BREAKING NEWS: Group Lamer Than Cutters Exists!!!

Teenage girls that embed foreign objects in their skin:

Those unfortunate souls who find cutting insufficiently harmful have taken mutilation to the next level with something doctors call "self-embedding disorder." According to the Chicago Tribune, embedding is when people deliberately insert objects into their flesh, either by forcing them through wounds or by puncturing the flesh with those objects.

"Personnel at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio, report extracting 52 foreign objects that 10 teenage girls deliberately embedded in their arms, hands, feet, ankles and necks over the last three years, including needles, staples, wood, stone, glass, pencil lead and a crayon. One patient had inserted 11 objects, including an unfolded metal paper clip more than 6 inches long."

via Jezebel

Jesus Christ. What Now, Bill?

Guess who's still being a pouty pants? Bill. Now it's about the subject matter of the primetime speech he was given by BO:

As Democrats arrived here Sunday for a convention intended to promote party unity, mistrust and resentments continued to boil among top associates of presumptive nominee Barack Obama and his defeated rival, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

One flashpoint is the assigned speech topic for former president Bill Clinton, who is scheduled to speak Wednesday night, when the convention theme is “Securing America’s Future.” The night’s speakers will argue that Obama would be a more effective commander in chief than his Republican rival, Sen. John McCain (Ariz.).

The former president is disappointed, associates said, because he is eager to speak about the economy and more broadly about Democratic ideas — emphasizing the contrast between the Bush years and his own record in the 1990s.

The Obama camp quickly denied this, but it's been confirmed by Politico and CNN.

Either way, the Clintons need a big helpin' of SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Also, the above picture is an actual postcard that Bill sent to his grandmammy in 1966.

When he was 19.

And a sophmore at Georgetown University.

Bob Barr: Big Baby

Today there's some kind of Bible quiz at Rick Warren's giant waterpark that he built for Jesus. Guess who wasn't invited?

Bob Barr, the poor man's L. Ron Paultard.

He's so mad that he's suing Baby Jesus:

Barack Obama and John McCain are scheduled to make a joint appearance Saturday at Saddleback Church in Orange County, Calif.

No other candidates have been invited, which has ticked off Libertarian presidential candidate Bob Barr.

Russ Verney, campaign manager for the former Georgia congressman, has just sent out a mass e-mail saying Barr will seek a court order to require the church to invite him, too.

Which perhaps is an odd thing for a Libertarian to do — asking a judge to determine whom a church should invite into its sanctuary.

Kanye West Heads To Iraq To Help Kanye West

The famous crybaby rapper is going to Iraq for an MTV doc. There, he'll hand out money to the troops or something. By the end of the trip he'll revert to his usual asshole self and be drug kicking to a helicopter screaming "THESE PURPLE HEARTS IS MINES!!!"

And You Thought It Was Over

We can all pretty much agree that President W is the most awesomest POTUS of all time. Waaaaaaaaay better than his crybaby dad.

But how awesome will President Jeb Bush be? Will he start a war with Yemen? Will he use any of W's dance moves? Will he sell America to his Mexican wife's Mexican friends in Mexico?

Let's find out why the Bush family will only be in Paraguay for about 4 years, until President WALNUTS! kicks it after a tragic Rascal accident while campaigning for re-election in 2012:

President Bush was asked by a SkyNews correspondent whether the end of his term marked the end of the Bush presidential dynasty that began with his father’s Oval Office tenure 20 years ago.

In response, Bush singled out his brother, who has often been mentioned as a possible Republican presidential contender. "Well, we've got another one out there who did a fabulous job as governor of Florida, and that's Jeb,” he said. “But you know, you better ask him whether or not he's thinking of running. But he'd be a great president."

via CNN