President Unicorn Delivers Eloquent Faux-SOTU Address

President Obama offered a grim portrait of America's plight in an address to a joint session of Congress last night, but he promised to lead an economic renewal that would lift the country out of its current crisis without bankrupting its future.

Striking an optimistic tone that has been absent from his speeches in recent weeks, the president said his stimulus plan, bank bailout proposal, housing programs and health-care overhaul would work in concert to turn around the nation's struggling economy. And while he bluntly described a country beset by historic economic challenges and continued threats abroad, he said the solution lies in directly confronting -- not ignoring -- those problems.

"The weight of this crisis will not determine the destiny of this nation," he said. "The answers to our problems don't lie beyond our reach. They exist in our laboratories and universities, in our fields and our factories, in the imaginations of our entrepreneurs and the pride of the hardest-working people on Earth."

In an address that largely shunned foreign policy to focus on the economy, Obama added: "Now is the time to jump-start job creation, restart lending, and invest in areas like energy, health care and education that will grow our economy, even as we make hard choices to bring our deficit down."

The 52-minute speech was greeted with sustained applause in the House chamber, which he had helped populate with more members of his party. Republican and Democratic lawmakers alike rose repeatedly to offer their approval of the president's rhetoric and his promise of recovery.

via WaPo

Checkin' In With Chuck

Famous Republican bouncer and homosexual mutilation fetishist Chuck Norris has written yet another masterpiece for the Mexican webpamphlet WorldNetDaily:

An old Spanish proverb says, "An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy." I believe that value will hold, in or out of a recession. And being that my 87-year-old mother lived through the Great Depression, I think her value (and those like her) will actually increase through these tough economic times, because their insider wisdom can help us all.

Like in the 1930s, many today are counting on government to be the savior, but thus far all that's resulting from bailouts is a ballooning repayment schedule – just like back then. Fox News recently highlighted that the total federal outlays in 1929 were $3.1 billion (less than 3 percent of GDP). By 1940, they tripled to $9.5 billion (10 percent of GDP). Worse still, the total federal debt mushroomed fom $17 billion in 1929 (16 percent of GDP) to $43 billion in 1940 (44 percent of GDP). And yet, unemployment remained at 15 percent.


Snoozer, right?

Wrong.

Read a little further and find out why we really are a nation of whiners. Have you ever wiped your ass with a magazine in an outhouse? Better yet, have you ever seen one of these outhouses? Didn't think so, liberal fags:

Like with most, Mother's family didn't have running water or electricity. And Granny Scarberry did her best to keep the outhouse clean, with Grandpa helping through his regular deposits of lye to control the odors. (You can imagine how the hot, humid Oklahoma summers turned that outside commode into one small-closet-sized smelly sauna.) A "scavenger wagon" would come by once a week and clean out the hole. It had a small chair-like contraption over it with the hole punched out of the center. (They once had a two-seater in there, which allowed for two people to enjoy one another's company and conversation – mom told me that she always felt a little upper class when she sat with someone else.) By the way, and I'm not trying to be crude, toilet tissue wasn't around, so they used a Montgomery Ward catalogue. (And you wondered why the catalog was so thick?) No joke – they preferred the non-glossy pages. I'll let you figure out why.

Got the picture?


Yes. Chuck Norris' mother hates Capitalism™.

The rest of the article includes healthy tips from Mother on how to make the best of being a hobo the end.

The Recession