Listen To This Slut Talk About Not Engaging In Sluttery

Good Morning America! Here is Alaskan teen crackers' fav cum dumpster, Bristol Palin, rapping about the sex and how it's a bad thing to do. Even though she has sexed many many Eskimo meth manufacturers.

Bristol is now the Teen Ambassador for an organization called "Candie's Foundation" which is an online cathouse for white trash. She wants teens to stop having sex....right now!

Not to be outdone, Levi "you know you think about me in the shower" Johnston appeared on CBS this same morning to say abstinence might be cool and all (for losers), but sometimes you just can't help where you put it......even if it's in the portal to one of our universe's famed genetic junkyards:


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Just Go On Fucking Springer Already

Hunky snowbilly Levi Johnston appeared on the Tyra Banks Show to talk about the worst mistake in his life knocking up Bristol Palin. Levi, dressed as a Walmart greeter, claimed Bible Spice knew he was boning her daughter and swore he was using protection when he stuck his hose in her somewhat famous septic tank.

For your sake, Levi, we hope you did.

As expected, the Alaskan Snowcunt was enraged and fired off an angry statement from the Governors' mansion, which is a collection of interconnected trailers with a couple of igloos for turrets:

After taking about sex on The Tyra Banks Show, Johnston – the 18-year-old father of Bristol Palin's baby – was hit with a blistering response from Bristol's mother, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

"Bristol did not even know Levi was going on the show. We're disappointed that Levi and his family, in a quest for fame, attention, and fortune, are engaging in flat-out lies, gross exaggeration, and even distortion of their relationship," says the statement from the Palin family rep.

"Bristol's focus will remain on raising Tripp, completing her education, and advocating abstinence," the statement continues. "It is unfortunate that Levi finds it more appealing to exploit his previous relationship with Bristol than to contribute to the well being of the child."

The statement ends, saying, "Bristol realizes now that she made a mistake in her relationship and is the one taking responsibility for their actions."



Whatever, skank.

Anywho...about the same time Bible Spice is being all judgemental and shit, her sister-in-law, Diana Palin, was arrested for robbing some guy's house multiple times WHILE BRINGING HER 4YO DAUGHTER ALONG FOR THE FUNNERY.

Kids, these are the dangers of living in Alaska.....and meth.

From NYDN:

Citing an affidavit filed Friday, the Alaskan newspaper reported that Diana Palin (half sister to Sarah Palin's husband, Todd) was caught by the homeowner, Theodore Turcott, who was hiding in his bathroom with a gun. He found Palin going straight to a bedroom cabinet where he had kept his cash in the past.

Turcott has been robbed several times in the last few weeks. He lost $2,200 in a robbery on March 26, and nearly $400 on March 31.

Palin's four-year-old daughter, who had been waiting in a 1993 Toyota Camery during the Thursday incident, entered the house shortly before police arrived as the scene, the prosecutor stated during a hearing on Friday. The affidavit read that the girl told police she had been to the house days before with her mother. Diana Palin denied this, the Daily News said, and claimed she mistook the house for a friend's place.

According to the Daily News, Diana Palin was hit with felony burglary charges, along with misdemeanor theft and criminal trespass, regarding the March 31 and April 2 incidents.

Governor Palin and her family have declined to comment on the matter.


Further info here.

Congratulations, Gents. Bristol's Back On The Market

If you were planning on a quick stop by Cracker Barrel's gift shop, turn the car around. Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have cancelled their wedding registry and are splitting up.

Yesterday, Star Magazine reported that the two snowbillies called it quits:

The teen love affair that rocked last year's presidential race is over.
Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, has ditched her baby daddy, Levi Johnston!

Now's Levi's sister, Mercede is telling all exclusively to Star and the picture she paints of life in Wasilla, Alaska is not a pretty one. Bristol, 18, has virtually cut Levi out of the life of their two-month-old son Tripp.

"Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible. She tells him he can't take the baby to our house because she doesn't want him around 'white trash'!" Bristol won't even allow him to watch the baby for a few hours -- unless he's babysitting!

