President B.A. Barackus To Bitch Slap Detroit

Oh my.

President Sunshine is pissed the fuck off.

And, more than likely,he is a secret liberal Buddhist Caliph.

From Politico:


President Barack Obama announced an extraordinary bid to remake the ailing U.S. auto industry Monday, saying he would withhold long-term federal aid to two carmakers unless they make sweeping changes to ensure their survival.

In blunt terms, Obama said his vision for reshaping GM and Chrysler would be painful to the companies and their workers, but insisted the strong medicine was the only course to saving them – while also leaving open the possibility they could fail.

And he spoke directly to auto workers and communities who rely on the plants, saying, “I will not pretend the tough times are over. I cannot promise you there isn’t more pain to come. But what I can promise you is this – I will fight for you. You are the reason I am here today.”

“These efforts, as essential as they are, will not make everything better overnight. There are jobs that cannot be saved. There are plants that will not reopen. . . .”

...In the case of GM, Obama sought the resignation of CEO Rick Wagoner, and Wagoner complied by stepping aside. Obama gave GM 60 days to restructure and sounded optimistic the company could.

In the case of Chrysler, Obama was much more pessimistic – giving them only 30 days to cut a merger deal with Italian automaker Fiat. If they merged, he offered $6 billion in new loans. If they don’t, Obama said they would get no more federal aid – and likely be forced into bankruptcy.

“Year after year, decade after decade, we have seen problems papered-over and tough choices kicked down the road, even as foreign competitors outpaced us. Well, we have reached the end of that road,” Obama said. “And we, as a nation, cannot afford to shirk responsibility any longer. Now is the time to confront our problems head-on and do what’s necessary to solve them,” Obama said.

Today's Paultard Video

Hey everbody. Ron Paul has a brother. We did not know this.

Listen as he too rails against the Federal Reserve. This is funny to us because Wayne Paul is so old that when he speaks, it sounds like he is crying.

via the Youtubes

Today In Palin News

1) A hilarious memo from a Palin 2012 adviser obtained by Gawker:

John Coale, currently advising Sarah Palin on running for president in 2012, is a Scientologist. And according to a memo obtained by Gawker, Coale once plotted to use friendly politicians to advance the power-hungry cult's agenda.

Coale is a prominent Washington power broker and husband to Fox News' Greta Van Susteren. According to the Washington Post, he is running Palin's political action committee behind the scenes and "guiding [her] political image in Washington."

In 1986, he masterminded a plan—which was never executed—for Scientology to get into the "MONEY and VOTES game" in order to "create power" for Scientology and win influence Washington, D.C



and 2) Kay Bailey Hutchison just scored some major points with us:

Sarah Palin now seems to be fair game for Republicans too.

She endorsed Rick Perry, who faces a primary for governor of Texas against Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, and Hutchison's political director, KC Jones, is promoting a mocking editorial about Perry and Palin.

"Better late than never! The Texarkana Gazette may have published this editorial last month, but we thought it was still worth bringing to your attention. Enjoy!" Jones writes of an editorial titled, "Alaska’s governor could be more hindrance than help."

"When it comes down to it, Palin doesn’t know Eskimo from Alamo about Texas government and politics. What’s more, she is unlikely to care," said the editorial. "If Perry relies too heavily on Palin, he may find himself with a lot of time to watch Russians from her front porch come January 2011."

Checkin' In With Chuck

Here's a doozy on Mexico, Mexicans, drugs, and whatnot:

More than 7,000 lives have been lost in Mexico's drug war in just the last 14 months, in which nine out of 10 guns recovered from crime scenes came from the U.S. Border towns are experiencing outrageous escalations in crime, including more than 300 drug-related kidnappings in Phoenix alone in 2008 (most involved Mexican immigrants with ties to drug cartels).

Isn't it finally time we built a wall that works? Isn't it time we quit restricting our border agents by granting illegals more rights than our citizens? Isn't it time we post military personnel at particularly hot illegal crossings?

...Now more than ever, we must protect our borders and sovereignty. So far, our government has failed to produce suitable solutions to securing our borders and stopping illegal immigration. Amnesty is not the answer. And immigration laws aren't effective if we continue to allow them to be dodged or ignored. Furthermore, globalization efforts have only confused security matters, further endangering our borders as well as our national identity – our sovereignty.

And the question that keeps coming back to my mind is: How is it that we can militarily overthrow a tyrant like Saddam Hussein in Iraq, yet we can't keep illegals from crossing our borders? As Mike Huckabee says, "If the government can't track illegals, then let's outsource the job to UPS or Fed Ex." It's true. If they can track a lost package anywhere in the world within minutes, they can certainly track down and keep track of illegals.

