Why Are We Not At CPAC?

Holy shit. This shindig looks like the greatest clusterfuck of all time.

Conservatives Republicans well-connected affluent kid touchers are holding their annual meet and greet, and, honey, did it deliver.

Besides Grover Norquist's Future-Douchebags-Of-'Murica Rainbow Party 2009™, Mittens showed up and used his plus one invite to bring along his ego/shattered ambitions:



Bobby Jindal a young Republican padawan named Jonathan Krohn showed up to talk about Conservatism for the few moments leading up to his GOP hazing, which included the use of chloroform and a giant rubber fist:



Subway Dude was there and got in a few shots at Chris Matthews (easy target) and MSNBC:

First it started with the news media (enemy number one in the conservative crowd), including his cable news competitor, MSNBC, and its host Chris Matthews

"Other news outlets have gotten religion recently," said the now-Fox News host. There is the "Oh God channel", he added, "after Chris Matthews finally realized that there was a God and called him out before Bobby Jindal's speech."

Later he went on to call Matthews station "MSBS." The rest of the media wasn't spared. Nor were members of Congress and the administration. Huckabee called Newsweek Magazine, "ObamaWeek," for its favorable covers and coverage of the president, referred to Obama's treasury secretary as "Turbo Tax Geithner," for his failure to pay portions of his income tax. Reflecting later on his long-held belief that the IRS should be abolished, Huckabee concluded that, if it came true: "We would no longer have a tax cheat running the IRS."

Also, Tucker Carlson was booed and a bunch of "Family Values" voters want to get in on the hot gay sex action.

brickbat is considering actually registering with it's first political party just to attend CPAC 2010. It would sooooooooooooooooo be worth it.

Young Republicans Gather For Drunken Night Of Sodomy

Famed hipster Grover Norquist organized a sock hop at a D.C. pub for young conservatives, presumably as a ruse to set up a hot night of hookups for his more senior pals.

The wild bacchanal included Dave Matthews music, FOX News on the teevees, and $5 drinks named after some old shitty actor who invented crack and AIDS:

It's early February, and the happy hour at the Union Pub on Capitol Hill is jammed with an unlikely slice of young Washington strivers: conservatives, libertarians, free-market/small-government types, anyone right of center. People, in other words, in their 20s or early 30s who actually groan at the label Generation Obama.

Organized by an employee at the Grover Norquist-led Americans for Tax Reform, the party in the pub's back barroom seems naturally suited for this group: Fox News is playing alongside the Dave Matthews tracks. One drink special, $5 for a down-on-the-heels set, seems almost too perfect a nostalgic prop: "The Gipper," concocted with bourbon.


WaPo interviewed various GOP twinks and they had interesting things to say. Take this from Spencer Barrs, in "intern":

"My best friend called and asked who I voted for and I told him I wasn't voting for Obama," Barrs says. "And then he told me, 'I just think you hate black people.' It was a shot to the gut. You feel like you're surrounded on all corners."

His friend John O'Keefe, 23, another conservative think-tank intern who might be out of a job after his internship ends in May, dismisses his liberal contemporaries. "The only thing they have are blogs. They feel like gods of our generation," he says, before ruminating on a very Washington cure-all. "I'm hoping that people get [angry] at Obama and start forming political action committees."


The best byte comes from Dustin Siggins, whom WaPo pretty much outs as a flaming mo:

At the Union Pub, Dustin Siggins, 24, says he sometimes uses humor to deflect the awkwardness of being on the margins of his generation. "I met a girl today at the gym from Boston College. She was getting a law degree from George Washington. She was cute," he says. "But she wants to work for the ACLU, and I said, 'Oh, you're one of those.' "

Later, in a phone interview, Siggins says he struggles with some of his party's more culturally orthodox ideals. "Because I am in this generation and was raised in a pro-gay-marriage era, I am only a little bit against gay marriage, but only a little, like 53 percent to 47," he says. "I have about a dozen gay friends, 30 or 20, and they would all back me up. In college, I used to have lunch with them. . . . We went ice skating once."

via WaPo

Morning (News) Dump

Obama hottie speechwriter Jon Favreau was thrown under the bus by the NY Times. The bright side is that you can now call his cell and hear the hypnotic melody that is his voicemail.

