Conservative Hobbit GOP's New Hope™

The NY Times has profiled Jonathan Krohn, the scary tween who gave a rousing speech at CPAC to a room full of drooling pedos and deep-fried Twinkie enthusiasts.

Krohn is your average home-schooled kid from Georgia who learns Latin from a Christian school on Fridays and studies Arabic with a tutor:

SITTING in the back seat of his mother’s van as she drives through Atlanta suburbs, Jonathan Krohn is about to sign off with a conservative radio talk show host in Florida. In the 40 minutes he’s been on the air, with the help of his mother’s cellphone, this hyper-articulate Georgia eighth grader has attacked the stimulus bill, identified leaders he thinks will salvage the Republican Party’s image, and assessed the legitimacy of Barack Obama’s birth certificate.

The show’s host chuckles and asks whether President Obama has called Jonathan “a little fascist.”

“The president hasn’t come after me yet,” Jonathan says chummily, “but we’ve had other people come after me!”

“Jonathan!” his mother hisses from the driver’s seat.


Guess mom is still touchy after screening phone calls from Mark Foley.

Even Bill Bennett has a not-so-secret crush on Krohn:

Jonathan would wake up at 6 a.m. to listen to Bill Bennett’s “Morning in America” show and became riveted by politics and American history. Soon, Mr. Bennett, whom Jonathan now describes as, “my mentor and very good friend,” was taking Jonathan’s calls.

“Jonathan was an extraordinary boy, very special,” Mr. Bennett said, in a phone interview. “He wowed my audience, he wowed me. He’s very engaging and learned. He’s got staying power.”


Gross.

This species of hobbit is more complicated than you'd imagine. For one, he is an anti-semitic Jew:

...He received a computer from his maternal grandfather for his 13th birthday. “In the Jewish culture in which my mom was raised, 13 is a big deal,” he said. “But since I’m a Jewish Christian, I don’t do a bar mitzvah.” (Decades ago, his mother became a Baptist.)


Shame on you, Mr. Krohn.

And shame on you, Rush and Michael Steele, for allowing this kid to appear more relevant than both of you, the Mexican Child King, and Bible Spice combined.

President Unicorn will handily win all 50 states in 2012.

Last Lambo Boyfriend Update...Maybe/Possibly/Probably Not

Myspace Glitter Graphics






Access Hollywood is reporting that Adam Lambert claims he is single:

Fortunately for him, Adam Lambert is not one to back down from a controversy.

The “American Idol” finalist handily addressed the recent photo scandal where votefortheworst.com posted pictures of him dressed in drag and kissing another man.

“You know what, I have nothing to hide. I am who I am. And this is about singing… nothing else,” Adam told Accesshollywood.com’s Laura “Dish of Salt” Saltman at last night’s Top 13 party.

For the record, Adam said he is currently single. When he spoke with Access last week, the photos had not yet surfaced and Adam admitted he had been Google-ing himself while competing on the show to see what people were saying about him.

“That came back to bite me, didn’t it,” he joked.

And yes, he did Google himself when he heard about the photos.

“When my parents, family and friends told me too, I did. I live here in Hollywood, you know. All about free expression. It’s all in the name of art,” he added.

The photos in question were taken at the “Burning Man” arts festival held in the California desert each summer.


Geno's World, who claims to be in contact with associates of Cheeks/Brad Bell, begs to differ:

Geno's World has an exclusive response to an Access Hollywood report from 1 hour ago. Adam had talked to AH about his kissing photos that hit the web of him and "Cheeks". The report says Adam is currently single.....NOT SO says a close associate of "Cheeks". "Oh no, they still see each other. They're still together!".....Stay tuned

Just Stop With The Gifts Already

Seriously.

You'd figure that after DVD Gate, US officials would wise up and save a fucking buck or two. We're in a recession, you know.

Friday, SOS Cankles McGee met with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov in Geneva, bringing along a present. Inside was a red button (are we the only ones who see something terribly macabre about this?) with a very special message printed on it. Things went downhill from there:

When it comes to Russia, the Obama administration has been talking about “pressing the reset button.” It’s meant to symbolize a possible new start in U.S./Russian relations, which “crashed” after Russia invaded Georgia last August.

So when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton greeted Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov in Geneva Friday before sitting down to their working dinner, she was all smiles when she presented him a small green box with a ribbon.

Lavrov opened it and, inside, there was a red button with the Russian word “peregruzka” printed on it.

"I would like to present you with a little gift that represents what President Obama and Vice President Biden and I have been saying and that is: 'We want to reset our relationship, and so we will do it together.' …

"We worked hard to get the right Russian word. Do you think we got it?" she asked Lavrov, laughing.

“You got it wrong," said Lavrov, as both diplomats laughed.

“It should be “perezagruzka” [the Russian word for reset]," said Lavrov."This says ‘peregruzka,’ which means ‘overcharged.’”


We recommend that our goverment just stop handing out gifts all together. If you really feel compelled to hand out stupid shit to any Joe Blow with an accent, try fruit cake. Or a Snuggie. Or booze.

No One Wants To Play Doctor With America

That's right. No universal health care and no sexy surgeon general for you.

CNN's Dr. Sanjay Gupta officially withdrew his name for the post Thursday, citing family reasons or some other shit that's just an excuse for not wanting to make less money:

This is more about my family and my surgical career," Gupta told CNN's "Larry King Live."

The neurosurgeon said he would likely have had to give up practicing had he taken the job as the nation's top doctor.

In addition, the 39-year-old and his wife are expecting their third daughter any time, and the government job would have meant long periods away from his family, he said.

"I think, for me, it really came down to a sense of timing more than anything else," he said. "I just didn't feel I should do that now."


Further, it seems that Vermont anger bear Howard Dean has no interest in the post either:

The news that Sanjay Gupta has decided not to go for the gig of surgeon general has already fired up supporters of Howard Dean, who are now touting him for the post.

But a close Dean ally familiar with his thinking tells me that it’s not really a gig that would work for him. “It’s not a good fit for him,” this ally tells me.

A few months back there was a round of chatter about Dean getting tapped as surgeon general, but at the time Dean aides shot down the speculation. “Even then we didn’t think it was right for him,” the Dean ally says.


Basically, the only candidates left are Dr. Nick and that guy who fertilized the freak in California with her own mini-cult.

Enjoy your diseases and lack of condoms, America!

President Obama To Teabag Queen Elizabeth In April

Oh good Lord Xenu fuck. The British are so testy these days.

The Telegraph's Iain Martin has his bloomers in a knot over President Unicorn giving UK PM Gordon Brown DVDs as a gift, when Brown gave Obama a stupid pen and some dusty old books in return.

BREAKING NEWS, IAIN: Black people are horrible tippers. It should come as no surprise that they are horrible gift givers as well.

Martin latches on to this crime to humanity by scoffing at the notion that the DVD's will even play in British players:

This is quite a serious question. I have a vision of the Browns, Gordon and Sarah, settling down at the PM's country retreat (Chequers) this weekend. The children have been put to bed and Mr Brown heads in the direction of the DVD player:

GB: "The Obamas bought us some films on DVD. That was very thoughtful."

SB: "Not that thoughtful..."

GB: "What shall we watch? ET? Star Wars? Psycho, Casablanca, Lawrence of Arabia?

SB: sighs... "Seen them all."

GB: "I'll try The Wizard of Oz, it's the version in which all the colours have been restored to the original quality. We can stop and try something else if you don't like it. Where's the remote control?" (GB fiddles with the DVD player for several minutes) "Right, I think it's going to start." (Nothing happens, machine displays a notice saying 'disc loading error').

SB: (examining DVD cover) "They're Region 1, they won't play in the UK."

The Browns sit in complete silence for several more minutes reflecting on what this means.

Let's hope that somebody in the White House was aware of the difference between the formats and acted accordingly when ordering the DVDs. I have asked Number 10 to clarify and will post an update when they respond.


Earlier, Martin pondered on whether Barack was worthy of an invite The Queen sent his way for a spot of tea:

President Obama has been rudeness personified towards Britain this week. His handling of the visit of the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, to Washington was appalling. First Brown wasn't granted a press conference with flags, then one was hastily arranged in the Oval office after the Brits had to beg. Obama looked like he would rather have been anywhere else than welcoming the British leader to his office and topped it all with his choice of present (*) for the PM. A box of 25 DVDS including ET, the Wizard of Oz and Star Wars? Oh, give me strength. We do have television and DVD stores on this side of the Atlantic. Even Gordon Brown will have seen those films too often already.

This was coupled with Michelle Obama's casual choice of gifts for the Brown sons - matching models of the helicopter which ferry her husband around. While Sarah Brown had spent time choosing gifts for the Obama girls, Michelle had clearly sent an aide to the White House gift shop at the last moment.

All in all, he doesn't think much of us, as I explained in my post here earlier this week.

But what's this? Something, suddenly, seems to have made the Obama White House perk up and start to take an interest in the Brits. The Queen has invited the President to tea when he's here for the G20 in April. And he's in through the front door of Buckingham Palace faster than a Harley Davidson roaring along Route 66.

Note how the coolness of Team Obama disappears when a bit of regal glamour is introduced into the equation. He might not like the Brits, but he can recognise a global superstar when he encounters one. He wants to be associated with her. He's shameless.


Fellow Telegraph douchebag James Delingpole blames this all on the First Lady and her Princeton Koran hate thesis:

Iain Martin is quite right here: no matter how utterly rubbish we have become as a nation in the Blair/Brown years, Britain's friendship is something Obama will come to regret having dispensed with so lightly. This was not the act of a global statesman, but of a hormonal teenager dismissing her bestest of best BFs for no other reason than that she felt like it and she can, so there.

What was the guy thinking? In researching my new book Welcome to Obamaland, I discovered that Obama's judgment is pretty dreadful - but this? My favourite theory so far - suggested by presenter Greg Garrison - was that it was a move calculated to please his Lady Macbeth. At the moment in Britain, we're still in the "Doesn't she look fabulous in a designer frock" stage of understanding of Michelle Obama. Gradually, though, we'll begin to realise that she is every bit the terrifying executive's wife that Hillary Clinton was. Or, shudder, Cherie Blair.

We may just LURVE Michelle's fashion sense. But Michelle doesn't reciprocate our affection, one bit. Her broad-brush view of history associates Brits with the wicked white global hegemony responsible for the slave trade. Never mind that a white, Tory Englishman - William Wilberforce - brought the slave trade to an end. Judging by her record, Michelle does not make room for such subtle nuance.

Consider her notorious statement that: "For the first time in my adult life I am really proud of my country." Consider her (till-recently suppressed) Princeton thesis, "Princeton Educated Blacks And The Black Community."

In it she writes: "I have found that at Princeton, no matter how liberal and open-minded some of my white professors and classmates try to be toward me, I sometimes feel like a visitor on campus; as if I really don't belong. Regardless of the circumstances underwhich I interact with whites at Princeton, it often seems as if, to them, I will always be black first and a student second."

..."As I enter my final year at Princeton," she writes. "I find myself striving for many of the same goals as my White classmates - acceptance to a prestigious graduate or professional school or a high paying position in a successful corporation. Thus, my goals at Princeton are not as clear as before."

"Yes, exactly, you silly girl" you want to shriek at young Michelle as you give her a good shake. "It's called 'opening your mind', 'broadening your experience', 'allowing youthful dogma to be shaped by reality.' It's why people go to university, don't you know?"


In summary...suck it, England.

Adam Lambert Secrets Revealed!!!

Known emohomosexual deviant Adam Lambert's sin against nature is getting a lot of attention these days. Since we really dig the kid, we're jumping on the bandwagon.

The Inquisitr dug up the above video of Lambo Cockrissian getting felt up by a coven of writhing sodomists, along with another video of him dry humping male negro dancer.


Further, Geno's World claims that the man Lambo is swapping spit and gay with in the photos posted yesterday is a performance artist named Cheeks, also known as Brad Bell:




Adam Lambert has made it to the final 12 of this year's "American Idol". The guy has got tremendous talent and will go far. Pictures of Adam kissing another man have recently surfaced all over the web. The question remained.....who is the mysterious man? Well the man is............ Brad Bell aka "Cheeks" a music star in his own right! Geno's World has been in contact with Brad's people and is hoping for an interview soon. One of Brad's people told me that "Brad doesn't want to mess with Adam's chances in Idol. His main concern right now is to support Adam and give him his 100% support and love!"

Either way, we fully endorse Adam as the next American Idol and hope he stomps the shit out of the blind guy who's faking it and the guy that made up the story about his wife dying.

More pics of Lambo's possible bf here, along with some surprisingly good music and funny videos.

No Surprises Here

Idol contestant Adam Lambert made it to the final 12 last week, but pictures that have recently surfaced may test the majority of America's tolerance towards teh buttseks.

From Tabloid Prodigy:

Big surprise everyone: American Idol’s makeup loving, fingernail polished pretty boy, Ryan Seacrest Adam Lambert, is a big homosexual. Or as Simon would say, he’s theatrical.
And he’s got awesome gay friends who've released scantily clad, fagalicious photos of him wearing makeup and flamboyant clothes. True, he looks like a club kid fag all the time on Idol. But in these photos, you can see him swapping spit bubbles with his fellow skinny, twinky boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis.

Check out his gallery of regretable gayness at Dudetube.

Missouri Lawmakers Sign Bill To Fight Mooslim Tyranny

Some Republicans got together and decided that, in these trying economic times, Issue #1 should be outing our Half-Breed Muslin President for the Illuminati Caliph Devil he is. What would be the best way to do that? Amend the state constitution:

Fifteen Republican members of the Missouri General Assembly have signed on to a state constitutional amendment that appears aimed at advancing the claims of the fringe movement that doubts President Barack Obama's eligibility to serve as president.

The language is contained in a proposed "voter’s bill of rights," which would serve "as a defense against corruption, fraud, and tyranny."

The proposed amendment states:

"For candidates who are required by the Constitution of the United States to be natural born citizens, the secretary of state shall request an official copy of the candidate’s birth certificate. Other certifications, such as a certificate of live birth, shall not be accepted. Should any candidate fail to provide an official birth certificate within thirty days of the request by the secretary of state, his or her name shall not be placed on the ballot."

The Birthers, as they're known, have focused on the State of Hawaii's refusal to release the original of Obama's birth certificate, as opposed to official copies; Hawaii state law bars the release of the original.

Today's Godtube/tangle Moment

Today's Paultard Video

RONPAULZWUNTHURDPLASELOLZ!!!!

Time for celebration by heavy mouth breathing and stuttering over your own prepared remarks.

via the Youtubes


PS: Even anti-pork "Washington outsiders" get their earmarks:

Rep. Ron Paul vehemently denounced the $410 billion catch-all spending bill approved last week by the House of Representatives.

But although the libertarian-leaning Republican from Lake Jackson cast a vote against the massive spending measure, his fingerprints were on some of the earmarks that helped inflate its cost.

Paul played a role in obtaining 22 earmarks worth $96.1 million, which led the Houston congressional delegation, according to a Houston Chronicle analysis of more than 8,500 congressionally mandated projects inserted into the bill. His earmarks included repair projects to the Galveston Seawall damaged by Hurricane Ike and the Gulf Intracoastal Waterway.

Mittens Wins GOP Black Panther Straw Poll

Hoorayz!!! Mitt Romney has been crowned Grand Dragon of Michael Steele's conservative hip-hop movement at CPAC's drunken Carnival, also known as the Players Ball.

Mittens garnered 20 percent of the vote, edging out Mexican Child King Bobby Jindal, who pulled in 14 percent...because he is brown.

As if this weren't funny enough, Sarah Palin tied for third place with Ron Paul.

We repeat: Sarah Palin tied for third with RON PAUL.

LONG LIVE BLIMPS AND HOBBITS!!!

via Politico

James Dobson Resigns

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After reading, it really makes one wonder what evil asshat is waiting in the wings to take over:

James Dobson, who stepped down as president and CEO of the Colorado Springs-based anti-gay group Focus on the Family six years ago, has resigned as chairman, the AP reports:

"Dobson notified the board of his decision Wednesday, and the 950 employees of the Colorado Springs, Colo.-based ministry were informed Friday morning at a monthly worship service, said Jim Daly, the group's president and chief executive officer. Dobson, 72, will continue to host Focus on the Family's flagship radio program, write a monthly newsletter and speak out on moral issues, Daly said. Dobson's resignation as board chairman 'lessens his administrative burden' and is the latest step in a succession plan, the group said."

Said Dobson: "One of the common errors of founder-presidents is to hold to the reins of leadership too long, thereby preventing the next generation from being prepared for executive authority, though letting go is difficult after three decades of intensive labor, it is the wise thing to do."

GLAAD President Neil Giuliano released a statement in response to the news: "For more than 20 years, James Dobson has used his expansive, well-funded media platform to promote defamatory and false information about the lives of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. As Dobson resigns from his role as chairman, it is important to remember his history of false and defamatory claims about our community. GLAAD urges the media to not allow Dobson to turn today's news into yet another media platform for him to advance his intolerant divisive attacks on gay and lesbian Americans and their families."


via Towleroad

Someone Send This Fucktard To CPAC's Green Room

From Fey:

It's funny that Tyra Banks seems to think the concept of gay self-hatred is somehow shocking, fresh ground to cover, but in a "everything old is new again" way she's kind of right. This "I Hate Being Gay" episode of her show is the best, loliest thing I've seen since Bobby Jindal's response to Obama's address last night.

Even though we have similar feelings about the ickiness of both male and female anatomy and even though we both think our genitals are prettier than anybody else's (cuz of their, you know, "beautiful shape?") and even though we share a desire to be straight and lead heteronormative lives with ladies and houses and pets--although I had to get an extension on my previous "straight by 30" deadline--there is still something I don't like about this Shane character.

I think it's the hair.

Why Are We Not At CPAC?

Holy shit. This shindig looks like the greatest clusterfuck of all time.

Conservatives Republicans well-connected affluent kid touchers are holding their annual meet and greet, and, honey, did it deliver.

Besides Grover Norquist's Future-Douchebags-Of-'Murica Rainbow Party 2009™, Mittens showed up and used his plus one invite to bring along his ego/shattered ambitions:



Bobby Jindal a young Republican padawan named Jonathan Krohn showed up to talk about Conservatism for the few moments leading up to his GOP hazing, which included the use of chloroform and a giant rubber fist:



Subway Dude was there and got in a few shots at Chris Matthews (easy target) and MSNBC:

First it started with the news media (enemy number one in the conservative crowd), including his cable news competitor, MSNBC, and its host Chris Matthews

"Other news outlets have gotten religion recently," said the now-Fox News host. There is the "Oh God channel", he added, "after Chris Matthews finally realized that there was a God and called him out before Bobby Jindal's speech."

Later he went on to call Matthews station "MSBS." The rest of the media wasn't spared. Nor were members of Congress and the administration. Huckabee called Newsweek Magazine, "ObamaWeek," for its favorable covers and coverage of the president, referred to Obama's treasury secretary as "Turbo Tax Geithner," for his failure to pay portions of his income tax. Reflecting later on his long-held belief that the IRS should be abolished, Huckabee concluded that, if it came true: "We would no longer have a tax cheat running the IRS."

Also, Tucker Carlson was booed and a bunch of "Family Values" voters want to get in on the hot gay sex action.

brickbat is considering actually registering with it's first political party just to attend CPAC 2010. It would sooooooooooooooooo be worth it.

Young Republicans Gather For Drunken Night Of Sodomy

Famed hipster Grover Norquist organized a sock hop at a D.C. pub for young conservatives, presumably as a ruse to set up a hot night of hookups for his more senior pals.

The wild bacchanal included Dave Matthews music, FOX News on the teevees, and $5 drinks named after some old shitty actor who invented crack and AIDS:

It's early February, and the happy hour at the Union Pub on Capitol Hill is jammed with an unlikely slice of young Washington strivers: conservatives, libertarians, free-market/small-government types, anyone right of center. People, in other words, in their 20s or early 30s who actually groan at the label Generation Obama.

Organized by an employee at the Grover Norquist-led Americans for Tax Reform, the party in the pub's back barroom seems naturally suited for this group: Fox News is playing alongside the Dave Matthews tracks. One drink special, $5 for a down-on-the-heels set, seems almost too perfect a nostalgic prop: "The Gipper," concocted with bourbon.


WaPo interviewed various GOP twinks and they had interesting things to say. Take this from Spencer Barrs, in "intern":

"My best friend called and asked who I voted for and I told him I wasn't voting for Obama," Barrs says. "And then he told me, 'I just think you hate black people.' It was a shot to the gut. You feel like you're surrounded on all corners."

His friend John O'Keefe, 23, another conservative think-tank intern who might be out of a job after his internship ends in May, dismisses his liberal contemporaries. "The only thing they have are blogs. They feel like gods of our generation," he says, before ruminating on a very Washington cure-all. "I'm hoping that people get [angry] at Obama and start forming political action committees."


The best byte comes from Dustin Siggins, whom WaPo pretty much outs as a flaming mo:

At the Union Pub, Dustin Siggins, 24, says he sometimes uses humor to deflect the awkwardness of being on the margins of his generation. "I met a girl today at the gym from Boston College. She was getting a law degree from George Washington. She was cute," he says. "But she wants to work for the ACLU, and I said, 'Oh, you're one of those.' "

Later, in a phone interview, Siggins says he struggles with some of his party's more culturally orthodox ideals. "Because I am in this generation and was raised in a pro-gay-marriage era, I am only a little bit against gay marriage, but only a little, like 53 percent to 47," he says. "I have about a dozen gay friends, 30 or 20, and they would all back me up. In college, I used to have lunch with them. . . . We went ice skating once."

via WaPo

Morning (News) Dump

Obama hottie speechwriter Jon Favreau was thrown under the bus by the NY Times. The bright side is that you can now call his cell and hear the hypnotic melody that is his voicemail.

Canadian fighters intercepted a Russian bomber while President Unicorn was visiting the country. Canada has fighter jets...you learn something new every day.

U.S. set to shoot down any large sparklers North Korea launches.

With W out and BO in, Michele Bachmann has developed a terminal case of jungle fever.

Justice Dept. transforms in to Woodstock within a month of transition.

Republicans better not say shit about any cute nicknames Dems come up with in 2011.

Mittens robbed again...this time of jewelry.

W and Laura are officially hobos.

President Unicorn Delivers Eloquent Faux-SOTU Address

President Obama offered a grim portrait of America's plight in an address to a joint session of Congress last night, but he promised to lead an economic renewal that would lift the country out of its current crisis without bankrupting its future.

Striking an optimistic tone that has been absent from his speeches in recent weeks, the president said his stimulus plan, bank bailout proposal, housing programs and health-care overhaul would work in concert to turn around the nation's struggling economy. And while he bluntly described a country beset by historic economic challenges and continued threats abroad, he said the solution lies in directly confronting -- not ignoring -- those problems.

"The weight of this crisis will not determine the destiny of this nation," he said. "The answers to our problems don't lie beyond our reach. They exist in our laboratories and universities, in our fields and our factories, in the imaginations of our entrepreneurs and the pride of the hardest-working people on Earth."

In an address that largely shunned foreign policy to focus on the economy, Obama added: "Now is the time to jump-start job creation, restart lending, and invest in areas like energy, health care and education that will grow our economy, even as we make hard choices to bring our deficit down."

The 52-minute speech was greeted with sustained applause in the House chamber, which he had helped populate with more members of his party. Republican and Democratic lawmakers alike rose repeatedly to offer their approval of the president's rhetoric and his promise of recovery.

via WaPo

Why You Should Avoid People With The Last Name "Brown"

Tabloid Prodigy lists the top 10 celebs surnamed Brown you should avoid......besides Chris:

8. Sylvia Browne
Who: World famous psychic and smoker

Why you should stay the fuck away: Best friends with Montell Williams

Offenses: Shady business practices led to 21 days in jail, and has long been the target of skeptics who claim that the psychic is a fraud.

Bobby Jindal To Deliver SOTU Response...In Tongues

Tonight, President Unicorn will be accompanied on the airwaves by fellow Mooslim and known date rapist Piyush "Bobby" Jindal:

Jindal, the 37-year-old governor of Louisiana and the Republican party's new hope, needs to demonstrate confidence and competence - and show a little sparkle - to boost his hopes of being chosen to take on Obama in 2012.

...Being chosen by the Republicans to respond to Obama gives Jindal a significant leg-up over his rivals, offering millions of viewers their first opportunity to see Jindal, who is conservative on both social and economic policy. The high-profile slot in the past has boosted careers but also destroyed them.


So, good luck, our fair Mexican Child King. Fuck this up, and the GOP is stuck with Bible Spice.

Today's Godtube/tangle Moment

From the description:

This is that night! My neighbor is such a blessing, and she has ministered to us, prayed for us and encouraged us over and over. I love her deeply. She has been praying intensely for a brother who has been ensnared and when she went to sleep she was awoken with a song. Though she had never sung to anyone before she humbled herself and came and shared with us.

Checkin' In With Chuck

Famous Republican bouncer and homosexual mutilation fetishist Chuck Norris has written yet another masterpiece for the Mexican webpamphlet WorldNetDaily:

An old Spanish proverb says, "An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy." I believe that value will hold, in or out of a recession. And being that my 87-year-old mother lived through the Great Depression, I think her value (and those like her) will actually increase through these tough economic times, because their insider wisdom can help us all.

Like in the 1930s, many today are counting on government to be the savior, but thus far all that's resulting from bailouts is a ballooning repayment schedule – just like back then. Fox News recently highlighted that the total federal outlays in 1929 were $3.1 billion (less than 3 percent of GDP). By 1940, they tripled to $9.5 billion (10 percent of GDP). Worse still, the total federal debt mushroomed fom $17 billion in 1929 (16 percent of GDP) to $43 billion in 1940 (44 percent of GDP). And yet, unemployment remained at 15 percent.


Snoozer, right?

Wrong.

Read a little further and find out why we really are a nation of whiners. Have you ever wiped your ass with a magazine in an outhouse? Better yet, have you ever seen one of these outhouses? Didn't think so, liberal fags:

Like with most, Mother's family didn't have running water or electricity. And Granny Scarberry did her best to keep the outhouse clean, with Grandpa helping through his regular deposits of lye to control the odors. (You can imagine how the hot, humid Oklahoma summers turned that outside commode into one small-closet-sized smelly sauna.) A "scavenger wagon" would come by once a week and clean out the hole. It had a small chair-like contraption over it with the hole punched out of the center. (They once had a two-seater in there, which allowed for two people to enjoy one another's company and conversation – mom told me that she always felt a little upper class when she sat with someone else.) By the way, and I'm not trying to be crude, toilet tissue wasn't around, so they used a Montgomery Ward catalogue. (And you wondered why the catalog was so thick?) No joke – they preferred the non-glossy pages. I'll let you figure out why.

Got the picture?


Yes. Chuck Norris' mother hates Capitalism™.

The rest of the article includes healthy tips from Mother on how to make the best of being a hobo the end.

What We Liked About The Oscars

Combine making fun of Scientology with a heartfelt acceptance speech by Dustin Lance Black and you have the point of the Oscars where it was okay to stop watching it.

What was kinda cool? Sean Penn winning for Best Male.

What wasn't cool? Sean Penn's smugness accepting the award on his behalf.


UPDATE:

Fey reax to DLB's win:

Aww! That was the biggest "Yeah right" moment of the entire ceremony! That you were thinking about gay marriage back in 1987 smells like some seriously convenient post-Prop 8 retcon to me! And at 13? When I was 13 my only gay hope was that one day I'd get to suck on a man's fat chode and then maybe even one day get my fat chode sucked. But to be fair at 13 I wasn't half as pretty as DLB undoubtedly was, so maybe he'd already had that particular dream fulfilled.

I love how it is always the prettiest gay sluts, the ones whose only LTR was the one they had with their gym coach way back in their early teens, who are the most sanctimonious about gay marriage!*

The Argument For A New Poet Laureate

Patton Oswalt for Poet Laureate - watch more funny videos

For No Reason

Ann Coulter's Chris Matthews/BO Sex Fantasy

Money about 7:30 in.