The worst part, Mercede continues, is that the former vice presidential candidate supports Bristol's treatment of Levi, 19. "I used to love Sarah," Mercede says sadly. "But I've lost lots of respect for her."


The AP has confirmed the story:

Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, the teenage daughter of Gov. Sarah Palin, have broken off their engagement, he said Wednesday, about 2 1/2 months after the couple had a baby. Johnston, 19, told The Associated Press that he and 18-year-old Bristol Palin mutually decided "a while ago" to end their relationship. He declined to elaborate as he stood outside his family's home in Wasilla, about 40 miles north of Anchorage.

He also said some details of the breakup, rumors of which had been swirling on the Internet, were inaccurate.

Bristol Palin said in a statement that she was devastated about a report on Star magazine's Web site that quoted Levi's sister, Mercede, as saying Bristol "makes it nearly impossible" to visit the teenagers' infant son, Tripp. The baby was born Dec. 27.

"Unfortunately, my family has seen many people say and do many things to `cash in' on the Palin name," said the statement, which was issued through the governor's political action committee. "Sometimes that greed clouds good judgment and the truth."


In summary: Joe the plumber is stoked that he has a shot at marrying in to the Palin clan and we're stoked we saved the receipts for the "His and Her" camo towels and that case of Natty we bought as wedding gifts.

Hank Jr. Blows WALNUTS! While Fingerbanging Bible Spice

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That Fuckin' Redneck Has Stuff To Say

Alaska's favorite enemy combatant domestic hostage first son-in-law strung a few words together for the liberal media:

Levi Johnston, who's having a baby with Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, can't believe all the things he's hearing.

No, he wasn't held against his will on the campaign trail. No, he's not being forced into a shotgun wedding with 17-year-old Bristol Palin.

"None of that's true," Johnston, 18, said in a rare interview with The Associated Press. "We both love each other. We both want to marry each other. And that's what we are going to do."

...The soft-spoken teenager discussed his relationship with Palin and how life has changed with fatherhood fast approaching. He agreed to talk despite the presidential campaign's advice in the days following Gov. Sarah Palin's nomination to avoid the media.

"They're not telling me anything right now," Johnston said as he checked his Blackberry. "It's pretty chill."

Not surprisingly, Johnston was a little shocked when he learned about Bristol's pregnancy, but he says he quickly embraced the prospects of fatherhood. The baby is due Dec. 18. Johnston has dropped out of high school to take a job on the North Slope oil fields as an apprentice electrician.

...Johnston hinted he's expecting a boy, but he declined to discuss baby names.

"I'm looking forward to having him," he said. "I'm going to take him hunting and fishing. He'll be everywhere with me."

Johnston, a Wasilla heartthrob, said he wanted to set the record straight.

For starters, he said his much-maligned MySpace page was a joke _ the one that claimed he said: "I'm a ... redneck," and "I don't want kids." Johnston said his friends created the page a few years ago and he had nothing to do with it.

Johnston said he has dated Palin since his freshman year in high school.

"We were planning on getting married a long time ago with or without the kid," he said. "That was the plan from the start."

...The young man said he wasn't an expert on politics by any stretch. Asked about Barack Obama, he replied: "I don't know anything about him. He seems like a good guy. I like him."

Johnston didn't register in time to vote, according to the Mat-Su Division of Elections Office in Wasilla. But he's still rooting for John McCain and Sarah Palin.

"I just hope she wins," he said. "She's my future mother-in-law. She better win."

Veep Debate Wrapup

Last night was way better than last week's Obama/McCain snoozefest. Joe Biden was calm and collected as he raped Sarah Palin with words, but was kind enough to pay for the rape kit afterwards. Palin stuck to the talking points she was given at McCain's POW camp in Arizona, because she was not allowed out of the bamboo cage until she did.