Sarah Palin Can't Wait Until WALNUTS! Dies And Goes To Hell

The endangered Alaskan Snowcunt gave a speech before fellow Republicans and had this interesting byte:

"Some in the media actually participated in not so much the 'who-what-where-when-why' objective reporting on candidates and positions, those five W's that I learned when I had a journalism degree so many years ago in college, when the world of journalism was quite different than it is today," she said.

"No, things have changed," she continued. "But complaining? Or whining? Absolutely not. But I am going to call it like I see it. It doesn't do any good to whine about any of this. But I can call it like I see it. Sometimes it gets me in a lot of trouble when I speak candidly, and I speak from the heart and I do such a thing. But I am going to."

"And there was that media slant this go round," she said. "And unless things change, the GOP had really better can stand together, 'cause we got that on the battlefield also. I call it like I see it and like I lived it on the campaign trail. Not complaining, but dealing with reality."

"Those are the cards that are dealt us," she said, "and we had better learn to play that hand and do things right and do things better."

Later in the speech, she told a story about praying for strength before last October's Vice Presidential debate with Joe Biden in St. Louis.

"So I'm looking around for somebody to pray with, I just need maybe a little help, maybe a little extra," she said. "And the McCain campaign, love 'em, you know, they're a lot of people around me, but nobody I could find that I wanted to hold hands with and pray." As the crowd laughed, Palin grinned and said she meant no disrespect to the McCain campaign. She said she ultimately prayed with her daughter Piper.

Obama Harshes America's Buzz

Good crikey Jiminy Christmas fuck. This guy again.

President Unicorn has not been told that the election is over and he won. Because of this, he still travels around the country while Tim Geithner & Co. are left in charge to plot new horrible ways to force us in to unemployment office lines.

Today, Obama held a virtual Town Hall meeting, taking questions from various robots of the future.

The question that has gotten the most attention came from an android named "Jared" who was just laid off by the fat cats at Skynet. Jared v.1.3 asked if it would be cool to grow a marijuana garden, just like the POTUS already has.

The response:

"No, I don’t think that is a good strategy to grow our economy," he said.




Guess pot won't be legal until we can come up with real patriotic slogans for it like Freedom Fried or Liberty Leaves.

Lambo's Back

After last week's uncomfortable performance, Lambo "straightened it up" (in the words of the black Subway dude) for Mowtown week by singing Smokey Robinson's The Tracks of My Tears.

Stupid Flanders is looking less and less of a threat as Matt Giraud has proven to be the panty creamer for 2 weeks in a row:



As far as who's leaving, we'd bet on Blindy or Michael Sarver.

This Phone Sex Operator Is Straight Genius, Son

From videogum:

New York-based comedian Gil Ozeri has a series of prank phone calls in which he calls phone sex operators and tells them that he has a weird fetish, like "Old Timey Barbers," or "Jewish Mother Stereotypes." That's a funny premise. Someone should turn it into a coffee table audio book. But his latest call in which he tells the phone sex operator that he is into "really bad comedians, like hack comedians," is particularly inspired. Because he happened to get a phone sex operator who is a comedic genius.


Check this one out, too.

Today's Godtube/tangle Moment

via tangle

In Case You Were Smoking

just go here.

Dick Warz

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From The Hill:

Congressional Republicans are telling Dick Cheney to go back to his undisclosed location and leave them alone to rebuild the Republican Party without his input.

Displeased with the former vice-president's recent media appearances, Republican lawmakers say he's hurting GOP efforts to reinvent itself after back-to-back electoral drubbings.

The veep, who showed a penchant for secrecy during eight years in the White House,has popped up in media interviews to defend the Bush-Cheney record while suggesting that the country is not as safe under President Obama.

Rep. John Duncan Jr. (R-Tenn.) said, “He became so unpopular while he was in the White House that it would probably be better for us politically if he wouldn’t be so public...But he has the right to speak out since he’s a private citizen.”

Another House Republican lawmaker who requested anonymity said he wasn’t surprised that Cheney has strongly criticized Obama early in his term, but argued that it’s not helping the GOP cause.

The legislator said Cheney, whose approval ratings were lower than President Bush’s during the last Congress, didn’t think through the political implications of going after Obama.

Cheney did “House Republicans no favors,” the lawmaker said, adding, “I could never understand him anyway.”

Morning Dump

The Ayatollah did not care for Barack's sexy rap music video. Guess he's more of a traditional "flowers and chocolates" kind of girl.

