Daily News

Satanic Goaterrorist Strikes Again

brickbat, in solidifying our long proven allegience to the Save Teh Goatz project, brings you the latest in an ongoing story that involves headless goats and using rape kits on headless goats:

After more than four months, a fifth decapitated has been found.

This time, it appears as if the body and head might have been thrown from a moving vehicle. That caused the signature leaves and twigs placed in the goat’s mouth to become dislodged and partially scattered, said Dee Thompson-Poirrier, director of animal services with the Panhandle Animal Welfare Society.

The body and head of a black and white pygmy goat were discarded separately at the intersection of Memorial Parkway and Holmes Boulevard late Tuesday or early Wednesday. While it is strikingly similar to the other decapitated goats that have been found, Thompson-Poirrier said it appeared as if the head was almost surgically removed.

Investigators will send the goat off for a complete necropsy, including a toxicology screening and tests to see if the animal was sexually assaulted.

If you can track down the demonic goat fornicator, there's a $500 reeeeward in it fer ya.

via NWF Daily News

Jesus To Be Elected Chairman Of Fort Walton Beach

Wanna get elected in FWB? Then you better start loving some Baby Jeebus, because you're gonna have to pray to his tiny infant ears.

City Councilman Jim Hartwell wants an ordinance demanding:

1) City business must start with asking the famous wizard carpenter to bless and guide important city proceedings, such as zoning permits for tool sheds.

2) Once they have said wizard carpenter on conference call, everyone must stand and say the Pledge of Allegiance; thus ensuring that the terrorists will not win.

From NWF Daily News:

Like many other local government boards, the City Council opens its meetings with an invocation and the Pledge of Allegiance before taking up business.

On Tuesday, the prayer and pledge will become Fort Walton Beach’s business.

City Councilman Jim Hartwell has asked that an ordinance be considered that would require every city board or council to start their meeting with an invocation or moment of silence and the Pledge of Allegiance.

The request comes after the city’s Community Redevelopment Agency this month decided to stop saying a prayer and discussed doing away with the pledge because it offended one of its members.

“I think it’s important that we start our meetings with a prayer and I find it unbelievable that some people would be offended to say the Pledge of Allegiance,” Hartwell said. “If we take God out, we start thinking we can do it all on our own and the city will go downhill.”

...Learning the CRA board had eliminated the invocations from their meetings was a surprise to Charles Sansom Sr., an associate pastor at Family of Faith Community Church on Racetrack Road. Since learning of Tuesday’s council meeting, Sansom has contacted other pastors and residents to ask them to attend in support of Hartwell’s request.

“We live in a tremendous community. A Christian community where people work together and blend together,” Sansom said.

“We need to pray for our city,” Sansom added. “Our city has a lot of needs. One of the most powerful weapons we have against our enemies as Christians is prayer.”

The Pride of Fort Walton Beach

Local Billy Curlee represented our fair shire on the new season of America's Got Talent:

Curlee added singing to his repertoire about seven years ago. He likes to emulate Elvis Presley and Tom Jones.

“Both judges were singing with me and gave me a thumbs up,” Curlee said.

They even asked Curlee and Glasgow to shoot several interviews and a commercial for the upcoming season of the show.

“They zeroed in on us,” Glasgow said. “It was awesome.”

“I think my rendition of ‘Delilah’ is really what wooed the judges,” Curlee said.

“They said, ‘Oh my God. Where did you learn your dance moves?’ ”



Where did he learn those dance moves? My guess would be the Emerald Coast Center for Epileptic Parkinson's Studies.


via NWF Daily News