Saturday, April 4, 2009
Just Go On Fucking Springer Already
Hunky snowbilly Levi Johnston appeared on the Tyra Banks Show to talk about
For your sake, Levi, we hope you did.
As expected, the Alaskan Snowcunt was enraged and fired off an angry statement from the Governors' mansion, which is a collection of interconnected trailers with a couple of igloos for turrets:
After taking about sex on The Tyra Banks Show, Johnston – the 18-year-old father of Bristol Palin's baby – was hit with a blistering response from Bristol's mother, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.
"Bristol did not even know Levi was going on the show. We're disappointed that Levi and his family, in a quest for fame, attention, and fortune, are engaging in flat-out lies, gross exaggeration, and even distortion of their relationship," says the statement from the Palin family rep.
"Bristol's focus will remain on raising Tripp, completing her education, and advocating abstinence," the statement continues. "It is unfortunate that Levi finds it more appealing to exploit his previous relationship with Bristol than to contribute to the well being of the child."
The statement ends, saying, "Bristol realizes now that she made a mistake in her relationship and is the one taking responsibility for their actions."
Whatever, skank.
Anywho...about the same time Bible Spice is being all judgemental and shit, her sister-in-law, Diana Palin, was arrested for robbing some guy's house multiple times WHILE BRINGING HER 4YO DAUGHTER ALONG FOR THE FUNNERY.
Kids, these are the dangers of living in Alaska.....and meth.
From NYDN:
Citing an affidavit filed Friday, the Alaskan newspaper reported that Diana Palin (half sister to Sarah Palin's husband, Todd) was caught by the homeowner, Theodore Turcott, who was hiding in his bathroom with a gun. He found Palin going straight to a bedroom cabinet where he had kept his cash in the past.
Turcott has been robbed several times in the last few weeks. He lost $2,200 in a robbery on March 26, and nearly $400 on March 31.
Palin's four-year-old daughter, who had been waiting in a 1993 Toyota Camery during the Thursday incident, entered the house shortly before police arrived as the scene, the prosecutor stated during a hearing on Friday. The affidavit read that the girl told police she had been to the house days before with her mother. Diana Palin denied this, the Daily News said, and claimed she mistook the house for a friend's place.
According to the Daily News, Diana Palin was hit with felony burglary charges, along with misdemeanor theft and criminal trespass, regarding the March 31 and April 2 incidents.
Governor Palin and her family have declined to comment on the matter.
Further info here.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Marriage Equality Upheld In...WTF...Iowa?
From Ben Smith:
The Iowa Supreme Court today ruled that a ban on same-sex marriage violates the state constitution's equal protection clause, striking down a 1998 state law limiting marriage to a man and a woman.
The ruling makes Iowa the first state in the heartland, and the first key swing state, to legalize same-sex marriage.
This, of course, has Republicans convinced that Iowa is now a Muslim Caliphate that will destroy our Liburteez with buttseks and Pottery Barns:
(From) Western Iowa Rep. Steve King:
This is an unconstitutional ruling and another example of activist judges molding the Constitution to achieve their personal political ends. Iowa law says that marriage is between one man and one woman. If judges believe the Iowa legislature should grant same sex marriage, they should resign from their positions and run for office, not legislate from the bench.
Now it is the Iowa legislature’s responsibility to pass the Marriage Amendment to the Iowa Constitution, clarifying that marriage is between one man and one woman, to give the power that the Supreme Court has arrogated to itself back to the people of Iowa. Along with a constitutional amendment, the legislature must also enact marriage license residency requirements so that Iowa does not become the gay marriage Mecca due to the Supreme Court’s latest experiment in social engineering.
Further info here.
GOP Diagnosed With Schizophrenia
Fuck you, liberal media. You say that Republicans don't have a voice. Well...you're wrong.
Just ask the NRSC. They have 41 voices. 41 elderly white voices that quiver on account of the shakes and all.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Today's Godtube/tangle Moment
Why does Barack Obama insist on making these secret Muslin agent hobbit dolls?