Someone should tell the president it's not a good idea to hire a Treasury Secretary that spends money like a soccer mom at an outlet store all hopped up on goofballs.

VP Biden finally finds an appropriate place to say inappropriate things.

There is no such thing as shutting up Barney Frank.

Having a hard time jump-starting your career? Have you tried the Afghan job market?

Or try applying at the Washington Post. Seems like they'll hire anyone.

RedState Pretends To Know Gay People

This is just too rich:

President Obama is reportedly set to nominate California Representative Ellen Tauscher for the post of Undersecretary of State for Arms Control and International Security.

If you consult Ms. Tauscher’s biography, her work on arms control and non-proliferation makes its first appearance in the 12th paragraph (in a bio with 14 paragraphs overall). Her work in this area is apparently not as important as her work on Wall Street, her leadership on the Transportation Committee (including getting funding for a tunnel in her district), or her work on public school funding - all of which get prominent mention before non-proliferation issues.

...There’s another interesting thing about Ms. Tauscher: she is the sponsor of legislation to undo the military’s ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy. She reintroduced the legislation on March 3 — about two weeks before her nomination was announced. It has 134 cosponsors as of today - nearly one-third of the House, just a few weeks after introduction. When she introduced the bill, she planned to hold hearings to educate the public, and suggested that Secretary Powell could lead the effort to sell repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. It seems as if Ms. Tauscher had done a good job of laying the groundwork for an effort to repeal the measure in the House.

So why did Barack Obama choose to elevate a leader for repealing the ban on gays in the military, to a position where she would lose all influence over the matter?

...If I had supported Barack Obama because he promised to allow gays to serve openly in the military, I sure would be disappointed today. It’s a shame they couldn’t pick someone other than Ms. Tauscher for such an important post.


Thanks for caring.

President Unicorn Sends Sexy Terror Video Message To Fellow Muslins

From Ben Smith:

Here's some unusual direct diplomacy: A video message to the people of Iran on the Iranian new year.

So in this season of new beginnings I would like to speak clearly to Iran's leaders. We have serious differences that have grown over time. My administration is now committed to diplomacy that addresses the full range of issues before us, and to pursuing constructive ties among the United States, Iran and the international community. This process will not be advanced by threats. We seek instead engagement that is honest and grounded in mutual respect.

You, too, have a choice. The United States wants the Islamic Republic of Iran to take its rightful place in the community of nations. You have that right -- but it comes with real responsibilities, and that place cannot be reached through terror or arms, but rather through peaceful actions that demonstrate the true greatness of the Iranian people and civilization. And the measure of that greatness is not the capacity to destroy, it is your demonstrated ability to build and create.

World Outraged By Obama's Retarded Comment

Someone's been spending too much time with Joe Biden.

More on the story @ Ben Smith

Obama Admin Anger Bear Quoted On Church Sign

The few words COS Rahm Emanuel knows that do not include profanity were placed on the message board of Judson Memorial Church, a temple for liberal satanists.

From NYT:

Rahm Emanuel, President Obama’s top lieutenant, will probably never be confused with Mother Teresa. So it was a surprise to see a quotation from him, with his name attached, printed on the message board outside a church in Manhattan, facing the street for passers-by to contemplate.

Never waste a crisis,” the sign says. “It can be turned to joyful transformation. — Rahm Emanuel.

The message hangs at the entryway of the Judson Memorial Church, a liberal, social-activist church in Greenwich Village. It’s the kind of “reader board” that other churches reserve for the title of a sermon or a quotation from the Prophets — an exceedingly unlikely place for the words of a profane Chicago pol, known more for his knee capping than knee bending. Moreover, the church defines itself as “in the Christian tradition” and is affiliated with the American Baptist Churches and United Church of Christ; Mr. Emanuel is Jewish.


via Ben Smith

On Lambo's Awkward Night

Short version:

It was Grand Ole Opry week, and Adam Lambert chose Ring of Fire.

Randy Travis was the "mentor" and proceeded to try and convince America you can get AIDS and the gay from black nail polish. Lambo's choice of a "Middle Eastern kind of flair" on the song did everything but push Travis to the breaking point of tying the Gay Emodemon to a fencepost in Wyoming. Watch the vid for catchy Randy Travisisms like "I don't even know what to say about this boy".