Canadian fighters intercepted a Russian bomber while President Unicorn was visiting the country. Canada has fighter jets...you learn something new every day.

U.S. set to shoot down any large sparklers North Korea launches.

With W out and BO in, Michele Bachmann has developed a terminal case of jungle fever.

Justice Dept. transforms in to Woodstock within a month of transition.

Republicans better not say shit about any cute nicknames Dems come up with in 2011.

Mittens robbed again...this time of jewelry.

W and Laura are officially hobos.

President Unicorn Delivers Eloquent Faux-SOTU Address

President Obama offered a grim portrait of America's plight in an address to a joint session of Congress last night, but he promised to lead an economic renewal that would lift the country out of its current crisis without bankrupting its future.

Striking an optimistic tone that has been absent from his speeches in recent weeks, the president said his stimulus plan, bank bailout proposal, housing programs and health-care overhaul would work in concert to turn around the nation's struggling economy. And while he bluntly described a country beset by historic economic challenges and continued threats abroad, he said the solution lies in directly confronting -- not ignoring -- those problems.

"The weight of this crisis will not determine the destiny of this nation," he said. "The answers to our problems don't lie beyond our reach. They exist in our laboratories and universities, in our fields and our factories, in the imaginations of our entrepreneurs and the pride of the hardest-working people on Earth."

In an address that largely shunned foreign policy to focus on the economy, Obama added: "Now is the time to jump-start job creation, restart lending, and invest in areas like energy, health care and education that will grow our economy, even as we make hard choices to bring our deficit down."

The 52-minute speech was greeted with sustained applause in the House chamber, which he had helped populate with more members of his party. Republican and Democratic lawmakers alike rose repeatedly to offer their approval of the president's rhetoric and his promise of recovery.

via WaPo

Why You Should Avoid People With The Last Name "Brown"

Tabloid Prodigy lists the top 10 celebs surnamed Brown you should avoid......besides Chris:

8. Sylvia Browne
Who: World famous psychic and smoker

Why you should stay the fuck away: Best friends with Montell Williams

Offenses: Shady business practices led to 21 days in jail, and has long been the target of skeptics who claim that the psychic is a fraud.

Bobby Jindal To Deliver SOTU Response...In Tongues

Tonight, President Unicorn will be accompanied on the airwaves by fellow Mooslim and known date rapist Piyush "Bobby" Jindal:

Jindal, the 37-year-old governor of Louisiana and the Republican party's new hope, needs to demonstrate confidence and competence - and show a little sparkle - to boost his hopes of being chosen to take on Obama in 2012.

...Being chosen by the Republicans to respond to Obama gives Jindal a significant leg-up over his rivals, offering millions of viewers their first opportunity to see Jindal, who is conservative on both social and economic policy. The high-profile slot in the past has boosted careers but also destroyed them.


So, good luck, our fair Mexican Child King. Fuck this up, and the GOP is stuck with Bible Spice.

Today's Godtube/tangle Moment

From the description:

This is that night! My neighbor is such a blessing, and she has ministered to us, prayed for us and encouraged us over and over. I love her deeply. She has been praying intensely for a brother who has been ensnared and when she went to sleep she was awoken with a song. Though she had never sung to anyone before she humbled herself and came and shared with us.

Checkin' In With Chuck

Famous Republican bouncer and homosexual mutilation fetishist Chuck Norris has written yet another masterpiece for the Mexican webpamphlet WorldNetDaily:

An old Spanish proverb says, "An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy." I believe that value will hold, in or out of a recession. And being that my 87-year-old mother lived through the Great Depression, I think her value (and those like her) will actually increase through these tough economic times, because their insider wisdom can help us all.