From the description:
Pastor David Grice shows off one of satan's favorite dolls during his sermons on Sunday November 16, 2008 at Lighthouse Baptist Church in Grand Prairie, Texas. John 8:12 "Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." For info on Islam, visit chick.com/information/religions/islam
And just for fun:
G-20 Furry Kegger Update
Our monies are fixed, so you can stop worrying now.
A new romance has bloomed this Spring.
Michelle Obama date raped some old hemophiliac blue hair.
President Unicorn broke up a fight.
The French whoremonger and the secret Putin buttpuppet want Timothy Geithner's job.
Lambo's Possible Devilbride Of Sodom In Idol Audience Last Night
Skip to about the 2:30 mark for a peek at who we assume to be Brad Bell / Cheeks along with some hot twinkbot with long blonde hair.
Btw, who was that twinkbot? Hmm? Hmm? Lambo, you are a nasty bad naughty boy.
Bonus video: James Dobson was right. The gays DO recruit...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
World Leaders Meet To Plot Horrible New Ways To Ruin Our Ekonumeez
Geez, is it that time already?
President Unicorn has landed in London for the G-20 Summit, which is a fancy title for a multi-cultural rainbow party.
Some citizens of London do not care for this elitist orgy. Nope, not at all:
In more important news, the Telegraph is still being pissy about Obama's horrible gift-giving abilities. The Queen received an iPod from the First Couple, which is a crime against humanity because the old bag already has one:
Barack Obama met the Queen at Buckingham Palace today and gave her a gift of an iPod loaded with video footage and photographs of her 2007 United States visit to Richmond, Jamestown and Williamsburg in Virginia. In return, the Queen gave the President a silver framed signed photograph of herself and the Duke of Edinburgh - apparently a standard present for visiting dignitaries.
It is believed the Queen already has an iPod, a 6GB silver Mini version she is said to have bought in 2005 at the suggestion of Prince Andrew.
Also on the agenda: Michelle Obama will fight Carla Bruni-Sarkozy to the death. Michelle will emerge the victor and celebrate her by dining in the company of various Satanist cult leaders the end.
Glenn Beck Secretly Yearns To Blow Barney Frank
Fun. The former CNN anus blogger and current FOX assclown wished Rep. Barney Frank a very Happy Birthday by mocking his lisp and penchant for the buttfuckery.
Further video at Towleroad:
Yesterday was Barney Frank's birthday, and Glenn Beck used the occasion to slam Frank over the current economic situation while simultaneously mocking Frank's speech impediment and his sexuality ("He's 69. I just gave you time to make your own joke.")
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Today's Paultard Video
Again with the tiniest hobbit.
We'd stop mocking if he's stop videoing. Or whatever that word would be.
From the description:
twitter me twitter.com/robertwanek
my president is fascist he wants me to serve thats the bottom line respect he can't earn.
via Middle-earth
Inbred Shit-troll Waddles Her Way To Washington
Westboro Baptist Church sent their members a-wassailing to the White House to express their anger against the Muslin Devil, Barack Obama. The group was led by the daughter of reknowned gay fisting porn star, Fred Phelps.
From Towleroad:
Shirley Phelps-Roper and a contingent from the Westboro Baptist Church paid a visit to the White House yesterday to pray for God to shortly destroy the "antichrist" Barack Obama. They were met by counter-protestors who far outnumbered them, according to Campus Progress.
One question: Where can we buy one of those awesome purple hoodies?
Here's some more video funnery from the event:
Morning Dump
Paultards may have found the perfect country for exile.
What's in a name?
Oh please oh please oh please oh please...
Field Trip!!!
West Virginia you say?