Also, we're pretty sure that was Cheeks/Brad Bell shown in the audience with the caption "ADAM'S MOM AND FRIENDS".

dlisted's Michael K went off:

Why didn't Johnny Cash appear in a ring of fire to punch Adam Lambert in the mouth and then burn that "Mad Max gone wrong" jacket over his body?! Adam's performance of "Ring of Fire" made my ring of fire (I'm putting cream on it) throb in pain. Bitch gets an A+ in trytoohardy, but if you weren't smoking some of Paula Abdul's secret recipe through a hookah, you were probably trying to figure out what the hell was going on up there. Paula was definitely the only ho who was on board with that shit. You would be too if a magic carpet appeared at your feet and flew you through Adam Lambert's boyfriend's sparkly sweater during that slaughter-filled performance.

It was like orgy music that will make your peen go limp. Speaking of, when Adam tried to bring on the sexy, I had to go to Bible.com, put my hand on the screen and pray that I never experience anything like that ever again. That being said, Adam needs to stay. Well, that glittery Shrek creature with Sonic the Hedgehog hair is at least making me feel something. The rest of those boring bores only make me crave oatmeal made with tap water.


The performance was also panned by Rolling Stone.

Sorry, Lambo Cockrissian. Try again next week.

BREAKING NEWS: brickbat Endorses Missouri

The alternate title of this post was "Chuck Baldwin And This Douche Are Gold-humping, Ron Paul-fetishist Jewbeasts."

From (giggle) Chuck Baldwin:

Thanks to a concerned Missouri state policeman, a nationally syndicated radio talk show host stated that he was alerted last week to a secret Missouri state police report that categorized supporters of Congressman Ron Paul, Bob Barr, and myself as "'militia' influenced terrorists." The report, he said, "instructs the Missouri police to be on the lookout for supporters displaying bumper stickers and other paraphernalia associated with the Constitutional, Campaign for Liberty, and Libertarian parties."

Ignoring the threat of Muslim terrorists, the Missouri Information Analysis Center (MIAC) report focuses on the so-called "militia movement" and "conflates it with supporters of Ron Paul, Chuck Baldwin, Bob Barr, the so-called patriot movement and other political activist organizations opposed to the North American Union and the New World Order."


Good...because you people are fucking nuts.

Let's read on:

The Columbia Daily Tribune also carried the story last Saturday. It quoted Missouri resident Tim Neal of Miller County. "When Neal read the report, he couldn't help but think it described him. A military veteran and a delegate to the 2008 Missouri Republican state convention, he didn't appreciate being lumped in with groups like the Neo-Nazis.

"'I was going down the list and thinking, "Check, that's me,"' he said. 'I'm a Ron Paul supporter, check. I talk about the North American union, check. I've got the "America: Freedom to Fascism" video loaned out to somebody right now. So that means I'm a domestic terrorist? Because I've got a video about the Federal Reserve?'"


Yes, it does.




And with that, we bring you a very special Today's Paultard Video:



via here and Columbia Daily Tribune,

Today's Godtube/tangle Moment

via tangle

Lambo Shamelessly Destroying American Marriages

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A golden editorial from The Daily Rake:

If you are a heterosexual male and haven’t seen Adam Lambert’s insane mastery of song and dance on American Idol, then you’ve never really had your natural inclinations towards women put to the test. Consider this a warning. Mr. Lambert will groove his way into the deepest, darkest recesses of your being until you look down and are surprised to see that you still have a penis. How exactly does he operate? Nobody knows yet. All I know is that 15 minutes ago I was totally imagining an adult encounter with Lil Rounds and now there is ambiguity in the situation. So now I’m left trying to pick up the pieces of my manhood and figure out what just happened.


Do read the entire piece.

Bruno Rapes Stupid Ron Paul In DC Hotel

Hahahahahahahaha. Oh my.

If this report from Slate is true, we will watch the Bruno movie for 3 days straight without sleep.

Besides tricking the Alabama National Guard in to allowing him on post to train and show off his thong, Sacha Baron Cohen dooped everyone's favorite loveable crazy racist Dr. Congressman to share a night of hot gay sex by candlelight, just as it was intended by the framers of our Constitution:

In a five-minute scene, comedian Cohen tries—and fails—to seduce the Texas congressman and former Republican presidential candidate in a Washington hotel room. A spokeswoman for Paul confirmed the appearance but declined to discuss details, which were provided by two people who attended a test screening last week.

...The scene with Paul, filmed in early 2008, occurs about halfway through the movie, after Bruno gets the idea that you have to make a sex tape to become famous. (Stop reading here if you want to see the movie unspoiled.)

Cut to a nondescript hotel suite where Bruno sits across from Ron Paul. After a brief exchange of pleasantries, a light blows out on the set. Bruno apologizes for the technical difficulties and suggests that he and Paul wait in the other room while the crew fixes the light.