Like in the 1930s, many today are counting on government to be the savior, but thus far all that's resulting from bailouts is a ballooning repayment schedule – just like back then. Fox News recently highlighted that the total federal outlays in 1929 were $3.1 billion (less than 3 percent of GDP). By 1940, they tripled to $9.5 billion (10 percent of GDP). Worse still, the total federal debt mushroomed fom $17 billion in 1929 (16 percent of GDP) to $43 billion in 1940 (44 percent of GDP). And yet, unemployment remained at 15 percent.


Snoozer, right?

Wrong.

Read a little further and find out why we really are a nation of whiners. Have you ever wiped your ass with a magazine in an outhouse? Better yet, have you ever seen one of these outhouses? Didn't think so, liberal fags:

Like with most, Mother's family didn't have running water or electricity. And Granny Scarberry did her best to keep the outhouse clean, with Grandpa helping through his regular deposits of lye to control the odors. (You can imagine how the hot, humid Oklahoma summers turned that outside commode into one small-closet-sized smelly sauna.) A "scavenger wagon" would come by once a week and clean out the hole. It had a small chair-like contraption over it with the hole punched out of the center. (They once had a two-seater in there, which allowed for two people to enjoy one another's company and conversation – mom told me that she always felt a little upper class when she sat with someone else.) By the way, and I'm not trying to be crude, toilet tissue wasn't around, so they used a Montgomery Ward catalogue. (And you wondered why the catalog was so thick?) No joke – they preferred the non-glossy pages. I'll let you figure out why.

Got the picture?


Yes. Chuck Norris' mother hates Capitalism™.

The rest of the article includes healthy tips from Mother on how to make the best of being a hobo the end.

What We Liked About The Oscars

Combine making fun of Scientology with a heartfelt acceptance speech by Dustin Lance Black and you have the point of the Oscars where it was okay to stop watching it.

What was kinda cool? Sean Penn winning for Best Male.

What wasn't cool? Sean Penn's smugness accepting the award on his behalf.


UPDATE:

Fey reax to DLB's win:

Aww! That was the biggest "Yeah right" moment of the entire ceremony! That you were thinking about gay marriage back in 1987 smells like some seriously convenient post-Prop 8 retcon to me! And at 13? When I was 13 my only gay hope was that one day I'd get to suck on a man's fat chode and then maybe even one day get my fat chode sucked. But to be fair at 13 I wasn't half as pretty as DLB undoubtedly was, so maybe he'd already had that particular dream fulfilled.

I love how it is always the prettiest gay sluts, the ones whose only LTR was the one they had with their gym coach way back in their early teens, who are the most sanctimonious about gay marriage!*

The Argument For A New Poet Laureate

Patton Oswalt for Poet Laureate - watch more funny videos

For No Reason

Ann Coulter's Chris Matthews/BO Sex Fantasy

Money about 7:30 in.

McCain's #2 Cunt Drops Suit Against NYT

Vicki Iseman, the gross lady who fucked John McCain, has dropped her lawsuit against the New York Times...probably because we're about to find out that she did indeed fuck WALNUTS!:

Vicki Iseman has dropped her $27 million lawsuit against The New York Times, according to a staff memo obtained by POLITICO.

The memo, from Washington bureau chief Dean Baquet, is below.

To the staff,

Vicki Iseman has dropped her lawsuit against The Times, just weeks after it was filed. We paid no money. We did not apologize. We did not retract one word of the story, which was a compelling chapter in the tale of Senator John McCain and his political rise.

Today's Paultard Video

Once you get past the history of our Earths and how Jesus invented a bunch of neat stuff for a bunch of heathen ingrates, you get to the part about how most politicians are Satanists.

via the Youtubes

Michael Steele Determined To Turn Next GOP Convention In To Vibe Awards

Only weeks after the election of the first black RNC chair, Steele sets out to scare off the remaining elderly racists within his party by reaching out to young brown hooligans.