Meghan McCain admits that embracing handsome young gentlemen callers is the GOP's Only Hope™
Monday, March 30, 2009
Hillary Clinton Hates Mexican Jesus
Add Glitter to Pictures
Vaya Con Dios:
During her recent visit to Mexico, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made an unexpected stop at the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe and left a bouquet of white flowers “on behalf of the American people,” after asking who painted the famous image.
The image of Our Lady of Guadalupe was miraculously imprinted by Mary on the tilma, or cloak, of St. Juan Diego in 1531. The image has numerous unexplainable phenomena, such as the appearance on Mary’s eyes of those present in the room when the tilma was opened and the image’s lack of decay.
Mrs. Clinton was received on Thursday at 8:15 a.m. by the rector of the Basilica, Msgr. Diego Monroy.
Msgr. Monroy took Mrs. Clinton to the famous image of Our Lady of Guadalupe, which had been previously lowered from its usual altar for the occasion.
After observing it for a while, Mrs. Clinton asked “who painted it?” to which Msgr. Monroy responded “God!”
President B.A. Barackus To Bitch Slap Detroit
Oh my.
President Sunshine is pissed the fuck off.
And, more than likely,he is a secret liberal Buddhist Caliph.
From Politico:
President Barack Obama announced an extraordinary bid to remake the ailing U.S. auto industry Monday, saying he would withhold long-term federal aid to two carmakers unless they make sweeping changes to ensure their survival.
In blunt terms, Obama said his vision for reshaping GM and Chrysler would be painful to the companies and their workers, but insisted the strong medicine was the only course to saving them – while also leaving open the possibility they could fail.
And he spoke directly to auto workers and communities who rely on the plants, saying, “I will not pretend the tough times are over. I cannot promise you there isn’t more pain to come. But what I can promise you is this – I will fight for you. You are the reason I am here today.”
“These efforts, as essential as they are, will not make everything better overnight. There are jobs that cannot be saved. There are plants that will not reopen. . . .”
...In the case of GM, Obama sought the resignation of CEO Rick Wagoner, and Wagoner complied by stepping aside. Obama gave GM 60 days to restructure and sounded optimistic the company could.
In the case of Chrysler, Obama was much more pessimistic – giving them only 30 days to cut a merger deal with Italian automaker Fiat. If they merged, he offered $6 billion in new loans. If they don’t, Obama said they would get no more federal aid – and likely be forced into bankruptcy.
“Year after year, decade after decade, we have seen problems papered-over and tough choices kicked down the road, even as foreign competitors outpaced us. Well, we have reached the end of that road,” Obama said. “And we, as a nation, cannot afford to shirk responsibility any longer. Now is the time to confront our problems head-on and do what’s necessary to solve them,” Obama said.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Today's Paultard Video
Hey everbody. Ron Paul has a brother. We did not know this.
Listen as he too rails against the Federal Reserve. This is funny to us because Wayne Paul is so old that when he speaks, it sounds like he is crying.
via the Youtubes
Today In Palin News
1) A hilarious memo from a Palin 2012 adviser obtained by Gawker:
John Coale, currently advising Sarah Palin on running for president in 2012, is a Scientologist. And according to a memo obtained by Gawker, Coale once plotted to use friendly politicians to advance the power-hungry cult's agenda.
Coale is a prominent Washington power broker and husband to Fox News' Greta Van Susteren. According to the Washington Post, he is running Palin's political action committee behind the scenes and "guiding [her] political image in Washington."
In 1986, he masterminded a plan—which was never executed—for Scientology to get into the "MONEY and VOTES game" in order to "create power" for Scientology and win influence Washington, D.C
and 2) Kay Bailey Hutchison just scored some major points with us:
Sarah Palin now seems to be fair game for Republicans too.
She endorsed Rick Perry, who faces a primary for governor of Texas against Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, and Hutchison's political director, KC Jones, is promoting a mocking editorial about Perry and Palin.
"Better late than never! The Texarkana Gazette may have published this editorial last month, but we thought it was still worth bringing to your attention. Enjoy!" Jones writes of an editorial titled, "Alaska’s governor could be more hindrance than help."