The other room, it turns out, is a bedroom. The lighting is low, and the film is now grainy—not unlike a sex tape—as it cuts to a hidden spy camera. There's a spread of Champagne and strawberries and caviar on a table.

Bruno tells Paul to make himself comfortable. Paul sits down on the bed. Bruno turns on some music and starts dancing. Paul is visibly uneasy but doesn't say anything at first. He picks up a newspaper and pretends to read it. "You can tell at each weird gay detail, he [chalks] it up to, This guy is European," says one of the attendees.

Finally, Paul asks what's going on. "Don't worry about it, Dr. Paul," says Bruno, who then unbuckles his belt and drops his pants. At that point, Paul snaps up and storms out of the room.

As Paul is walking away, you can hear him say, several times, something like, "This guy is a queer!" "The word queer comes out of his mouth three or four times," says an attendee.

A spokeswoman for Paul confirmed that the episode took place but declined to provide details. "We don't want it to distract from his message," said press secretary Rachel Mills. "Now is the time when people need to be listening to him on economic issues."

Mills, who was present at the taping, did elaborate on the "queer" line. "I heard him say 'weird,' " she wrote in an e-mail. "In any case, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Queer as Folk … it's not exactly a shocking term if that's what he did say."



I believe you all owe Buster McDermott an apology:




via Slate

Mormon Jesus

A remix on the classic.

via poe

Levi Johnston Is One Hot Cracker

Sorry, just is.

From GMA:

Levi Johnston, the former fiance of Bristol Palin, says the couple broke up "a week, two weeks" ago but leaves open the possibility that they could reunite.

"We'll see, we'll see how it is," Johnston, 19, said March 13 in an exclusive interview at his Alaska home with Neal Karlinsky of "Good Morning America." "We'll just remain friends for now. We're both cool with that decision, and we'll see."

For the first time, Johnston described the circumstances of his split with Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's eldest daughter, and talked about becoming a father.

"We were just, we were in a fight," the teen said. "And trying to see if we can make things work. But this is what it kind of ended up turning into. But we'll see what happens."

IKEA Spokesperson "Contemporary" Oscar Wilde

Polish Catholic letter writers got the smackdown from IKEA after complaining about homosexual Devilgoats appearing in the catalog:

“Homosexuality is one of the essential elements of living in contemporary society.”

Official IKEA spokesperson’s response to pressure from grumpy Polish Catholics (namely a letter writing campaign) who had a hoo haa because they wanted queer couples removed from the IKEA catalog. The item in question was, according to The Ikea Fans Blog the most recent “IKEA Family Live 2009 publication, 12 archetypes of different family makeup are presented under the slogan ‘Family life is changing … Welcome to the new era.’ One of the 12 example families presented is Ian and Steve, page 54 -57 (see item 1 and item 2), who have no interest in having children, but enjoy their IKEA Kitchen and herb garden and their awesome digs.


via jockohomo

Meghan McCain Will Cut A Bitch

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The McCain Blogette empress is getting way more attention these days than her loser father.

Lately she's been giving economic advice on various news orgs while admitting she never took econ in college and using her blog entries at The Daily Beast to pick fights with the eldest (and ugliest) of the Olsen twins.

Now, she's ready to go all Puerto Rican on Laura Ingraham:

John McCain’s daughter Meghan has a message for conservative talk-show host Laura Ingraham: “Kiss my fat ass.”

Last week, Ingraham mocked McCain on her radio show after the daughter of former GOP presidential nominee John McCain urged Republicans to seek compromise with Democrats. Ingraham called McCain “a Valley Girl gone awry” and a “plus-sized model.”

McCain, who writes about politics and her personal life for The Daily Beast, went on The View on Monday to fight back.

“What do young women think when I speak my mind about politics and I want to have a political discussion about the ideological future of the Republican Party, and the answer is, ‘She’s fat, she shouldn’t have an opinion.’ What kind of message are we sending young women?” she asked.

“It infuriates me,” she said. “I’m a political writer on a blog, and all of a sudden I’m too fat to write?”

The View’s conservative co-host, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, called Ingraham’s remarks “a low blow.”

McCain said she felt like Tyra Banks when the model “went on her show in her bathing suit and said, ‘Kiss my fat ass.’”

“That’s what I feel right now,” McCain said. “I’m like, ‘Kiss my fat ass!’”



Ingraham quickly responded to McCain once again on her show, telling McCain that she needs to learn to deal with satire and “teasing.”

“Can I say ‘lighten up,’ or is that offensive too?” Ingraham asked.


via CNN