His strategy? Giving the party of Strom Thurmond, Trent Lott, Tom Tancredo, and Ron Paul a "hip hop" makeover that will be "off the hook".

Sounds Fun:

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele says his party is going to launch an "off the hook" public relations campaign that will update the GOP’s image by translating it to "urban-suburban hip-hop settings."

The new GOP leader told the Washington Times that the party’s defeat in states such as North Carolina and Virginia made it clear they needed a new approach.

“We need messengers to really capture that region — young, Hispanic, black, a cross section…” he said in an interview published Thursday. “We want to convey that the modern-day GOP looks like the conservative party that stands on principles. But we want to apply them to urban-surburban hip-hop settings.”

He added, jokingly, that “we need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets.”

Steele described the new multi-platform PR offensive as “avant-garde, technically. It will come to [the] table with things that will surprise everyone — off the hook.” Asked whether that meant cutting-edge tactics, Steele demurred. “I don't do 'cutting-edge,’” he said. “That's what Democrats are doing. We're going beyond cutting-edge.”

Today's Godtube/tangle Moment

Possibly the greatest of all time.

The money shot about 1:50 in, where the homosexual in the middle (who insisted on the Madonna-style headset) throws down.

via tangle

SNL Was Funny Again

This is our Baldwin classic:

Just Go Here

One of the top 5 blogspot pages of all time.

unnecessaryquotes.com

Merry Preznutz Day, Muslin America!!!

Today is the day to celebrate FREEDOM™ and a bunch of dead old white guys. How on Earth could this Americana Carnival be marred? Ask Red State:

So why do most calendars and so many people refer to this day as “Presidents Day“?

"In 1968, Congress passed the Monday Holidays Act, which moved the official observance of Washington’s birthday from Feb. 22 to the third Monday in February. Some reformers had wanted to change the name of the holiday as well, to Presidents’ Day, in honor of both Lincoln and Washington, but that proposal was rejected by Congress, and the holiday remained officially Washington’s Birthday.

Nevertheless, there was a popular misconception that the day had been officially renamed…While the name change has never been authorized by Congress, it has gained a strong hold on the public consciousness, and is generally used on calendars, in advertising, and even by many government agencies. There have been attempts to introduce legislation requiring federal agencies to call the day Washington’s Birthday, but these have never gotten very far. No matter what’s in the law books, the popular usage is now well established…"

Reformers? Code word for the liberals that have been trashing American history as a tragedy and the Founding Fathers as mere slave owners for the past 40 years.

Their propaganda in academia and media is the reason for the so-called “strong hold” of the false name of the holiday on the public consciousness. The liberal that wrote the above let’s her guard down when she mentions her dismissal of the law. Their contempt for the real America and the Founders extends to the framers of the highest law that is the U.S. Constitution, so why would they have any respect for a “mere” statute? The only “law” they respect are those made up by activist judges that violate their Oath to uphold the Constitution.

...General George Washington watched thousands fall on the battlefield so that we could ordain and establish self government based on the rule of law as opposed to the tyrannies of the rule of men, whether they be Kings, Despots or Judicial Oligarchs. He nearly lost his life many times leading Revolutionary War battles. As our first President he astounded the world by peacefully giving up power to his successor.

Yet, all the “reformers” care to recall is that he was a slaveowner. Yes, he was a slaveowner, but he fathered a nation that put slavery on the path to destruction and which has freed more of humanity from tyranny than in all of human history. Ironically, many of the so-called reformers that would have us celebrate James Buchanan, Andrew Johnson and Richard Nixon, also conveniently looked the other way when evaluating the greatest enslavers and murderers of humanity in the Soviet Union and Red China.

The true reformer was the man whose birth we celebrate today. The man who admitted chopping down a cherry tree and went on to chop down the barriers to Liberty so that men could be truly free.

Happy Birthday President Washington!