"When it comes down to it, Palin doesn’t know Eskimo from Alamo about Texas government and politics. What’s more, she is unlikely to care," said the editorial. "If Perry relies too heavily on Palin, he may find himself with a lot of time to watch Russians from her front porch come January 2011."
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Checkin' In With Chuck
Here's a doozy on Mexico, Mexicans, drugs, and whatnot:
More than 7,000 lives have been lost in Mexico's drug war in just the last 14 months, in which nine out of 10 guns recovered from crime scenes came from the U.S. Border towns are experiencing outrageous escalations in crime, including more than 300 drug-related kidnappings in Phoenix alone in 2008 (most involved Mexican immigrants with ties to drug cartels).
Isn't it finally time we built a wall that works? Isn't it time we quit restricting our border agents by granting illegals more rights than our citizens? Isn't it time we post military personnel at particularly hot illegal crossings?
...Now more than ever, we must protect our borders and sovereignty. So far, our government has failed to produce suitable solutions to securing our borders and stopping illegal immigration. Amnesty is not the answer. And immigration laws aren't effective if we continue to allow them to be dodged or ignored. Furthermore, globalization efforts have only confused security matters, further endangering our borders as well as our national identity – our sovereignty.
And the question that keeps coming back to my mind is: How is it that we can militarily overthrow a tyrant like Saddam Hussein in Iraq, yet we can't keep illegals from crossing our borders? As Mike Huckabee says, "If the government can't track illegals, then let's outsource the job to UPS or Fed Ex." It's true. If they can track a lost package anywhere in the world within minutes, they can certainly track down and keep track of illegals.
Sarah Palin Can't Wait Until WALNUTS! Dies And Goes To Hell
The endangered Alaskan Snowcunt gave a speech before fellow Republicans and had this interesting byte:
"Some in the media actually participated in not so much the 'who-what-where-when-why' objective reporting on candidates and positions, those five W's that I learned when I had a journalism degree so many years ago in college, when the world of journalism was quite different than it is today," she said.
"No, things have changed," she continued. "But complaining? Or whining? Absolutely not. But I am going to call it like I see it. It doesn't do any good to whine about any of this. But I can call it like I see it. Sometimes it gets me in a lot of trouble when I speak candidly, and I speak from the heart and I do such a thing. But I am going to."
"And there was that media slant this go round," she said. "And unless things change, the GOP had really better can stand together, 'cause we got that on the battlefield also. I call it like I see it and like I lived it on the campaign trail. Not complaining, but dealing with reality."
"Those are the cards that are dealt us," she said, "and we had better learn to play that hand and do things right and do things better."
Later in the speech, she told a story about praying for strength before last October's Vice Presidential debate with Joe Biden in St. Louis.
"So I'm looking around for somebody to pray with, I just need maybe a little help, maybe a little extra," she said. "And the McCain campaign, love 'em, you know, they're a lot of people around me, but nobody I could find that I wanted to hold hands with and pray." As the crowd laughed, Palin grinned and said she meant no disrespect to the McCain campaign. She said she ultimately prayed with her daughter Piper.
Obama Harshes America's Buzz
Good crikey Jiminy Christmas fuck. This guy again.
President Unicorn has not been told that the election is over and he won. Because of this, he still travels around the country while Tim Geithner & Co. are left in charge to plot new horrible ways to force us in to unemployment office lines.
Today, Obama held a virtual Town Hall meeting, taking questions from various robots of the future.
The question that has gotten the most attention came from an android named "Jared" who was just laid off by the fat cats at Skynet. Jared v.1.3 asked if it would be cool to grow a marijuana garden, just like the POTUS already has.
The response:
"No, I don’t think that is a good strategy to grow our economy," he said.
Guess pot won't be legal until we can come up with real patriotic slogans for it like Freedom Fried or Liberty Leaves.
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