Right off the bat, the endangered Alaskan Snowcunt admitted she is way unqualified and reinforced the fact that she's been doing this thing for like 5 minutes:



Oh, they talked about those subprime mortgages that black people bought with 5 magic crack beans, but Palin was all "Darn right, it was the banks, doggonnit, heck, golly, GIT-ER-DONE!!!:



Biden and Obama love the gays and go to orgies in San Fran like every other week, schedule permitting. Palin would like to hunt down gays from a helicopter...but she will allow their partners to visit while she skins and guts them:



This is just fun because she pronounces the word nuclear "nucular", like some other unqualified folksy monstertard I seem to remember:



Sarah Palin is asked if she even knows what a Vice President is or does or how to spell those words. After making an awkward joke about how Biden sucks at joke-telling (no shit) she says she will use the office of Veep to take over the world with Jesus as her co-pilot and steal everyone's healthcare and condoms.





And now for the closing statements...

Palin: "Maverick. The Medias will give us AIDS. Maverick. Jesus is AWESOME. Reformer. Maverick. Ronald Reagan's Maverick Freedom AIDS in our bloodstream. Maverick. Snarf."

Biden: "It was nice to meet you lady but, um, you and that elderly gent you spoon applesauce to every afternoon are pretty fucking dangerous and scare the hell out of me and America THE END."



You can view the full debate here.

BREAKING NEWS: Rednecks With Guns Do Not Support Obama

Read This One Too

Yikes.

Meet The Guy Who Will Actually Fess Up To Making Another Palin Baby

His name is Levi Johnston and he's the whoremonger who knocked up Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, for the second time.

The NY Post has an excerpt from his Myspace page:

On his MySpace page, Johnston boasts, "I'm a f - - -in' redneck" who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes.

"But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some s- - - and just f - - -in' chillin' I guess."

"Ya f - - - with me I'll kick [your] ass," he added.

He also claims to be "in a relationship," but states, "I don't want kids."

In case you where wondering, he will attend the convention, get loaded and sodomize the Bush twins with moose antlers in the VIP box.

Oh Good Lord, It's Fred Thompson

Here is failed actor/nominee Fred "Big Al" Fred Thompson telling us about John McCain and that redneck lady with all the pregnant kids and pregnant grandfetuses that are probably hers as well.

Fred rambles in the beginning about Sarah Palin being a moose raper and how mean the media is to her. Then he goes into this long depressing speech about WALNUTS! being tortured.

Oh, by the way.......DID YOU KNOW JOHN MCCAIN WAS TORTURED?!?!?!?!

In Case You Were Wondering

The official GOP Convention store is selling Zubaz pants.

Under the "CivicFest" catagory, you'll find this timeless piece of fashion with the description:

The original Zubaz pants. A Minnesota company that we are proud of! Made in the USA. Zebra printed. Available in red, royal, and navy.

Today's Hilltard Video

This one pretty much takes the cake. The triumvirate of redneck, racism, and a webcam makes this retardery one of the greatest Hilltard videos of our time.

via some cousin-fucker's meth lab


UPDATE: Bonus video fun here.

Funniest Billboard Since "Never Shake A Baby"

You'd think that the above billboard was paid for by the 9udy '08 campaign. Actually, the man behind the sign is just some redneck named Mike Meehan:

There are billboards up and down busy Orange Blossom Trail, but this at John Young Parkway (see map) one sticks out.

"Just looking at it, I'm not thinking about Democrat or Republican, I'm thinking about the twin towers and all the people killed," resident Mary Anderson told Eyewitness News.

The ad went up last week and is causing quite a reaction.

"Why use the twin towers for that purpose?" Anderson questioned.

The man behind the billboard is Mike Meehan, a St. Cloud businessman and musician. His website advertises a CD and music video titled "The Republican Song," with the chorus, "Don't vote for a Democrat." He's selling CDs for $5.

"This is a blatant exploitation of that terrible tragedy for political and, perhaps even worse, personal gain," said Bill Robinson, Orange County Democratic Party Chair.

And yes, we have the song. Enjoy: