The Only Piece On Lambo Cockrissian You Need To Read

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So.....

We were really gonna let this whole Lambo thing go. He lost, yet yll over the intertubes you can read and view statements of his coyness (is that word?) about his involvement in the acts of buttfuckery.

Yet, Richard at Gawker has summed up our feelings. So here it is:



You know what, Adam Lambert? Just can it with the coy shit. Everyone knows the American Idol second-placer is a big ol' homo from Fruitington Corners, but in every goddamn interview the lurching behemoth always says things like "keep speculating..." And I wish he'd just man up and step out.

Not that people should be forced to come out of the closet, but fool keeps calling himself a role model, and then won't acknowledge the fact that he's the gayest thing since Jody Watley got lost in the Tenderloin that one time. You can't really call yourself a role model, I don't think in this post-Prop 8 bullshit era of codified homophobia, while completely playing "tee heeeeee" with the press about something as fundamental and unchangeable as who you like to put your junk into. Is it anyone's business? Of course it's not. But would it be nice, just for fucking once, for a clearly gay, currently popular (and that's fleeting, Mary. Don't think it isn't. You're gonna be whistling the national anthem at state fairs come this time next year) to step up to the plate and say "You know what? Forget my own career, I'm gay. I'm well-liked (currently) and visible and I'm a proud gay American"? Yes that would be really nice. Because it would be honest and brave and true and exactly what (in some small part) the struggling gay youth of America needs. A person who everyone loved who also just happens to be gay.

So, Mr. Lambert, I know the coy shit is fun and cutesy and oohhh hoo hoo don't you chuckle to yourself between gulps, but it's all starting to come off a bit latent and scaredy-cat and lame. And the more you're teasing and "Maybe I'll come out in Rolling Stone, maybe I won't..." the more it becomes something that should be teased about, something that should be hinted and whispered. And it's not. It's a fact like any other fact. So please, either be honest and forthcoming about yourself, or just shut the hell up, make way for the real men, and stop calling yourself a role model. Because right now the only person you're a role model to is the kids who want to be what they want to be, but also don't want anyone to know about it. And that's sad.

Update! Yes, I know he's supposedly coming out on the cover of Rolling Stone next week. So, good for him! And good for Rolling Stone! How wonderfully this whole thing has been parlayed into a money-making endeavor. The gay community is so grateful to you, Adam.



Richard Lawson is our new hero.

via Gawker

It's Over

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And our Faerie King, Lambo Cockrissian, lost.

A few reax worth reading here and here.

THIS one from Jim David @ HuffBlow (of course) takes the cake:


The best singer didn't win a freaking singing contest.

When Kris Allen defeated Adam Lambert as the Season 8 "American Idol," it was, as predicted, a seismic upset. The Chicago Sun-Times said, "David slayed Goliath." Endless bloggers posted reactions like "The biggest robbery since Bush stole the election" and "The end of American Idol's last hope at relevance."

Everyone, from the judges to Google to Yahoo to the Vegas odds makers, predicted a Lambert victory. They were right, and everyone knows it. In the end homophobia won, and everyone knows it.

Yes, homophobia is alive and well, which is why Lambert lost the ultimate title. Go ahead -- give me another reason. Yes, Lambert is over the top and screams a lot and is campier than Liberace at Radio City. Sure, Kris Allen is a cutie, and has pleasant enough vocals, and he's nice. But a better singer, or performer, than Lambert? Please.


Ohhhhh just wait. It gets even more maudlin:


If the contestants had zero backstory, Lambert would have decimated the competition. Instead, Allen's Christianity, church roots and corn-fed wife were exploited, as were Lambert's musical theatre roots (i.e. his 'theatre fag' history). He didn't say a word about his sexuality, but didn't need to. For that we had the Internet, zapping anyone's private photo library to the world, so photos of Lambert swapping saliva with a guy went viral, as well as a lot of his very strange yet riveting LA cabaret performances, turning off the homophobic majority.

Yes, a majority of the country is homophobic. If it weren't, gays would have had their rights back in the 90s when the Europeans got them. We wouldn't have a majority of states with a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. We wouldn't be fighting for even rudimentary domestic partnership laws in some cities and states. We wouldn't have anti-gay imbeciles like Maggie Gallagher, Peter LaBarbera, Matt Barber or the "God Hates Fags" morons getting publicity. Yep, if American weren't homophobic, Lambert would be waving to the crowds from a convertible.

...And he made, without really trying, a great leap for gays in America. The American public learned his sexuality early on and still voted for him into the finals, even if they were too scared to give him the ultimate prize. But they obviously had their limits. Perhaps if he hadn't sung his finale "Mad World" performance in that 'Basketball Diaries' cloak, which made us fear he was a misunderstood youth about to pull out a semiautomatic and open fire on the tweens in the mosh pit, he would have won.


Jim David, shut the fuck up.

Adam Lambert was never a gay contestant. He was a contestant everyone surmised to be a sodomist based on an arsenal of evidence. He never admitted to anything. He was never a gay hero, because he never said he was gay.

EW had a post-finale interview with Lambo and the following exchange occurred:

I want to just get this question out of the way first, something that's been dangling a bit over you for the whole season: Would you like to put to rest all the speculation about your sexuality?
It's not dangling over my head. [Laughing] It may be dangling over yours, but it's not over mine. Yeah, I think speculation keeps things really interesting.

So you don't want to say anything one way or the other?
Like I said, I think speculation keeps things very, very interesting. [Laughs]


See? No homophobia involved. He's not a gay.

Atleast, not an out gay. Maybe a pansexual opportunist who used a nationwide platform to promote his career rather than promote understanding and acceptance.

But Mr. David, you can't call homophobia against a guy who denies being gay.

Corrections: THIS Is Lambo's Boyfriend

We've spent months speculating about the wrong guy. (It was still fun)

From Towleroad:

Perez Hilton claims that this man, allegedly named Drake, is Adam Lambert's love interest and Lambert was affectionately referring to him as "my boy" at a recent party. Over the weekend, the New York Daily News floated a rumor that Lambert was spotted with someone he referred to as "his boyfriend" while dining out with fellow Idol contestants over the weekend.



No word yet from you know who.


Also, Ted Haggard wants to buy meth and get fisted (in no certain order) by Kris Allen.

Good Luck, Lambo Cockrissian

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Geno's World Full Of Shit; Lambo Brings A Date; Etc.

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Hoorayz!!! More Blog Warz™!!!!

Geno's World, TMZ's mongoloid sister, has just done dug themselves a hole.

This past week, they had a post entitled "Exclusive: Adam Lambert's friend and former boyfriend "Cheeks" turns down Star Magazine's offer for revealing interview!":

As revealed on Geno's World exclusively on 3/4/09 , the man pictured kissing Adam Lambert in the photos that swept the Internet is "Cheeks", a rising music star in his own right. A loyal friend, "Cheeks" has turned down interviews and money making opportunities to reveal stories about his relationship with Lambert. "Cheeks" has repeatedly told friends of "Geno's World" that he does not want to interfere with Adam's race to the finals on Idol. He is content to stay in the background and root his friend on quietly.

Today, word came to Geno's World that "Cheeks" was offered a measly $2,000 and promotion for his projects from Star magazine to "tell all" about his relationship with Adam. A source close to "Cheeks" told me "2 Grand? Please! "Cheeks" has turned down offers that have dwarfed that one to talk about Adam. The only way he'd ever open up is to do so in a friendly and safe environment. The price would have to be out of this world and with the understanding that "Cheeks" would never ever say anything disrespectful or mean about Adam" Good for "Cheeks"! It's good to know that someone has integrity out there!


Besides the ironically hilarious last line of the post about "integrity", again the title of the post is Exclusive: Adam Lambert's friend and former boyfriend "Cheeks" turns down Star Magazine's offer for revealing interview!.

Former.

Which proves my point from a week or so ago.....about Geno's World being full of shit:

"Radar Online has reported on Geno's World's exclusive revealing of American Idol's Adam Lambert's boyfriend's identity. "Cheeks" had no comment to Radar's request for a quote......But Geno's World is hard at work talking to "Cheeks" friends convinving him to tell his story exclusively here at Geno's World. And Geno's World has an exclusive response to an Access Hollywood report from 1 hour ago. Adam had talked to AH about his kissing photos that hit the web of him and "Cheeks". The report says Adam is currently single.....NOT SO says a close associate of "Cheeks". "Oh no, they still see each other.".....Stay tuned......."


So......suck it.

Moving on, The NY Daily News reported that Lambo took his "boyfriend" to Outback with other Idol contestants:

American Idol" finalist Adam Lambert wasn't coy about his love life when he and other "AI" contestants got together the other night at Burbank's Outback Steakhouse. Lambert called the dude with him "my boyfriend," says a spy. Also looking cozy at the dinner: Anoop Desai and Megan Joy Corkrey, who sources say are an item.


Again, this probably bullshit. According to Matt Giraud and Jackie Tohn's Twitter page, the group went out to the Olive Garden.

What can we gain from all of this?

None of this is true.

Adam Lambert is neither straight nor gay. He is a pansexual Adlet sent to our Earths to drink the blood of children who are not baptized.

Three more days and this shit will be over, folks.

Now it's time to go, because the 4th hour of the Today Show is on and.......yeh.


UPDATE: As much as it pains me, go here. This is Jesusery/douchebaggery at it's finest:



Sarver took down the video from his MySpace and issued this “apology”:

May 18, 2009 11:49 AM
Just want to say to those offended by this video that I am sorry you were offended. I did not intend that. In a world where I love u between guys can mean more then one thing we just wanted to clarify the status of our relationship. It had nothing to do with passing judgement. “

We Were Trying To Find This Picture, But Found A Whole Lotta Crazy Instead

Good Lord.

So, the AI Final is left to Lambo and Kris.

Katy Perry was about to perform and Gokey said he just wanted to get this over with (the results). Adam could be overheard squealing "but I wanna see Katy Perry". Then this happened:

Nevada @ Yahoo! Video

While we were frantically trying to hunt down an image, the following results came from the Google Monsters...

Dana's Dirt:

Katy Perry walks out on stage wearing an Adam Lambert cape. I mean it is totally NOT FAIR!! Should they be allowing the artists to influence the audience???

She’s frigging hot - but I don’t like her ass cheeks!!!


Freedom Eden, then reposted on wingnut sites like No-libs.com and ProLifeBlogs.com:

At the beginning of the performance her back was to the audience. She was wearing a white cape.
She held out the cape, spreading it like wings.
On the cape, in red letters, it said "Adam Lambert."
That sort of favoritism was not cool.
I don't think it was appropriate to have that sort of cheerleading for Adam by a guest performer on the show.
I think that discredited Idol a bit.
It was a poor choice for the producers to make.


CNN?:

Katy Perry is dressed like a freaky, chick Elvis.

I get it since her song is “Waking Up in Vegas” and she mentions dressing up like Elvis in the song, but along with the feather-plumed showgirls, it’s all a bit much for me.

The camera dude is loving those shots from the back as Katy displays her assets in her sparkly costume. And should she really have had Adam’s name on the back of her cape even though the voting was already done? No wonder he spoke up and said he wanted to see her perform!


Get over it.

PS: We promise this Idol shit is over in a week, and we'll be back to beating Sarah Palin or Mormon stories into the dirt.

Lambo Cockrissian, We Wish You Well

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Last night was mixed.

Really good on One:

World Unity @ Yahoo! Video

Meh on Cryin':

sobbing @ Yahoo! Video

Our feeling is that guy who made up the story about his wife dying will go home tonight.

Let's hope Cheeks shows up no matter the outcome.

Lambo Safe This Week, The Search For Cheeks, War Blogging, Etc.

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Allison is gone, leaving Lambo Cockrissian, Gokey, and that cute little cracker.

With the Jesus vote now being split by Gokey and Kris Allen, Adam Lambert will more than likely be safe next week as well.

One burning question in my mind: Where the hell is Cheeks lately? He's been spotted in the audience a few times up to about a month ago. Now he's nowhere to be seen.

There's a few possible scenerios here....

1) Trash blogs/TMZ fellators like....say...Geno's World totally made up this shit up about Brad Bell still being involved with Lambo. Take statements like this:

"Pictures of Adam kissing another man have recently surfaced all over the web. The question remained.....who is the mysterious man? Well the man is............ Brad Bell aka "Cheeks" a music star in his own right! Geno's World has been in contact with Brad's people and is hoping for an interview soon. One of Brad's people told me that "Brad doesn't want to mess with Adam's chances in Idol. His main concern right now is to support Adam and give him his 100% support and love!" Awwwwwwwww. How cute!"

or this:

"Radar Online has reported on Geno's World's exclusive revealing of American Idol's Adam Lambert's boyfriend's identity. "Cheeks" had no comment to Radar's request for a quote......But Geno's World is hard at work talking to "Cheeks" friends convinving him to tell his story exclusively here at Geno's World. And Geno's World has an exclusive response to an Access Hollywood report from 1 hour ago. Adam had talked to AH about his kissing photos that hit the web of him and "Cheeks". The report says Adam is currently single.....NOT SO says a close associate of "Cheeks". "Oh no, they still see each other.".....Stay tuned......."

Statements of which we've reposted. Shame on us.

Maybe Geno needs to stick to reposting E! and Entertainment Tonight videos, instead of pulling page views out of his ass. Just subsrcibe to TMZ's RSS feed and go fuck off with Harvey Levin or whatever.



2) Brad Bell was at one time involved in some way with Lambo (obvs), yet they are no longer an item. Again, see above and suck it, Geno, for making shit up.



3) Bell and Lambert are still together, yet Cheeks feels the need not to "put that evil on him" by showing his face on the teevees any longer as to not "ruin" Lambo's chances.

Admirable, yes. But isn't this a historic opportunity?

It's doubtful that Adam's numbers will fall just because of Cheeks' face is flashed above the banner of "Adam's Friends and Family" on the show. Remember last week when Lambo landed in the bottom three? No bf in sight on performance (or resluts) night. The same night that Gokey and the red head hobbit acquired more votes.

Further, wouldn't that be the opportune time to be cheering him on from the audience? When Lambo is at the cusp of elimination?

Cheeks, if indeed you two are still together....get your ass back to the studio on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Lambo looks and acts like he could use it.

If you are not, then dismiss this rant and let's hope Geno's World gets the internet version of the Mexican Pig Flu AIDS.

Lambo's Back, Along With His Package

singing rock boy @ Yahoo! Video

Also, this was pretty sad.

Today's Obligatory Lambo Cockrissian Update

Where to begin....where to begin.....OH!

This terrifying Adam Lambert shower curtain that some lonely cutter is selling on eBay:

Unique! Original! Handpainted with a brush just like a piece of art! Hang it in your shower, on your wall, in a window, behind your bed as a headboard, or frame it and display it just like any art portrait in your home!


My instincts tell me this will be used as an actual shower curtain, bought by some fancy tween boy......and turned inside out. Just a guess.

Next up: Lambo went on a date...with a girl. Atleast that's what one site called it. Joe's Place is really not to be believed on anything, unless they have video of it where you can view it with your own eyes......and even then, don't believe.

The failed film and art students-turned-paparazzi at TMZ stalked Lambo on a "date" with a female and flipped out. Listen for the awkward exchange at the end when the razzi asks Lambo if he'll totally flame out and shoot glitter from his anus after he becomes the first....you know...Idol winner...that....um...




Back to last week, when the internets rages with conspiracies of Lambo's bottom (heh) 3 debut. AI's executive producer Nigel Lythgoe confirmed that, yes, the comely Dandy Prince of Angst did get that few votes:

”SET those conspiracy theories aside — “American Idol” wasn’t trying to fake you out with Wednesday night’s Bottom 3 results.

But Adam may not have been one of the Bottom 2, says the show’s former producer.

“They wouldn’t lie about it; they’re always honest with you,” says Nigel Lythgoe, previously the executive producer for the first seven seasons of “Idol” and currently the executive producer and a judge on “So You Think You Can Dance.”

That being said, it doesn’t mean the show won’t take some liberty with the order that the other two low-vote receiving contestants are told to sit down, he says.

After the votes are collected and tabulated by AT&T and the show’s survey firm, Telescope, “all we’re told at the end of the day is, ‘Here are the Bottom 3,’ ” he says. “And we make whatever we can out of that and turn it into a show.”

...Since “Idol” never specifically states who the second- and third-lowest vote getters are, any conclusions that the audience draws from the order that they’re sent to the safe stand is purely “up to the public at home.”


Atleast Lambo has one fan in high places: Pink Mafia board member Anderson Cooper...

Lambo Lands In Bottom 2; Internets Outraged

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Tween girls (and fancy tween boys) realeased a collective and traumatic squeal about 8:40 EST last night when our fair Lambo Cockrissian was put in the bottom 2.

Truly, the terrorists are winning.

Here's a decent summary from Idolator:

More surprising to observers, though, was the appearance of longtime frontrunner Adam Lambert in the bottom three, alongside Giraud and Kris Allen. Was this the result of shenanigans by the producers–who want people to keep watching, even despite the widespread assumption that Lambert’s going to win this thing–or was it the first piece of evidence that a wide swath of America isn’t really into the whole Scissor Sisters/Muse/Adam Lambert axis of rock, despite poor old Randy Jackson’s claims to the contrary?


Keep in mind that last year’s winner operating in the “covers of other peoples’ covers” paradigm was actually using as his touchstone a genre of music–crummy radio mook rock–that, while being objectionable for a host of completely valid reasons, does relatively well, especially when compared to the glammy and fabulous bands that Lambert has chosen to emulate on the Idol stage. Sure, his fanbase is pretty devoted to him and he normally has amazing energy on the stage (save Tuesday’s oddly inert performance), but as other contestants drop off and their former fanbases find new horses to back, that may not be enough.


As much as it pains me, go to this site and read some of the comments, of which are full of conspiracy theories.

It's just a show, folks.

Jabba The Hag Defends Lambo's Pretend Heterosexuality

Seems eerily reminiscent of my parents' defense of Clay Aiken.

via Towleroad

The Internets Just Got Significantly Wierder

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Whoa there! This little masterpiece just took Lambo Cockrissian obsessions to the next level.

Someone on LIVEJOURNAL took the time to write an Adam Lambert/Kris Allen fantasy buttseks mini-series, which turns out to be 100 million words long or so.

As interesting as the fleeting concept may be, this is just regoddamndiculously uncomfortable (NSFW):

He tilts his head down, runs his hand up Kris' back, soothing pressure and guidance, and Kris stands up straighter, pressing against Adam, and Adam licks at his lip because can, and Kris' hand is smoothing along his cheek and neck, tentative, thumb finding the pulse point and Adam laughs against Kris' mouth.

...He kissed him, firmly, then stood to slid his own pants down. He poked at Kris' hip. "Hips, up, lover." And he knows his smile is dark.


We recommend both Lambo and Kris Allen seek a restraining order.

via Part 1 and Part 2

Lambo Takes Backseat To Kris Allen

Richard @ Gawker sums it up best:

When you gonna wise up, judges and America? Kid's the best thing on rollerskates and you all secretly know it. Sure he's not the purest most bombasto-tastic vocalist of them all, but he's so f'ing marketable. Who doesn't like a milky-faced kid with a guitar and a triangle mouth? Communists, that's who. In this weirdo truncated episode—only two judgings per singer!—Randy obviously wasn't able to feel out the sea change, so he just went with that "it was just aight" party line. Don't get him wrong, he's heard of "Falling Slowly," that song from Once, but you know, he doesn't like it for Kris. Kara is, apparently, a little more savvy, and she picked up on the fact that the performance demanded praise. But it was elusive and vague and measured only against Kris's other performances, not against his competitors'. Paula's arm agreed with Kara and we'll never know what Simon thought. I bet (I hope) he was dreaming up record deals.

...Lamb Chops sang "Born to Be Wild", from the movie Easy Rider (sort of), and... I want a check for the broken crystal ware and lightbulbs. Lamby's always been shrieky, but Gott in Himmel, last night was like Screech's balls getting caught in the door of the Max. I know, I know. He's artistic and different and slobberdy-goo-gumdrops. Buy his album after he wins. And then tell me with a straight face that you like it. He's a circus oddity, which is a fine. But a commercial pop sanger? Nay.

Oh well. The whole thing is such a foregone conclusion at this point. The only reason anyone's watching anymore is to see what weirdness Lambo comes up with next, and maybe to shriek and clap like a complete 25-going-on-14-year-old when it's announced that Kris will be singing that swoony swirly indie Once song and your roommate eyes you strangely and you wheeze and drink your seltzer and oh man, Tuesdays have gotten weird.


Adam Lambert Born to be Wild HIGH QUALITY Video Top 7 Week Performance from Fernando Vivanco on Vimeo.

Lambo Cockrissian Lands NYT Feature

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From NY Times:

Let’s imagine, then, that among the assorted warblers and strummers and leather-lunged divas that have made up the renewable cast of hopefuls on the country’s No. 1 television show, you appear not as some talented hopeful with a shady backstory but as a theatrical creation with a message to sell beyond the usual will to prevail. You are swivel hipped and pillow lipped. You have an outsize talent and a fondness for Cher. You have blond hair dyed black and styled in an asymmetrical shag. At some long-ago moment, you gave in to your inner Maybelline girl.

You are Adam Lambert, the contestant widely tipped as a favorite to be the next winner of “American Idol.” And the only thing standing between you and riches and the chance to play arenas may be a question currently burning up the Internet: Can a gay contestant win?

Leave aside for a moment the answer to such a question, or even whether Mr. Lambert is gay. He may be. He may not. Fox, which owns “Idol,” is not saying; neither is the contestant himself.

...According to a Gawker post last week, the “applause-o-meter” had Mr. Lambert pulling way ahead. “Might we actually get a Kris/Adam finale?” read the item, referring to Kris Allen, a generic teen idol type with a waxed cowlick and a lopsided smile. “Might, also, we get a Kris/Adam somethin’ else?’ Hah, doubtful. No one sees Adam without his skinsuit on, except maybe that fetching, fey little blond character they keep cutting to and describing as Adam’s ‘friend.’ ”

...America’s heartland, he said, turns out to be politically contiguous to its notoriously liberal coasts. “Iowa is apparently infested with San Francisco values,” he said.

Even the White House made a point of inviting lesbian and gay families to join in an annual Easter Egg Roll.

Thus it seems plausible that a person with more than a toe peeking out of the closet might actually win the most hotly contested singing show on the planet. True, it took six years of public insinuation before Clay Aiken, the popular also-ran from Season 2, made the choice in 2008 to come out. When he did so, however, the anticipated career-stall never happened. The news was greeted with a collective yawn.

“I see us as living in the post-Neil Patrick Harris era,” said Mr. Ehrenstein, referring to the actor who in 2006 trumped online efforts to expose his sexuality by publicly declaring himself gay to People magazine. “He crossed the Rubicon. He did the ‘sudden death’ play. Supposedly you come out and your career is over. He came out and his career is in better shape than it ever was.”



Bonus Video of two old gay pervs a'pervin on Lambo:

Gay video from AfterElton.com

UPDATE:



From NYP:

I am extremely excited for "American Idol" tomorrow, especially given last week's wah-wah performances. Not only will the Top 7 tackle songs featured in films, but they will be mentored by Quentin Tarantino -- the world's most surprising "Idol" fan.

We learned of his addiction to the reality show back when he guest judged in season three, but he didn't actually help the contestants then. This time around, he'll be standing in on practices, and doling out advice. And to those of you who think he has no business critiquing music, I dare you to find another director who turns more undiscovered gems into must repeat iPod tracks!

Homosexual Emodemon Horrifies Fox News

It was only a matter of time. Bill O'Reilly and the geniuses over at FOX have pegged Lambo Cockrissian as a sodomist warlock, what with the pictures of said warlock kissing another guy or a unicorn or whatever.

Pay no mind to the fact that THESE PICTURES HAVE BEEN OUT FOR MONTHS NOW.

This is what news has come to.
via Towleroad

Standing O

It's Hard Out Here For a Cheeks

via the Youtubes

Lambo's Possible Devilbride Of Sodom In Idol Audience Last Night

Skip to about the 2:30 mark for a peek at who we assume to be Brad Bell / Cheeks along with some hot twinkbot with long blonde hair.

Btw, who was that twinkbot? Hmm? Hmm? Lambo, you are a nasty bad naughty boy.

Bonus video: James Dobson was right. The gays DO recruit...

Meh

Adam Lambert Play that Funky Music Video from Fernando Vivanco on Vimeo.