Indeed:

Happy Valentine's Day

We Are Made One with What We Touch and See

We are resolved into the supreme air,
We are made one with what we touch and see,
With our heart's blood each crimson sun is fair,
With our young lives each springimpassioned tree
Flames into green, the wildest beasts that range
The moor our kinsmen are, all life is one, and all is change.

With beat of systole and of diastole
One grand great life throbs through earth's giant heart,
And mighty waves of single Being roll
From nerveless germ to man, for we are part
Of every rock and bird and beast and hill,
One with the things that prey on us, and one with what we kill

One sacrament are consecrate, the earth
Not we alone hath passions hymeneal,
The yellow buttercups that shake for mirth
At daybreak know a pleasure not less real
Than we do, when in some freshblossoming wood
We draw the spring into our hearts, and feel that life is good

Is the light vanished from our golden sun,
Or is this daedalfashioned earth less fair,
That we are nature's heritors, and one
With every pulse of life that beats the air?
Rather new suns across the sky shall pass,
New splendour come unto the flower, new glory to the grass.

And we two lovers shall not sit afar,
Critics of nature, but the joyous sea
Shall be our raiment, and the bearded star
Shoot arrows at our pleasure! We shall be
Part of the mighty universal whole,
And through all Aeons mix and mingle with the Kosmic Soul!.

We shall be notes in that great Symphony
Whose cadence circles through the rhythmic spheres,
And all the live World's throbbing heart shall be
One with our heart, the stealthy creeping years
Have lost their terrors now, we shall not die,
The Universe itself shall be our Immortality!.


Oscar Wilde

Today's Godtube/tangle Moment

Morning (News) Dump

Known homosexual governor Charlie Crist is ready to get behind Obama and support his stimulus package.

The world almost ended September 18.

We have a president who can string together intelligible sounds.

The douchebaggery continues.

Obama wants to get Sean Hannity drunk, who will be vigorously date raped by the President's enormous stimulus package.

Black folk would now like to rule the world.

A couple of months from now, only 7 people in the country will have a job. See you at the unemployment office, hobos!

Oh, Good Lord

Myspace Glitter Graphics




Barack Obama may have his hands full with this one.

Joe Biden has received and accepted the invitation to attend and SPEAK at the Special Olympics World Winter Games in Idaho on Thursday.

"What's so wrong with that?" you might ask.

See here, here, and here.

We're expecting something to the effect of: "Folks, it's just great to be here. I haven't been around this many frigid retards since I met the Palins."

Please let there be video clips.

For No Reason

Move over Cashfan.

via videogum

The Whore May Actually Win

Meet Stormy Daniels. She has sex for a living. She may also run for Senate.

Daniels is mulling the idea of taking David Vitter's seat, who, yes, is the guy who wears diapers and fucks stuffed animals:

A website has launched a petition in an effort to draft adult entertainer Stormy Daniels to run against Louisiana Republican Sen. David Vitter -- and the would-be challenger granted her first interview at an Arizona hotel, where she was performing at a strip club.

"While traveling through Arizona last week, I learned that Daniels would be performing at a Phoenix strip club," muckraking reporter Max Blumenthal wrote Monday. "I tracked the adult-video starlet down at her hotel and filmed the first interview with her since the Draft Stormy initiative began. During our exclusive interview, Daniels homed in on what she called Vitter's hypocrisy, declaring her intention to make his contradictory behavior the centerpiece of her campaign."

...Vitter's phone number was found in the records of the D.C. madam who apparently committed suicide last year and may have led to the resignation of CIA director Porter Goss. Now he could get a sampling of what he may have already sampled: an eyebrow-raising woman who's paid to perform. Only this time, it could be at the ballot box.

..."I personally have no issues with his sexual activities or his sexual preferences or whatever it is that he wants to do. My issues with him -- who am I to judge, right? My issue with him is that he is a hypocrite and call me what you will but you can't call me a hypocrite," Daniels told Blumenthal.